Easily Influenced
by deceptive-serenade
Summary: The summer was going to the dumps, but what I expected was relaxation and lots of sun. Baby sitting my sister. Advising my other sister to put on more clothes. Maybe playing video games with my brother. What I hadn't expected was my former best friend to suddenly make his way back into my life and drag me into his. This isn't the kind of adventure I signed up for. Albus/OC
1. Chapter 1

**Easily Influenced**

The summer was going to the dumps, but what I expected was relaxation and lots of sun. Baby sitting my sister. Advising my other sister to put on more clothes. Maybe playing video games with my brother. What I hadn't expected was my former best friend to suddenly make his way back into my life and drag me into his.

This isn't the kind of adventure I signed up for.

**Chapter One**

"MANDY!"

"WHAT?"

"GET DOWN OFF THE ROOF!"

"WHY?"

"YOU'VE BEEN UP THERE FOR TWO HOURS!"

"SO?"

"GET DOWN BEFORE I GET OUT THERE AND DO IT MYSELF!"

I snorted; my mum would never climb up on the roof – she's scared of heights. In fact, the first time she found me up there, she nearly burst into tears. But she's used to it now; I climbed up on the roof every day to watch the sun rise. I didn't care if London didn't exactly have optimal weather; if it was dawn, I was up on the roof.

I slid back through my window and into my room. I replaced the screen before leaping over to my mum and squeezing her in a hug. I don't give hugs to just anyone, you know. My mum deserved the absolute tightest, bone-crushing hugs imaginable for putting up with my sour attitude and roof-climbing tendencies.

I mean, it probably sucked that her kid hated being home. Just two months, and I'd be out of there.

Summers are a waste of time.

Actually, that depends on what you're doing. I hate summer because I'm not at Hogwarts. It was that place that saved my sanity when I was eleven and getting positively sick from my neighbourhood. It was boring, and Hogwarts was filled with magic and learning and brooms and Quidditch and Hagrid and the Forbidden Forest and dangerous creatures and Hogsmeade and candy that makes your head blow up… Merlin, I'm getting sentimental.

I'm not usually so sappy, but Hogwarts was so full of secrets that I never got bored. Whenever I felt like I needed to throw my books against the wall and get out of the castle, I'd explore the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid. Sometimes I'd take my broom and fly away whenever I encountered anything less-than-friendly.

I really loved Hogwarts. I loved adventure – I always have. When I was younger, I had the habit of wandering through creeks with my older brother and fishing. I talked to frogs, too (don't judge me). When my brother turned seven and discovered video games, I had to wander by myself.

Not that I didn't like video games – I did. I currently had the high score in _One Track_, a game that my brother jealously tried to defeat just about a million and two times – unsuccessfully. I just didn't like being cooped up inside all day. Even when it was raining, I'd steal his huge yellow raincoat and jump into all the puddles.

After I'd finished squeezing my mother to death and kissing her on the cheek, I bounded across the hall and up the ladder to wake my brother. My parents were a little strange, and my dad designed a very odd house for us. Perhaps he was where I got my adventurous tendencies. My brother's room was located at the end of the hall, up a ladder and then up circular stairs to a _tower_. I am still so jealous that he got that room.

Damn him for being older.

My house didn't exactly look like a castle – it wasn't made of stone – but it was pretty freaking awesome. I didn't get lost in it anymore, but when we first moved into it, it was a maze. It's still a maze to all my guests – like my best friend, Nell, who was visiting for two weeks. In August.

I had to go without my best friend for a whole month. BOO.

But still.

SO. EXCITED.

I shook those thoughts away as I reached the top of his tower and knocked on my brother's door. "Victor, breakfast!"

Nothing.

Typical. My brother could sleep until three in the afternoon, if he had the chance. I'd suggested to him more than once that he move out – he'd just graduated Hogwarts, after all – but he seemed pretty content where he was.

Maybe it was because he got to live in a TOWER.

I knocked again, harder this time. "VICTOR! BREAKFAST OR YOU'RE TOAST!"

(I like my puns. Shut up.)

Still nothing.

I sighed heavily. This happened every morning. My brother was born into a family of early risers, and it was rare to see him out of bed before nine. But it was my duty as his little sister to wake up him bright and early at seven-thirty, of course, so I impatiently turned the doorknob and shoved my way inside.

And immediately covered my eyes.

"Oh my Merlin," I mumbled in humiliation. "Oh my Merlin and his saggy pants – CAN'T YOU PUT UP A SIGN ON YOUR DOOR OR SOMETHING?"

Victor groaned and pulled the sheets up higher on himself and his girlfriend. "Mandy, get out."

"BUT YOU'RE NAKED."

"So you should _get out._"

"YOU'RE _BOTH_ NAKED."

"Mandy, if you don't get out in the next ten seconds, I'm going to tell Dad who decided it would be fun to shove leaves in the gutter and block it."

_What?_ Unfair, I was only trying to bug him.

I put my hands up immediately. "Now, let's not get hasty, here."

"Ten."

"I mean, does he know you have a girl up here?"

"Nine."

"Plus, you can trust me with your secrets. You know that."

"Seven."

"You're skipping numbers? YOU CAN'T SKIP NUMBERS!"

"Five."

"That's not fair, Vicky."

"Two. Get out before you're grounded for the whole summer."

"COME DOWN FOR BREAKFAST BYE." I flew out the door and slammed it shut behind me. Then I let out a long shudder.

Ugh. My brother. With a girl. Naked.

_Ew._

Victor and I used to be best friends when we were little, and that usually rekindled over video games. Otherwise, he was always off with his friends in his year, especially our neighbour, James Potter. They were like twins, honestly, with the same jet-black hair. My entire family had this hair. James was better-looking, though. My little sister and James' little sister Lily became friends, which left me with the middle child – Albus.

But I don't want to talk about that right now.

"Morning," I called as I entered the kitchen, grabbing my younger sister Addie from behind and giving her a bone-crushing hug. Could you tell I was known for those? She squealed and swatted me away.

I sat down between her and my _other_ little sister, Eleni. I planted a kiss on her chubby little cheek. "Hey, cutie."

"Good morning," she replied in that little high-pitched voice of hers. I loved that girl. She was sweet and innocent and just about the cutest kid I'd ever witnessed in my life. Even if I had to baby-sit her a few too many times.

Speaking of which…

"Mandy, it's your turn to baby-sit today," Mum said, coming over from the stove and putting a plate of eggs and toast in front of me. "Addie did yesterday."

I groaned. As much as I loved Eleni, she was a sneaky little devil when she had sugar. "Great."

"I wanna go to the park," she said happily, bouncing in her seat.

"Finish your breakfast first," I told her, digging in. Victor and his girlfriend, Barbie, as I liked to call her, arrived a few moments later. I smirked into my eggs.

"Bianca," my mum greeted tersely. I knew she didn't like her much either, but my mum put up with blonde-haired bimbo over there because she knew that my brother never really had much emotional attachment to those sort of girls. "Eggs? Toast?"

"No thanks, I don't eat carbs," she replied, flipping her hair. I snorted; _good luck surviving in this family if you don't like carbs_. She glared at me before turning back to Victor. "I should get going."

"Okay, bye," Victor said sleepily before grabbing a plate and letting mum fill it with scrambled eggs. Barbie stomped her foot irritably before making her way through the maze that was my home. With any luck, she'd get so lost that by the time she got out, she'd never come back.

Oh, wishful thinking.

"So what are you all doing today?" Mum asked us all as she and Victor joined us at the table.

"I was thinking of hitting the mall with Lily today," Addie piped up. "We wanted to go bathing suit shopping."

"I should probably get the pool running," Victor agreed, glancing out the window to our backyard. We had a decent-sized pool that took up most of the yard, leaving room for some pool chairs and a barbeque. The pool was bright blue and chlorine-filled and I loved it.

But I didn't really like wearing bikinis, much to Addie's dismay.

"What are you doing, Mum?" I asked, shovelling another forkful of eggs into my mouth.

"Cleaning up the house, probably," she answered. "Everyone should be back by dinner, the Potters are coming over for dinner."

It was harder than usual to resist from groaning.

The Potters weren't so bad, actually. I mean, Harry Potter was the saviour of the wizarding world – he was _awesome._ They were pretty good neighbours and friends. It was also pretty helpful that they knew about magic, since my family wasn't too good at hiding it.

But it was just that every time they came over, Victor and James would get holed up in the basement playing video games, Addie and Lily would start gossiping about something or another and I was stuck with Al. Always. And this wasn't a problem when we were younger, because back then, we used to be best friends.

Al and I used to hang out every single day. I'm not kidding. Back in the days when Eleni wasn't born and I didn't have to baby-sit every other day, we used to sneak out our houses after breakfast and go down the street to the park. We'd play and race and climb trees and all that fun stuff, and afterwards, when we were both out of breath but didn't want to go home, we'd lie in the grass and talk about Hogwarts. We both wanted to go and explore every inch of the castle, unlock every secret and tell everyone how we did it. That was the plan. We pinky swore.

That's _legit_, okay?

But then when we got to Hogwarts and he was Sorted into Ravenclaw and I into Gryffindor. We sort of grew apart. Then when summer came, he invited a couple of his Ravenclaw friends over and they made fun of me. I flipped them off.

I guess it wasn't the most ladylike thing I could've done.

But I never claimed to be a lady.

And that's exactly why they made fun of me – being the _boy_ next door. I mean, I guess it was a bad thing that I'd rather play in the creek than go shopping, but I didn't care. I still didn't. But I guess Al cared, because he didn't stick up for me, and I stopped trying to get my best friend back.

So, ever since then, dinners had become a bit of an ordeal. I started a food fight once. Al stomped back to his house and changed into another crisp and perfectly ironed shirt. That was another thing; over the years, Al had become a real stick-in-the-mud. He stopped going outside and spent his time poring over books. He became probably the bossiest Prefect ever known to Hogwarts. Or mankind.

For the most part, I preferred that he just leave me alone, anyway. But at the dinners, we were forced to sit together and make awkward conversation for long hours at a time. And it was annoying, okay? _He_ was annoying. And boring. I wanted to shove his stuck-up nose in a book and never speak to him again.

I'm not bitter at all. I swear.

"I'm off to work," Mum announced, dropping her plate in the sink as she bustled to leave. "I'll be back at around four to clean, if anyone wants to help me? Victor?"

"Sure," he replied sleepily.

"Bye mum!" I called, finishing my own food. Eleni jumped up to grab both our empty plates and proceed to tell me _exactly_ how to rinse my dish and put it in the dishwasher. Because I didn't know.

Ah, she was so cute when did it, so I didn't mind.

For the most part, I couldn't tell if Eleni was girly like Addie or a tomboy like me. She'd be a mix, maybe. She liked to wear frocks and go to the park and get it all dirty when she made sandcastles. But she also loved it when Addie did her hair. She'd probably grow up to become a very confused child.

Eleni was Daddy's Little Girl, though. Victor was a Mummy's boy. Addie and I were a little too in the middle, I suppose, but I didn't mind. Honestly, I wasn't exactly someone who wanted someone breathing down my back all the time. I'd rather go exploring _without_ my parents, thank you.

I made Eleni wash her hands _with _soap (she hated soap and shampoo because it was 'mean to her eyes') and got her to put on her shoes by herself before grabbing her hand and taking her outside. It wasn't too hot out, yet; Dad worked at night in the summer for this reason. He was probably due back in a couple of hours, and then he slept all day.

I mean, whatever works.

"Mum, it isn't what it looks like!"

"It _looks_ like you just came back home _now_."

Eleni and I stared at our neighbours. Mrs. Potter was standing in the doorway, red face matching her flaming red hair, arms crossed and evidently forgetting she was standing outside in her robe. She was so angry; I was just waiting for the steam to billow out of her ears.

And there was Albus, his black hair all mussed up and slouching guiltily in front of his mum. I rolled my eyes. First rule of breaking rules and not getting caught: don't look like you've done something wrong.

Amateur.

"Were you out with them again?" she asked him angrily.

"No," he said in a small voice.

"Lying, now?" She leaned against the doorframe. "This is the last time, Albus."

"But I –"

"Grounded," she announced loudly over her son's spluttering's. He stilled and stared up at her with wide eyes. She looked angry, but there was a glimmer of triumph in her eyes – like she'd finally gotten through to him.

"Grounded?" he choked out in disbelief.

"Grounded, Albus," she said firmly, pulling him inside by the ear. "For the entire summer." The door slammed shut, and I grinned at a confused-looking Eleni before ruffling her dark hair.

Well, well, well. Mr. Perfect had been grounded.

This oughta be good.

* * *

Here's a warning for all you rule-breakers out there: once you've done a crime and gotten caught, your parents' memories become a bit like an elephant's.

"Mandy, you're not going to start a food fight this time, are you?"

See what I mean?

"No, I'm not going to start a food fight," I answered, playfully pouting at my mum. "I'm much too innocent for that."

"And that, right there, is why I don't believe you," said Dad, waving a sauce-covered spatula in my face. I laughed. "That face, Mandy!"

"I'm no Slytherin, Dad," I pointed out.

"Should've been."

I pointed my tongue out at him before taking his spatula and replacing him at the stove. I stirred sauce before dumping it into a pan of vegetables. "When are they coming over, Mum?"

"Five-thirty. VICTOR, ARE YOU FINISHED CLEANING?"

"NO," he called back from somewhere in the house. "IS THE FOOD READY?"

"ALMOST."

"CAN I EAT?"

Dad and I burst into laughter, and Mum merely rolled her eyes and yelled back, "FINISH CLEANING, VICTOR."

"Mandy, you can go get dressed," said Dad, taking the spatula again from me.

I grumbled as I ran up the stairs. Getting dressed for these things was usually very irritating; Mum and I _always_ had a fight over what we were wearing. When I was younger, I could get away with shorts and a t-shirt, but now I had to fight for it.

I ruffled through my closet. Maybe a tank top? Would that be acceptable?

Ten minutes later, my mum came into my room as I was brushing my hair. She took one look at me and scoffed – as usual. "Mandy, you can't wear that."

I looked down to my plain grey tank top and black shorts. "What's wrong with this?"

"It's semi-formal, not casual."

"This is semi-formal for me."

"Maybe if you wore that new top I got for you the other day?" she asked hopefully, going through my closet and pushing t-shirt after t-shirt away. There were a couple of girly clothes in there – like a skirt. And a dress. (Shudder.) Mum pulled out one of those fancy tops that looked like a tank top with frills down the front. "What about this?"

I shrugged. "I guess I could deal with that."

"What about your black skirt?"

"NO."

"Mandy, you look very –"

"NO."

"Well, what about some lip gloss and eyeliner –"

"NO."

"I got you some clip-on earrings –"

"NO."

Mum sighed and rubbed her temples. "Will you be a girl for once? Please?"

"Being a girl is overrated," I mumbled, winding my arms across my chest. "We have to deal with literally bloody pains for a full week and eat everything in sight. I am not subjecting myself to wearing shiny pieces of crap. Aren't cramps enough?"

She rolled her eyes and threw the frilly tank top at me. "Language, missy. Put this on and meet Dad downstairs. He needs help setting the table."

"Sure he does." I snickered as Mum lightly smacked the back of my head and left the room. Okay, so our fights before these dinners weren't so bad, but they always made me feel guilty. I _could _have worn a skirt, sure – but then I'd bend and expose my chamber of secrets to everyone. No thanks.

I dressed, combed my hair one more time and made my way downstairs. I passed Eleni's room on the way; she was wearing a bright pink glittery frock. Addie finished braiding her hair just in time for me to swoop in and pick up my youngest sister and squeeze her into oblivion. Eleni collapsed in a fit of adorable giggles.

Best. Kid. Ever.

Even if I ended up baby-sitting her that night.

* * *

The Potters arrived promptly at about five thirty-five. I liked the Potters, in general; they were friendly and fun and when they invited their entire family over – the Weasleys – things became delightfully insane. Unfortunately, they didn't do that too often.

As usual, Mr. and Mrs. Potter followed my parents into the kitchen. James promptly dumped the cupcake container in my hands before following Victor to the basement. Lily and Addie hugged and squealed before going upstairs. Left in the foyer was an awkward Albus and I, avoiding each other's eyes.

And Eleni, of course.

"Hi, Al!" she chirped happily, holding out her arms to him. That girl was spoiled; between my siblings and I, Eleni never went without affection and expected hugs and kisses from everyone. To my surprise, Al chuckled and bent down to hug her.

"Hey, Eleni."

"Do you like my dress?" she asked, twirling around.

"It's beautiful."

"Thank you!" She curtseyed for him and took his hand. "Can I show you my room?"

"Uhh, sure." He stumbled upstairs as she pulled him to her room. I left the cupcakes downstairs and followed behind, trying not to snigger at the look on Al's face. He seemed to be looking for an opening so he could make an excuse and run.

Not on my watch, Potter. No way was he going to disappoint my baby sister.

Eleni's room was very… pink. It was her favourite colour, after all. My dad put up a large (pink) poster on one wall so she could draw, paint and put stickers on it. That girl loved anything to do with art. I think anyone could safely say she had that princess room every little girl wanted when they were little.

Well, except me.

Curse pink and glitter everywhere.

Albus rocked back and forth on his heels impatiently, pretending to be interested as Eleni explained her doll set to him in extensive detail. I lay on her bed, leaning over on the edge with my chin resting on my arms and watching, occasionally letting out a snicker every now and then. After thirty minutes, Al shot me a desperate look.

I raised my eyebrows, as if to say, _'What?'_

He gestured to Eleni, who hadn't noticed a thing, then mouthed, '_HELP._'

Hmm. Help this boy. Help him after he'd ditched me during the summer, busted me just about a million times for sneaking out after dark, given me detentions and let me sprain my wrist from all those lines.

Okay, so maybe I didn't actually sprain my wrist. But still.

He's going _down._

I shrugged and gave him my most charming smile. I could see the fury flame in his eyes as he turned back to Eleni, who was still blissfully ignoring our exchanged looks and telling how her dolls got married. He bent down and waited until she took a breath.

"Hey, Eleni?" he asked uneasily, "I'm going to go downstairs, okay?"

Her lip trembled immediately. "Why?"

"I – uhhh –" he stammered, looking to me for help. I grinned again, and his hands clenched in fists. He turned back to Eleni. "I think I'm going to hang out with my brother, okay?"

"But…" Tears were welling in her eyes and her pale cheeks had turned a bright pink. "But I thought you would play with me."

"Ummm…" He gestured to me. "Mandy will play with you."

"I played with her all day!" she wailed, stomping her foot. "I wanna play with you!"

The back of Al's neck was turning red.

Excellent.

"Eleni, don't cry," I cooed, sliding off the bed and picking her up. I snuck a grin to Al before kissing Eleni's cute little nose. Fat tears were now running down her face. "Al's just a big meanie. Don't worry, he'll play with you after dinner."

She sniffed and wiped at her tears. "Really?"

"Really." I smirked at Al, who'd frozen. "Tell her, Al."

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'll play with you after dinner."

"Pinky promise?" she said softly, holding out her little finger. The grin slid off my face as he took it and locked it around his finger. It was horribly familiar and still caused a pang in my stomach.

What the hell? I was supposed to be over that.

"Let's go eat dinner, Eleni," I told her, putting her down and leaning down to wipe her eyes with my fingers. She smiled and nodded before running out of her room. I made to follow her when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I jerked away and spun around. "What?"

"Why can't you help me?" he demanded angrily.

"Because you're a pompous ass."

"What did you call me?"

"Ask for help when you deserve it," I snapped. His fists clenched. "And don't break your pinky promise to my sister, or I'll break _you._"

"I'm not scared of you," he retorted.

"Yeah? Prove it," I snarled. With that, I flounced off, leaving him in the princess room all to himself. He could find his own way downstairs.

See? Not bitter at all.

* * *

"So James and Victor have graduated," my Dad began, raising his wine glass toward them. "Never thought I'd see the day."

Their grins turned into scowls.

"Hey!" James complained as Victor tossed a grape in Dad's direction. He ducked and laughed. "Come on, Mr. Mullens, we only blew up one toilet this year."

"That got old _before_ the first time you did it," said Al from beside me, rolling his eyes.

"Did you see the look on McGonagall's face, though?" I retorted, sniggering to myself. "Totally worth it." Victor and James looked very pleased with me.

Mandy – 1; Al – 0.

Ha.

"How would you boys like to celebrate?" Mr. Potter asked. Hey, that's right, we never celebrated – but it was only a week into vacation. We had a dinner on the night of their graduation, but I guess they wanted some sort of present. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Victor and James always celebrated together – a combined effort from the two of our families. They were the same age and their birthday was literally days apart – December twentieth was James and twenty-second was Victor – so they always had a huge party the day in between.

I think, in some alternate universe, they're actually twins.

"We could have another party?" Addie suggested. I detected the hope in her voice.

"Nah," my Dad answered. Addie was second in the Daddy's Little Girl list (Eleni was first), so the mere mention of her at one of James and Victor's party was enough to send him into panic mode.

Wait until he hears about her new boyfriend.

"Picnic?" Mrs. Potter suggested.

"No," answered James and Victor in unison.

"Whatever it is, it'll involve food," I said cheerfully, slurping up my spaghetti. Al wrinkled his nose.

"You're disgusting," he hissed.

"You're incorrigible," I hissed back.

"You make me want to hurl."

"You make me want to stab my eyes out."

"What about a waterpark?" Mum suggested, not noticing the exchange between Al and I. James and Victor's faces lit up. "There's a muggle waterpark that opened an hour outside of town, with huge water slides. And a kid's place for Eleni," she added gently, ruffling her hair.

"And you," Al whispered to me. I kicked him.

"Waterpark it is, then!" Mr. Potter decided gleefully, taking a hearty bite of his garlic bread. "Next week sound good?"

"Sounds good to me," Victor said. James nodded in agreement.

"So what's the plan for you, James?" Dad asked, waving his fork at him. "Living at home? Studying?"

"Well…" James glanced at Victor, who shrugged and stuffed his mouth with a forkful of spaghetti. "We were thinking of getting a flat downtown. I'm studying to be an auror."

Mr. Potter smiled proudly at this. "And Victor, you…"

"I have a summer job," he said, swallowing. "Quality Quidditch Supplies in Diagon Alley. I'll be starting in the Foreign Affairs and Sports Department at the Ministry in the Fall."

"What about you, Al?" Dad piped up. For some, _very _irritating reason, my dad loved the middle Potter child – probably because he was a Prefect and most likely Head Boy next year. I could never do that; I've gotten far too many detentions, and my grades were _good_, but not Prefect worthy. I didn't have an Outstanding in anything except for Care of Magical Creatures.

That's right, bitches, Hagrid loves me.

"I'm home this summer," Al answered shortly.

"Grounded," Mrs. Potter added. He scowled at his mother and stared down at his spaghetti.

My father seemed surprised at this. "Albus, grounded?"

"Seems to be taking after me," James boasted, and everyone but Al laughed. James wasn't really much of a trouble-maker – neither was my brother – but they did manage to blow up toilets a lot. There were also catfights involved at some point.

I don't even want to know.

"How about you, Lily?" Mum asked the red-headed girl. "Any plans for the summer?"

She shook her head. "Hanging out with Addie, mostly. Until she gets grounded."

"For what?" Mum asked, frowning at my sister. From the corner of my eye, I saw Victor get a massively wicked grin on his face.

"Well, if that boy who was all over her at the platform at the end of the year says anything, I bet she will be grounded," he said loudly, leaning back in his chair.

"Boy?" asked Dad, paling slightly.

Addie's face was a bright red. I could tell she was cursing Victor's existence at this point. "I haven't done anything wrong!"

"Addie, no boys until you're twenty-five," Dad ordered, causing sniggers around the table.

"But Mandy's allowed to have a boyfriend," she wailed unhappily, pouting at him.

"That's because she can't _get _one until then," Al mocked. More snickering around the table, and I kicked him again.

"That's right," Victor said, looking right at me. My eyes widened and I shook my head at him, knowing exactly what he was going to say. He gave me an evil grin. "I seem to recall a little of sister of mine taking a fancy to Kevin Corner last year."

My face burned. "Did not."

"Was that before or after he shot you down?" Al jeered, and everyone laughed. I kicked him again and stared down at my half-empty plate, beginning to smear my spaghetti sauce around my plate and trying not to think about stupid Kevin Corner.

I mean, you don't snog a girl and then publicly turn her down.

That had to be in a rulebook _somewhere,_ right?

"Heard it was a dare," Al hissed in my ear, and I immediately knew exactly who dared Kevin. I should've guessed that – they were in the same house, after all.

"Whatever," I declared loudly over the laughter, "I give up on boys."

"Started in on girls, have you? Even they'll turn you down, you know."

"Shut up, Al," I snapped, throwing my garlic bread in his face. I wish he didn't have to know the weakest points of my existence, but I couldn't help it if they were glaringly obvious. Whatever, I didn't care.

"You're a poop face," Eleni told Al, throwing a half-eaten baby carrot at him. It hit him in the forehead, and I laughed.

At least _someone_ stood up for me. Everyone else thought Al and I were just joking.

Let's not talk about the time they said it was sexual tension.

"Mandy's seventeen," Dad told Addie, still grinning. "When you turn seventeen, you can have a boyfriend."

"A little late for that."

"Shut up, Victor," Addie said, stabbing her spaghetti angrily.

"Anyway, how about you, Mandy?" Mr. Potter said loudly, trying to keep a straight face. "What are you up to this summer? Any adventures lately?"

I shrugged. "Nell's coming over in August, but I haven't any other plans…"

"We're going on a vacation, too," Mum said cheerfully. "Camping in the last week of July."

We kept going on like this for the rest of the dinner, like we always did. It was tradition, really; parents made conversation, the kids answered questions, Al and I insulted each other, I kicked him, Eleni occasionally backed me up. When dinner ended and we had some time to go off before dinner, Al pulled her aside in the hall.

"Hey Eleni, I know I promised we'd play, but I think I need to hang out with my brothers, okay?"

I watched, leaning against the wall, my anger building as my baby sister's eyes welled with tears. "Why?"

"Because…" He kneeled down in front of her. "You know. I want to hang out with guys my own age. You understand, right?"

"But…" Eleni gestured to me in the corner and wiped her eyes. "Mandy always lets me hang out with her!"

Al rolled his eyes. "Well, Mandy's kind of a loser, so –"

"I HATE YOU!" she screamed, retreating and running up the stairs. He watched as she disappeared in the maze that was my home, pushing a hand through his hair and shrugging.

That just made me angrier.

"What is your _problem_?" I snapped, rounding in on him.

"Oh, come on, she's just a kid!" he protested.

"Exactly!" I said, throwing my hands up. "You didn't have to be so awful to her!"

"She's going to realize sometime that older kids don't want to hang out with her."

"Maybe," I said through gritted teeth, "but that doesn't mean you can go around breaking hearts of little kids. You promised her, prat. Is it so hard to pretend to listen to her stories about her dolls for a little while?"

"Oh, shut up," he snapped. "You're acting like this is the end of the world. Are you mad for what I said at dinner or something?"

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "Like anything you say could bother me."

"Bet it does." He shook his head and turned away, probably heading for the basement. "You're such a stick-in-the-mud, probably because everything bothers you."

… _what_ did he just say to me?

"Excuse me?" I spluttered, marching up to him and spinning him around. "_I'm_ the stick-in-the-mud, Mr. Perfect Prefect?"

He snorted. "Like you know anything."

"I know you busted me for sneaking out, and my record says…" I pretended to think. "Oh, right. _Thirty-three_ detentions."

"Not my fault you can't sneak around," he shot back.

"And _you_ can?" I smirked as he flushed. "Who got grounded for the entire summer?"

"That's none of your business."

"I'm sure," I said, scoffing and turning away. "Amateur."

"Hey!" This time, I felt his hand on my shoulder, forcing me back around. His face was twisted in anger. "Like you could do any better than me!"

"I sneak out every night!" I told him. Technically, that wasn't true, but I did sneak out a lot. I just didn't go to places teenagers normally would go. Stargazing from trees only happen at night, you know.

"And you've never been caught," he said sceptically. "Right."

"I haven't by my parents. Only a nosy prefect."

"Fine," he said, arms tightening around his chest. "Show me, genius."

"What?"

"Prove it." He glanced back into the dining room, where our parents were still talking and drinking wine. "Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do."

"Neither do you," I muttered. "Fine. I will. I'll prove it."

"Fine."

"I'm not a stick-in-the-mud."

"Whatever you say."

I stomped hard on his foot and punched him in the gut, taking him by surprise. He doubled over and groaned loudly.

"What was _that_ for?" he asked angrily.

"For my baby sister." I kicked his leg again, as I'd done so many times over dinner. "You'd better learn to keep your promises, prat."

I left him there in the hallway, alone and groaning in pain. He'd be fine, I knew that – he was just being annoyingly dramatic, probably trying to get me in trouble. As I ran up the stairs to comfort Eleni, it occurred to me what I'd just done.

I'd just been tricked into proving myself to Al. The guy who used to be my best friend and now constantly picked on me and gave me detentions at every single opportunity. The guy who hurt my baby sister and broke promises. The guy I'd never, _ever_ need to prove myself to.

And you know what?

This was the perfect opportunity for revenge.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Al hated getting in trouble.

To be honest, I was surprised he had the guts to sneak out at night in the first place. He used to be this really timid child who cried every time someone bigger than him looked at him funny.

Okay, he was five. Whatever.

My point is that he wasn't the kind of person to do anything even the slightest bit daring, so it was surprising that _he_ was the one who called _me_ a stick-in-the-mud. I mean, who did he think he was? Al liked to abuse his authority on me to pick on me.

I never understood what I did to deserve that, exactly.

I formed a plan. Mrs. Potter seemed pretty angry with Al for doing what he did, which sounded like he snuck out and came home at around eight-thirty in the morning. My plan involved my sneaking onto his roof (wasn't that hard, our houses were close enough together that I could easily jump on there) and getting him out of the house… and getting us caught. On purpose.

Okay, so I wouldn't be proving my master sneaking out skills. But like I said, I didn't _need_ to prove anything to that boy. We weren't even friends anymore, and for once, I wanted him to be the one getting in trouble.

Muahahaha.

I watched the sun rise at around five in the morning. For some reason, it was one of those things that really motivated me to get up in the morning. I'd wake up just as the sun peeked through my window – my bed was in the right direction, so I'd wake up just at the right moment – and pop out onto my roof, yawning. Being outside felt so natural for me, like that one time of the day that I could just _think._

And trust me: I thought a lot.

I guess that was kind of girly of me, too.

To be clear, I didn't _hate_ being a girl or anything. I guess I just got used to thinking of things being too girly because I was so against it as a kid, but now, I was pretty much okay with girly things. I just personally didn't like putting the effort to put on makeup and jewellery because it just seemed so _pointless_ to me.

If I had to, I would.

You know, at wand point.

_Maybe that's why Kevin rejected me_, I thought gloomily, pushing my fringe out of my face and focusing on the orang-y tinge on the horizon. He was my Potions partner, and I didn't think he had anything against me or that I made my crush too obvious, but I suppose Al saw to it. Kevin and Al were in the same friend circle, after all.

Still stumped as to _why_ Al insisted on trying to make my life miserable, I slipped back into my room and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I was finished, I scribbled out a note for my mum to tell her I'd gone for an early morning walk, climbed out onto the roof and only left the window open a crack.

My home and the Potter home were side-by-side, and oddly enough, there really wasn't much of a space between them. Well, between the roofs; they extended over the small alley in between the houses, and I could easily jump onto their roof without a problem. I used to do it all the time when I was little, and I found myself doing the same thing again.

Okay, it was slightly creepy to knock on someone's window. But I had a plan, okay?

The Potter home was normal and contained no tower or strange mazes, which bored me to death. I had to be slightly more careful, too, since their roof had no flat parts. One wrong move and I could slip on the edge.

I carefully made my way to Al's room. I never knew why, but Al slept in the attic, which was smaller, more secluded and required a little bit of climbing. I remembered how many times we'd climb the ladder in their hallway, very sneakily of course, pretending we were ninjas as we climbed. When we got to his room, he always made a stack of books for me to sit on and we'd play games.

I ignored the pang in my chest and carefully heaved myself onto the platform that was the attic. I crawled over to his window, peering inside; Al was fast asleep, his mouth wide open and his sheets skewed everywhere. I took a deep breath and knocked.

Al was still a light sleeper, evidently; his eyes shot open as soon as I knocked. Confusion crossed his face before he threw his covers off and scrambled to the window, cranking it open immediately.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing here?" he demanded, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

I shrugged. "Sneaking out."

"At –" He glanced over his shoulder to his alarm clock on his bedside table. "_Five-thirty_? Who in the fucking _world_ is up at five in the morning?"

"You have a really dirty mouth in the morning," I stated, rolling my eyes. "And for your information, the sun rises at five A.M. in the summer."

"What are you, a rooster?"

I crossed my arms and glared at him. "What's the matter, Al? Do you need your precious beauty sleep?"

"Well, it's obvious that you don't get any of that," he grumbled, glancing down at me. I was suddenly self-conscious in my tank top and pyjama bottoms. With a groan, he unlatched his screen and took it out. "Fine. Just give me a second to brush my teeth."

I grinned triumphantly and slipped into his room as he went into his bathroom – his _own_ bathroom. Lucky duck. I looked around; his room hadn't changed much besides the number of books, which were literally everywhere. On his bookshelf, on the nightstand, on his desk, all over the floor…

Before I could check whether he slept with books under his pillow, he came back. His black hair was still sticking out in odd angles and he was awake. And he looked _very_ annoyed.

"Okay, where are we going?" he asked unenthusiastically.

"What's the matter?" I asked sadly, dramatically sticking out my lower lip. "Don't want to sneak out with me?"

"You're not my first choice, no."

"You know, if I bruised your ego that much, you probably wouldn't be able to take it," I said matter-of-factly, climbing out of the window. "I mean, you do see me insulting you every two seconds?"

"I… yes," he said as he followed me. "Of course. You insult me all the time."

"I don't," I denied honestly, carefully hopping off the attic ledge and heading towards my roof. "I'd appreciate it if you kept it to a minimum. At least to my face."

I looked back at him just before the jump onto my roof; his face was contorted in disbelief. I didn't blame him, to be honest – I'd never revealed the fact that his comments ever bothered me, because they _didn't_ – but I don't think he'd ever expect me to suggest something like this.

I mean, come on. We all have our flaws, and I wasn't _that_ bad of a person.

"What," he said finally, "like… become friends?"

I held up my hands, a small smile on my face. "Let's not get crazy, here."

"Then what are you saying?" he demanded.

"Just for you to have the decency to keep your opinions to yourself." I looked back after I made the leap onto my roof. He looked a little uneasy, and I suddenly remembered his fear of heights. "Come on, it's not that far of a leap."

"Right," he muttered, looking down at the ground. "I haven't done this in a while."

I stifled a giggle and held out my hand across the space. It really was that small. He looked even more uneasy at the thought of holding my hand, but in the end, he grasped it, jumped over and quickly let go.

"Thanks," he muttered, not looking at me. His ears were red.

"No problem." I bit my lip. "So, what about it?"

"I'll think about it."

I waited. He was silent as we climbed down the ladder at the side of my house – something I was pretty sure Mum and Dad knew about, but they never said anything or turned a blind eye to my use of it, and I was never stupid enough to bring it up. We walked down the street, opposite of Al's home, in the direction of the small plaza a few streets over.

"I kind of hate you," he said out of the blue.

For some reason, that kind of punched me in the gut.

"Really?" I asked, keeping my voice steady. Merlin, what did I _do_?

"Yep." He shoved his hands in his pyjama pockets. "So… if we were to potentially… I dunno, tolerate each other's existence… what would that entail?"

I shrugged. "I just asked for you to stop insulting me to my face."

"Hmm." He pressed his lips tightly together as he thought. "Would you be opposed to becoming friends?"

I stopped in my tracks.

He didn't notice and kept going for a couple of steps, turning around when he noticed I wasn't following him. He let out a breath. "Was it that bad of an idea?"

"I… no," I admitted. "But I thought you hated me."

"I do," he reassured quickly. Somehow, that didn't make me feel any better. "But my mum was kind of mad at me after dinner at your house last night. I mean, she's been pretty angry anyway," he added, shrugging, "and I think that maybe I went too far with what I said to you, and how I ditched your sister."

"Could've said it nicely to Eleni," I said, looking away. "She's only four."

"Yeah, exactly." He sighed. "I mean, I know you hate me, but maybe for the summer, we can just try to be friends? I'll get Mum off my back for saying those things to you, and I'll get used to not making comments."

I stared at him. As much as he bothered me, I'd never _hated _him.

But I didn't exactly feel the utmost need to correct him at that moment.

"Yeah," I said, shrugging. What's the worst that could happen? "Okay. Let's be friends."

"Great," he said tonelessly, continuing to walk as I caught up to him. "So, where are we going?"

"Town, I guess. I don't really know anywhere else we can go by foot."

"I can apparate."

"Right, your birthday's in April," I said enviously. "You can use magic…"

"Yeah."

"Okay, if you want to go somewhere else, we can," I told him. "This place is awfully dull, nothing ever happens around here."

He snorted. "Are you still going on about that adventure shit?"

"Hey!" I said, offended. "That is not _shit_, it's…" I struggled for words. "I dunno. It's an escape from regular life. I want to know what's out there, but I don't want to just sit back in Hogwarts and read about it."

"What've you got against reading?" he snapped.

"Nothing!" I assured him. "Just that it doesn't compare to actually going out and _doing _it, you know?"

He was silent for a moment. "Did you ever… you know, find out some Hogwarts secrets, like you always wanted to?"

So he _did_ remember that.

"Yeah," I said proudly, smiling.

"What'd you find?"

"Lots of passageways," I said, thinking back to the beloved castle. "A _lot_ of hidden passageways. The kitchens. A bunch of stuff in the Forbidden Forest, the most amazing creatures – oh, I also found out that if you talked to portraits, they'd lead you to places – like this one guy, who told me about this room that you have to _wish_ for something, and that's the only way it'll appear, if you need something, and the room gives it to you –"

"The Room of Requirement."

I raised an eyebrow. "You know about it?"

"My dad told me," he said tensely, as though the information had slipped through his fingers. "Haven't used it for much, though."

"I've used it a bit," I said. "Mainly hiding from you, though. Merlin, what was with all the detentions?"

"You were out after hours!" he protested. I thought I saw a small smile.

"Didn't need to give me so many lines…" I flexed my wrist; I swear I still felt the pain. "Do you even know how many times I wrote, '_I will not sneak out after hours'_?"

"I lost count," he said, lips twitching again.

The town finally came into view as we took the final turn. It was a small place, even smaller than Hogsmeade – and it was muggle. There were a couple of restaurants, a coffee shop, a huge superstore, a few clothing and shoe stores, a convenience store, a gas station, a bank and a pharmacy. There were tiny shops littered in between for random items you never needed.

"I suppose your idea of an adventure would be robbing a bank?" Al asked.

"No," I said, wrinkling my nose. "Breaking into one, maybe. I don't steal. Besides, it'd have to be a really big and cool bank, not a puny bank like this one."

"I see," he said, rolling his eyes. "I want coffee."

"Then go _get_ coffee."

Ten minutes later, we were seated in the café, Al sipping his black coffee (so right for him, he's so bitter), me spooning off the whipped cream on top of my hot chocolate.

"You're such a weirdo," he said as he watched me lick my spoon.

"I enjoy my whipped cream without people judging me," I said pointedly.

He shrugged and drank more of his coffee. "I stand by what I said."

I sighed. "This is never going to work."

"What?"

"Being friends." I propped my elbow up on the table and dropped my chin onto my hand, watching Al, who was staring around the café. How had we been best friends before? Everything seemed so much easier then.

"I think we're off to a good start." He grinned after seeing the look on my face. "Or not."

"Finally, the boy smiles," I mutter, sipping my hot chocolate and coming up with a whipped cream moustache. Al laughed. "Oh, and now he's laughing at my expense."

"The best kind," he said, giving me his napkin. "The stache suits you."

"Uh huh."

"Really, think about growing one." He squinted his eyes as I wiped my mouth. "Oh wait…"

"I do _not_ have a moustache," I said calmly. After the painful experience known as hair removal, I think I would know. Curse all that black hair that shows up on my skin. "You, on the other hand, don't seem like you can grow one." He immediately scowled.

We were going at it again, but this time, it didn't seem so bad. It wasn't like he was purposefully aiming to hit right at my weak spots, or cut through me with a knife. Nah, it was more like he was poking at me.

I could live with that.

And believe it or not, I actually started to feel a little guilty about my plan to get him busted. He hadn't apologized, but he wasn't trying to purposefully make me feel bad. And yeah, he was still a jerk – but he wasn't being vindictive. Anymore.

"So," he said as we began to walk back home, "what are the rules of sneaking out, O Mighty One?"

I laughed. "Well, first thing is that you make sure you sneak out at a reasonable time, and you don't come back through the front door." He grinned sheepishly. "Second, don't look guilty if you get caught. You probably could've pulled off coming back at eight-thirty in the morning as going for a run or something."

"But I didn't look sweaty or have running clothes," he said.

"That's why you plan ahead," I said, tapping the side of my head. "Bring clothes with you wherever you're going. Bring some water. Something."

"That takes a lot of effort."

"That, or sneak back in through the roof."

"I hate heights," he muttered.

"Your problem, not mine." I thought back to that morning. "Where have you been going so late?"

"Erm…" He looked very guilty for some reason. "Nowhere special. My friend has an apartment. Just been hanging out there, and I fell asleep by accident. A few times," he added.

I frowned. I felt as if there was more to the story; if that was all, I wouldn't see why he was so guilty. "Well, that doesn't seem too fair of your Mum…"

He shrugged. "I forgot to leave notes, I suppose."

"Oh…"

"Doesn't matter," he dismissed. "My mum doesn't really let me out of her sight now."

"She doesn't trust you."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Why?"

"Dunno," he said, kicking at the side of the road. I felt like throttling him; there was obviously so much more to that, and I wanted to know what it was.

_Now._

"I'm not babysitting Eleni today," I blurted out. Al gave me a look. "We could… maybe explore the woods a bit or something."

He snorted. "Adventure, huh?"

"You know me."

He rolled his eyes. "I'm grounded, Mandy."

"I bet I could convince your Mum," I said, thinking it over. Mrs. Potter loved me. "I mean, if you're going to be with me, you won't be getting into any trouble."

"Just going on an _adventure_," he said, faking enthusiasm. I kicked him. "Ow – fine, yeah. Let's go."

We finally reached out house and climbed the ladder. I helped Al get to his roof – he was reluctant to touch my hand again, and I tried not to laugh – and stopped there. He stared at me, waiting for me to say something.

"I don't understand what you have against exploring," I grumbled at last.

"Maybe exploring the woods isn't my kind of adventure."

"What is it for you? Sniffing your books?"

Al rolled his eyes for just about the millionth time – which really annoyed me, because it seemed pretty condescending for the most part – and turned back, heading towards his room. "Never mind."

"No, tell me!" I protested, calling after him.

He paused. "Maybe one day," he said loftily, "if you get the guts. Then I'll show you."

He smirked at me before sneaking back inside his room.

Well.

That isn't infuriating at _all._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"So, what do you think?"

"Erm…" I tried to think of the best way to tell someone my little sister that her new bathing suit probably needed more material than what she had on. "It's a little… small?"

She frowned and looked down at herself. "This is my size."

"Uhh…" I closed my book and put it down on the armrest of my bright green pool chair. "Well, it's… got polka dots."

Addie rolled her eyes at me. "You think it's slaggy."

"No!" I protested, shaking my head. "Well, yes. But I think most clothes that girls our age wear are slaggy, so I'm probably not the best person to ask –"

"Oi, Ads! Put on some more clothes!"

"Shut up, Vicky!" Addie shouted back at Victor, who'd just come out of the house and was heading towards the pool. He merely grinned, stripped off his shirt and canon-balled into the pool.

"Anyway," she said, turning back to me, "too slutty for you, right?"

"Yeah, that just about sums it up."

"Good." I snorted as she sat in the pool chair beside me. Seconds later, she groaned. "Barbie's here."

"She's always here," I grumbled, turning back to my book. Except when Victor babysat Eleni, Bianca the Barbie had pretty much joined the family. But she never talked to any of us; she mostly sneered in my direction before going back to hang off Victor's arm. It was annoying and Addie, Mum and I had taken to making fun of her behind her back.

Okay, it was sort of mean.

But worth it.

"You know, I think she might be wearing less of a bathing suit than you are," I contemplated, and Addie laughed.

"Have I been upgraded?" she asked, spreading sunscreen on her arms.

"Perhaps."

"Hey, Al!" she said cheerfully. I looked up and found Al plopping down in the chair on the other side of me. He raised a hand to Addie. "Where's Lily?" she asked.

"Erm…" He glanced back to his house before answering. "I dunno. Last time I saw her, she was trying on this slaggy bathing suit and James wouldn't let her leave the house."

"I hate when he does that," Addie grumbled, standing up and stalking over to the Potter home. There wasn't a fence, so it was easy for her to just walk across the yard and enter the back.

"What are you reading?" Al asked politely, startling me. I held up the cover for him.

"_Early,_" I answered.

"What's it about?"

"These kids who get trapped in the mountains near Hogwarts," I explained. "They wandered too far, their wands stopped working, and muggle items are still going haywire, so they've resorted to primitive ways to survive."

"Adventurous," he noted, smirking.

"You should read it, bookworm."

"I don't read too many novels," he told me, stretching his arms behind his back, "but I've finished the summer homework, so I may take a look."

"You're such a Ravenclaw," I said, laughing. Al and I had been actually getting along these past couple of days, and he always did something that reminded me why he was perfect in that house. Like naming random facts. Or that whenever I saw him, he was reading textbooks and encyclopaedias.

And he said _I _was the stick-in-the-mud.

But he wasn't so bad to be around. He rolled his eyes a lot whenever I wanted to do something exciting – probably because I was craving for something thrilling, and all we'd end up doing would be walking in the woods. Usually when I went by myself, I'd entertain myself by making up magical creatures and trying to scare myself, but with Al, we just walked and talked a lot.

Which was fine.

Boring, but fine.

"Who's that?" Al asked suddenly, nodding towards Barbie. "She's hot."

I felt a twinge of annoyance. "Victor's girlfriend."

"Lucky bastard."

"But she's an airhead," I objected, and he shrugged.

"Those are the best ones," he said nonchalantly, leaning back and staring at her. She didn't even notice; she was too busy flirting with my brother and trying not to get her hair wet. "For his kind of purpose, anyway."

And those were the times when I questioned his place in Ravenclaw, after all.

"Whatever," I muttered, turning back to my book.

"Are you babysitting today?" he asked.

"Yup."

"Want to take the little brat somewhere?"

"Don't call her a brat," I snapped, looking over at Eleni in the sandbox. "She's just about the sweetest kid in the world."

"If she's a little kid, she's a brat."

I sighed. "Where do you want to take her?"

"I dunno, anywhere," he said, yawning. "I need to get out of this neighbourhood."

"We're going to the water park in a few days."

"Can't wait that long," he complained, nudging me with his elbow. "Come on."

"I thought you were grounded," I said suspiciously, putting down my book to look at him. "Isn't your sentence for the entire summer?"

"Yup," he said, popping the 'p'.

I raised an eyebrow. "What did you _do_ that was so bad?"

"That's for me to know and for you to never find out," he said, smirking and looking over to Eleni. "Are you sure you can't ditch the brat?"

"A hundred percent," I said stubbornly, crossing my arms against my chest. "And for the last time, she is _not_ a brat."

"Sure."

"You know what?" I said irritably, standing. "I'm going to take my non-bratty baby sister and go somewhere fun. Without you. And we will enjoy games and fried food and being outside of this neighbourhood. Again," I added, smirking, "without you."

He scowled at me as I flounced off towards the sandbox and got Eleni. Once she heard the word 'arcade', she immediately jumped up and kicked over her sandcastle. Only after I'd washed her hands and made her change did I hear Al's voice behind us.

"Wait!" he called. Eleni pouted at me when she heard Al's voice, but I turned around. He dodged through my maze-like hallways and approached us at the front door. "I'm coming with you."

"No!" she cried, stomping her foot and turning away from him. "I don't want him to come!"

I smirked at him, and he shot me the finger before crouching down in front of her. He turned her around and gave her an apologetic look. "Hey, Eleni. I didn't mean to ditch you the other night, okay?"

"Yes you did," she said stubbornly.

He looked as though he was silently cursing. "I mean… I just didn't want my brother to make fun of me. But I think you're a lot cooler than him, so I'm going to hang out with you from now on, okay?"

She looked up at me. "And Mandy?"

"Yeah, and Mandy," he said grudgingly, but grinning at me.

She smiled too, showing all her little teeth. She took my hand and his hand and led us out the front door, yelling, "AR-CADE! AR-CADE! AR-CADE!"

And Al let her.

Well, look how far the boy has come.

* * *

"I am _not_ getting in there."

I finished tucking Eleni into the car seat before closing the door and getting in the drivers seat. I watched as he stood outside, watching me adjust my mirrors. "Get in, Al."

"Are you sure you're eligible to drive this thing?" he asked nervously, climbing in the passenger seat. He didn't close the door. "You're not going to... I dunno, drive into the ditch for adventure?"

"That's dangerous," I said, rolling my eyes. "Close the door."

"I want to see your licence."

"You're such a wuss."

"I'm just looking after my life!" he protested, still refusing to close the door.

"You know, Quidditch is more dangerous than this," I commented, and he grinned at me. Eleni was whining for us to leave, but I couldn't help but grin back. "I will allow you to knock me off my broom in the next match if you cooperate."

"I could do it anyway."

I raised an eyebrow at him, and he sighed.

"Fine," he said, closing the door. "You win."

"Thanks," I said cheerfully, starting the car. "Besides, you have nothing to worry about; I confunded the examiner."

"You did _what_?"

He was so gullible.

* * *

One of Victor's favourite places in the world was the arcade.

When we were little, it was one of those places we'd go any time we got the chance to get out of the neighbourhood. Sometimes our parents took us, but mostly, the babysitter ended up taking us whenever we begged hard enough. It was in driving distance and a little expensive, but totally worth the trip every once in a while.

Over the years, they'd renovated the place, but it was still reminiscent of the old arcade it used to be. It was a huge room, a fast-food stand in one corner, a prize stand in the other and then rows and rows of brightly painted machines.

It was heaven. I was sure of it.

The great thing about this place was that it was kid-friendly. You paid at the front counter, go through the tiny, kid-proof gate and it shut behind you. Eleni was free to run around and play as much as she liked, and I didn't have to worry about her getting into trouble or sneaking out of the place.

Like she would.

Eleni set off as soon as we paid and went through the gates. She threw her hands up in the air and screamed, running towards the colourful little kiddie games. Al stared after her.

"Is she always like this?" he asked in disbelief.

"I think she had sugar today."

"Blimey," he said as we walked towards the section of the arcade for older kids. "I don't know how you handle that."

I laughed. "She hugs me when I'm sad."

"You have a heart, Mullens?"

"Shut it," I joked, whacking him on the arm, and he laughed. "I told you, she's sweet. I don't actually mind having to babysit her."

"Do you not have friends?" he asked as we approached the nearest machines.

"I do." We stopped at one of the machines and Al leaned against it, waiting for an answer. I shrugged at him. "I have Nell. She's my best friend. I have other friends in Hogwarts, but she's the one I usually hang out with."

He still looked unconvinced. "Then why would you rather hang out with a four-year-old?"

"Because I'm not a total douchebag?"

He scowled as I laughed. I pulled out the tokens I'd gotten from the front counter out of my pocket and inserted one in the machine. Immediately, six white balls slid out the opening at the bottom. I took one.

"Ever played this before?" I asked.

"I haven't been in here in years..." he trailed off as he looked around, and I suddenly remembered the few times I'd dragged Al along. When our siblings would run off, we'd always run off to the car racing games and then share chips later.

Merlin, we had a lot of good memories.

What happened to us?

I shook it off.

"Okay, so basically," I said, holding up the ball, "you're trying to get this thing into one of the slots." I motioned to the machine; it was large and bright green, a decline from the top to the bottom. On the surface were a bunch of square-shaped holes where the balls fit into, and the holes made up a pyramid. The top hole was labeled '100'; if I got the ball into that hole, I would win a hundred tickets.

It wasn't as easy as it looked.

I handed him the white ball and he took it, warily eying the holes, then the ball, then the holes again. He glanced up at my smirking face before tentatively tossing it towards the top hole.

It clanged a few inches to the side and rolled down to the bottom, disappearing into the machine.

"Nice aim," I teased, handing him another ball. "Two more tries. Make the best of it."

"I'm no Chaser," he grumbled, giving the ball another toss. It clanged farther this time due to his lack of concentration. "Dammit!"

"It takes some practice."

"I guess so," he said as he missed again.

"My turn!" I said cheerfully, hip-bumping him out of the way. He chortled as I took one of the white balls and held it in my palm, getting a feel for the weight.

"What are you waiting for?" he taunted. I ignored him and bent slightly, squinting at the top hole. He sniggered at me until I carefully tossed the ball into the '100' hole. It was quite satisfying to see his jaw drop as the machine dinged and spit out a hundred tickets.

"Still pro," I said happily, straightening up and winking at him.

He grumbled as I took the next ball, doing the exact same thing and winning a hundred more tickets. As I picked up the last ball, he held out his hand expectantly. I raised an eyebrow. "Come on, one more try, I didn't get any."

"I know," I said, snickering.

"Mandy..."

"Ally..."

"Don't call me that," he snapped, stepping closer, hand still outstretched. "Come on, it's the last ball."

I considered it, tapping my chin. "Only if you say the magic words."

He snorted. "You wish."

"Very much so."

"Come on, Mandy, you've already won two hundred -"

"And I'm about to win some more," I said determinedly, smirking as I began to aim again. "Unless you say 'please'." I watched him from the corner of my eye, and it was only until I was finally about to throw the ball that he did something.

Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

"AHH!" Al had, very un-characteristically might I add, thrown his arms around me from behind me and trapped my arms. I clutched the ball tightly, trying to ward off his prying fingers.

"Al, get off me!" I squealed, laughing.

"Give it to me!" He was laughing too.

"Never!"

"Mandy!"

"It's mine! You had your turn!"

"You're already good at this game!"

"Not my fault you can't aim!"

"I'm a Seeker. I'm supposed to catch it, not throw it."

"I think if you said 'please', you'd have a lot easier time of doing that."

"Who said that's what I was trying to catch?" he asked quietly. I nearly dropped the ball in shock.

Was that... _flirting_?

I didn't have time to think about that before I heard my little sister's voice calling my name, felt two tiny hands prying the ball from my fingers and Al's hands quickly letting go. I turned around and he grinned at me, red-faced.

… what just happened?!

"MANDY MANDY MANDY I WANNA PLAY THE BIG KID GAME!" Eleni whined, tugging on my sleeve. I quickly snapped out of it and began explaining how to play, trying to forget his hot breath against my ear, his body pressed against mine.

Since when did I become so hormonal?

I picked up Eleni and tried to keep her as still as I could as she threw the ball. To my surprise and Al's dismay, she managed to get it into one of those labeled as 'ten'.

"Well, look at that!" I cheered, spinning Eleni around. She clapped her hands happily. "Even Eleni caught it before Al did!"

"How many do I win?" she asked excitedly as I put her down.

"Two hundred and ten," Al answered quickly before I could say anything. I shook my head and smiled as he gave her my winnings as well. "Let's go to the prize booth."

"Piggy-back!" she insisted, tugging on his jeans. "I wanna get the big giraffe!"

And the biggest surprise of that day was when Al leaned down, took my little sister on his back, stood up, winked at me and then went running towards the prize booth. Not caring who saw him with the little kid.

I wasn't quite sure what had changed, or why.

But I wasn't complaining.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"You know, for being grounded, you're allowed to do an awful lot."

Al shrugged, continuing to follow our families to some place to sit in the water park. We'd brought a couple of huge umbrellas and picnic blankets. It was apparent that the parents were going to be suntanning all day while the rest of us rode the roller coasters, went down the slides, tested out the wave pools and had an awesome time. Even Barbie couldn't spoil this place; Victor was on babysitting duty. Sucker.

Today was going to be a good day.

"I think this is a good place," Dad announced, setting down the umbrella in the sand. By the wave pool was a makeshift beach, and we'd settled ourselves a pretty good distance away from the water. Not too far that it was inaccessible to our lazy butts, but not too close that it would ruin the food.

You ruin my food, you die.

"Where do you want to go first?" he asked as we sat down. "I heard the Boomerang is wicked. You're dipped right into the water and come back up again."

"You might even get water up your nose," I said cheerfully, and he laughed.

"So when are we meeting your boyfriend?" my dad piped up loudly - not directed to me, but to Addie. Her face flushed a deep red.

"Are you going to threaten him?"

"Of course."

"Never," she decided, coming up to me and sitting in front of me. She handed me the sunscreen. "Do my back, will you?"

"Sheesh, Addie," I commented, making sure to squirt the cold lotion directly onto her back to make her squirm. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to show as much skin as possible."

"Shut it, prude."

I ignored Al's sniggers. "Is your boyfriend here, Addie?"

"No," she said quickly. Too quickly.

I grinned and finished rubbing the lotion onto her shoulders. "You know, it's okay for me to know. I'm not going to tell Dad."

"Mr. Mullens would have a fit," he chortled, and I slapped his arm.

"Turn around," Addie instructed, turning around herself. I did as she told and pulled the dress that went over my bathing suit so she could rub lotion on my exposed back.

"Nice bathing suit," Al said patronizingly, eyeing the one-piece. I flipped him off.

"Told you that you should've gotten a bikini," Addie grumbled in my ear as she quickly finished my back. "Yeah, okay. He's here. But you can't tell Mum or Dad."

"I won't," I assured, turning around again so I could look at Addie. I didn't like the way Al was looking at me; I'd had enough with his teasing for a lifetime. "Are you just going to snog behind rides all day?"

"Maybe underwater," she said, grinning.

"That's so fucking romantic," Al deadpanned. "Pass the sunscreen."

"Get it yourself, loser," I said, squirting some on my legs. He leaned over and snatched it from me. "Oi, can you not wait your turn?"

"You said to get it myself." I turned to protest and grab the bottle back just as Al pulled his t-shirt over his head.

Well.

Fuck.

"What?" he asked, grinning at me. Specifically, how my jaw had dropped. Dear Merlin, that was embarrassing, but... holy crap, when and _how_ did that boy get so well-defined?

If I wasn't self-conscious before, I was now.

I quickly shut my mouth and grabbed the bottle back, ignoring his smirk and avoiding Addie's eye. She'd been bugging me about how much I was hanging out with Al lately, and though I told her about that whole flirting episode in the arcade, I was beginning to think it was a fluke. I mean, we'd still hung out after that, but he hadn't really done anything strange. Just the usual banter.

Okay, fine. I was attracted to him.

And he made it obvious that he didn't find me appealing at all.

So unfair.

Addie flounced off to do the same for Lily's back. If it wasn't for Lily's hair being red, I could've sworn those two were twins. I wondered how Lily would feel about getting dumped by her best friend.

Unless Lily had a guy.

Maybe I could tease Al about that later.

I shook my head, smiling as I finished with the sunscreen and quickly put my dress back over my head.

"Why're you putting that thing back on?" Al asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I dunno," I muttered, tossing my bag toward the picnic baskets. I took a deep breath and tried to pretend everything was okay. "So, which ride should we go on first? The Boomerang?"

"White lightening," he said, glancing over his shoulder to where it supposedly was. He was pretty excited, I could tell. When he looked back to me, he was grinning. "We have to go on that one. And the one that drops you into the pool."

I couldn't help but smile. And stare at his bare chest.

But seriously, the guy's a bookworm. When did he ever build _that_?

"We're leaving, Mum!" Al called, tugging at my arm before he stood up. Mrs. Potter didn't even look over; she was busy settling into a blanket, sunglasses on and looking ready for a nap.

"Your mum looks really relaxed," I told him as we headed towards the water slide named 'White Lightening'. "Have you been stressing her out?"

Al rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the white tubes about fifty feet away. They looped around like a roller coaster, except there were two people per inflatable tubes and most water slides ended with being dumped in a pool of water.

"The lines aren't so bad for a Saturday," I commented, still trying to make conversation.

"Who cares?" he said, grinning at the huge ride. As we reached the back queue, he leaned on the metal railing, staring up at it. "I'm going in the front."

"No way," I protested immediately. The inflatable tube-thingy was an elliptical, one seat in the front and one in the back. "What happened to ladies first?"

"I'm not a knight in fucking armour," he retorted. "I'm up front, I called it."

"Aren't you scared of heights?" I protested as we moved up in the line. "Speaking of which, how are you a Seeker? You never played Qui - err," I cut off, looking around. They didn't seem to have heard anything. "Um, you know."

He snickered. "I did before school," he said, turning to look at me. "I'd go over to the Burrow sometimes. That's when I learned how to..." He trailed off, becoming a little frustrated. How does one have a proper conversation about Quidditch in front of Muggles? He jerked his head. "You know."

"I didn't know that," I said, frowning. Then I laughed. I suppose he learned how to fly and realized it. "I guess you didn't like it much up there, huh?"

"I've played one game," he grumbled, turning back around and moving forward. We were nearly to the front of the queue. "I was Seeker. Reckon I could try again if I wasn't afraid of heights."

"I love being high up," I said, smiling to myself. "Feels amazing."

"Weirdo," he muttered, looking at the metre stick for younger kids. "Oops, I don't think you can come on this ride, midget."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "You're not that much taller than me."

"But I _am_ taller, which is important." He winked at me before grabbing the yellow dingy from the guy at the station. I followed him as we climbed to the top of the hill. We stepped in the pool just before the opening of the tube, putting the dingy in front of us. Al was about to climb into the front when he caught my look.

The puppy dog eyes never fail.

"Fine," he relented, holding the tube still.

"Thank you!" I said happily, seating myself in. He climbed in after me, his legs coming around the front. Around me. I felt his hands at my shoulders, gripping them as reinforcements. It was almost like were spooning.

Screw that. We were totally spooning.

Holy crap.

"You ready?" he asked, speaking softly in my ear. I was suddenly reminded of the arcade.

"Yeah," I said shakily as we pushed forwards. Except not. I wasn't ready for this. Not the flirting, not any touching and certainly not any spooning. I just wanted my best friend back, and I think I finally did, even if we argued a lot more than we used to. I wasn't expecting anything more than friends. I really wasn't.

And I was definitely _not_ ready for him to play with my heart.

* * *

"Hey, Mandy," Mum said, lips twitching. "Having fun?"

"Yeah," I said excitedly, plopping down in front of my mum and grabbing my towel out of my bag. I immediately wrapped it around my hair to squeeze the water out. "We went on White Lightening, Boomerang, Tower of Doom, that ride that drops you into a pool -"

"We forgot to go on the tunnel one," Al reminded me, sitting next to me. To my dismay, he grabbed my towel and dried out his own hair. I gaped at him - first, because he was using my towel, second, because _my mum was right there_ and thirdly, he was drying the water on his chest.

If you thought Al was attractive _dry_...

"Give that back," I mumbled, yanking my towel back and wrapping it around me. Damn it, now it smelled like him. I shivered and turned back to my mum, who was smirking behind her book. "Got any food? I'm starving."

"Yeah, apparently chlorine makes you really hungry," Al said as Mum tossed us sandwiches from the picnic basket. "I'm not sure why."

"We should get ice cream later," I said to him.

"Agreed."

"Hey Mandy, want the brat?" asked my older brother as he dumped Eleni beside Mum and lunged for a sandwich. He sat down beside our little sister, who was playing with her dolphin towel. "You get to go on all the kiddie rides."

"It's your turn to babysit," I told him.

"This is my graduation present!" he protested.

"No."

"Can't you take her for the afternoon?" he asked, turning to Mum instead. She raised an eyebrow and took a sip from her martini.

"You think _I_ want to go on the kiddie rides."

"Dad?" he asked desperately, straining to look beside Mum - but he was fast asleep.

"Don't worry," Mum said, handing Eleni a sandwich. "I think Eleni and I will have fun swimming in the wave pool, won't we?"

"YEAH!" she screamed, clapping her hands excitedly. A little too much sugar again.

"Al, you _have_ to go on that one," said James, coming up and sitting beside Victor and pointing behind him to the tunnel ride. Scratch that, it was _behind_ the tunnel ride. It was a tall tower with ends stretching out like a spider, bumper cars attached to the ends. It went very high up in the air before dropping, spinning around and around as it submerged in water and then came back up again.

Al paled and stuffed the rest of his sandwich in his mouth.

"Come on, Al," James insisted, punching him in the arm. "Time to face your fears. That, or throw up all over Mandy."

"Hey!"

"As tempting as that sounds," said Al, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "I don't think so."

"Thanks a lot," I muttered, wrapping my towel tighter around me.

"You're going to freeze like that," Addie noted as she came up with Lily. I noticed her hair wasn't wet - amateur move. If she wanted to convince Mum and Dad that she was on rides, she'd probably have to at least jump in the pool for a second before snogging the crap out of her boyfriend. Her lips were swollen, too.

"Addie's right," Lily said as they sat down next to James and Al, completing the circle. "You do realize you're not supposed to actually wear that in water, right?"

"I can if I want," I grumbled defiantly.

"No, you really can't."

"Besides, you look like an idiot walking around in a wet dress," Addie added, smirking. I practically threw their sandwiches at them.

"So, no rides, Addie?" Mum noted casually, throwing her a look. Mums know everything.

Addie choked. Lily had to slap her back before my sister could say anything, and by that point, her face was red. Guilty red. It's a special shade, I'm sure you could find it in a crayon box. "Um, no, I was tanning."

"Does tanning normally give your lips a workout?" Victor asked. Addie took out the ham from her sandwich and threw it at him. Mum laughed and looked back at Dad, who was still asleep. His hat was over his face.

"I think we can keep it a secret from Dad, right?" Mum said to Addie's guilty red face. "Maybe if you give me the details?"

"Sure," Addie said in a resigned tone, ducking as Victor threw the ham back.

"Oh no," James groaned, covering his eyes with his hand and half a sandwich. "_Please_ don't tell me that's Mum and Dad in the wave pool." Al spun around, eyes wide. I laughed as Al's face turned from shock and utter humiliation. It was an expression I didn't see too often.

Al dropped his head in his hands. "That's _disgusting_."

"They're just snogging," I reasoned, laughing.

"Like you'd know anything about that."

"Probably more than you, Mr. I'm-going-to-read-up-on-the-laws-of-Transfiguration."

"I was bored!"

"_That_'_s _what you do when you're bored?"

"Do you guys ever stop arguing?" Addie asked, but she looked amused. Al rolled his eyes at her and urged me to eat my sandwich so we could get away from his parents and find an ice cream stand.

Hey, I wasn't going to argue with that.

* * *

"You know, I don't understand why you hate your family," I contemplated as we walked back to our place at the beach.

"Honestly, I don't understand why you _like_ your family," Al said, determined to not look at me for some reason. I caught a bit of vanilla ice cream dripping down my cone with my tongue - and then realized why Al was avoiding my eye.

That was quite satisfying.

"I like my family because they're like..." I thought for a second, making sure my bare feet didn't touch some of the jagged rocks on the ground. "I dunno. Families are like permanent friends."

Al snorted. "Permanent friends that embarrass you."

"I don't think it's any help to anyone to be embarrassed too easily."

"What do you mean?

"People tend to remember things that embarrass them," I told him, watching as he licked his vanilla cone. Merlin, that was so tempting. "If you're less embarrassed by things that don't matter - like your parents snogging in the wave pool - you're less bitter."

"I'm not _bitter_," he argued.

"You are a little bitter." He scowled and I laughed, hip-bumping him. "Loosen up, Al, you're stuck with them. Might as well make the best of it."

"Your life motto."

"Yup." I paused, swirling my tongue in my cone, gathering ice cream. "That, and the fact that adventure is the key to a happy life."

Al shook his head, giving me the same amused look that Lily had given us earlier. I should be thankful he chose not to reply with a snarky comment, because it was kind of true.

Hence, I managed to be at the front seat of every ride we went on.

Al was nice. Sort of. Deep - _deep_ - down.

"I want ice cream," Eleni whined as we approached our place on the beach. Everyone had eaten and left by then (except Mum and Dad, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter were... occupied) and she still had half her sandwich left.

"Finish your sandwich, then we'll get ice cream," Mum told her.

"But I want it _now_!"

Al let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like 'brat'. I threw him a dirty look.

"Hey, you want the rest of mine?" I asked my sister, leaning down giving her the half-eaten cone. She immediately stopped whining and grabbed it, licking away. I smiled and kissed her cheek.

"Thanks, Mandy," Mum told me gratefully.

"Weirdo," Al muttered as I straightened up. I rolled my eyes as he finished off his cone and dusted his hands off. "Ready to go on more rides?"

"Yeah, in a second," I muttered, reaching to the back of my wet dress and pulling it off. I was cold, and besides, Addie and Lily were right; wearing this dress over my bathing suit _was _weird. I was getting strange looks the entire way.

But it was nothing compared to the look Al gave me after I took off my dress. I instantly blushed, realizing that I had kind of just stripped in front of him.

Oops.

"See you later, Mum," I said, avoiding Al's eye this time. She didn't answer, since Eleni had decided to take that moment to dump sand in her cone and try to eat it.

We set off towards the tunnel ride.

"So," Al said, clearing his throat, "this one's pretty cool. I think we go underwater."

"That's wicked," I said, trying to grin. I felt more and more self-conscious by the second. In case you haven't noticed, Al's very attractive half naked, and I... well, let's just say I wouldn't look at myself in front of him.

Maybe Al was embarrassed of me.

"You should try the one James pointed out," I said, trying to ease the tension. Merlin, I strip and suddenly everything's awkward. "I bet it's not so bad. Just close your eyes at the top."

"No use," he said gloomily, shaking his head. "I _always_ look. It's a disease."

"I could blindfold you," I suggested, laughing. Then I realized how suggestive that sounded and immediately felt all the blood rush to my face.

It wasn't even that suggestive.

But what _was_ suggestive, we found out, was the tunnel ride. It wasn't the kind of submarine-ride we'd expected, but was actually one of those sappy boat rides. For couples. Where they go into a dark tunnel to _snog._

"No," I stammered, stepping back. We'd reached the front of the line before realizing what it actually was.

"Yeah, no, we're not going on this thing," Al agreed.

The guy working the ride merely rolled his eyes. I wondered how many people he got in there who hadn't realized it was a couples-only ride. "You can't turn around."

"We're _not_ going on this ride -"

"Just exit along the side of the tunnel," he said impatiently, gesturing beside the dock. There was a small path on the right side of the tunnel, but not into the water. "Walk for a few minutes, you'll get out through the other end."

"Why can't we just turn around?" Al asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Have you _seen_ the lines?" he demanded. He wasn't very happy to be working there for his summer job, was he? "Just go through the tunnel, okay? There's a bridge on the other side."

"Fine," Al grumbled, striding past me. I quickly caught up with him as we started walking through.

"Slow down!" I said as we entered the darkness. "Any faster and you'll be running."

"So?"

"Do you want to slip and fall in the water?"

"I won't," he muttered, but slowed down. He fell in step beside me as we travelled further in. It became darker and darker as we went further in, the tunnel taking twists and turns. We didn't speak; we just listened to our feet hitting the pavement, the steady beat of the water hitting the sides of the tunnel and the painful, _painful_ silence.

"Do you think we're almost there?" I whispered after some time.

"I sure hope so."

"I wish this was a submarine ride."

"Me too," he said, exhaling loudly when we finally saw light peeking out through another turn. "Bloody finally." I kept silent.

Sometimes I really wondered why he bothered being around me.

We walked along until the tunnel opened up to the park again, and I sighed in relief. The stream led further along the park, and just as the cranky worker said, there was a bridge crossing over the water. We could easily get to James' favourite ride from here.

"Well," I said, breaking another bout of awkward silence, "we could go on - AHH!"

Just as we were about to cross the bridge, the little bastard pushed me into the water.

I emerged, spluttering as Al laughed loudly. Without thinking, I quickly grabbed his ankle and pulled him in. Clearly, he wasn't expecting such an obvious move, since he cried out in surprise as he fell behind me.

And he thinks he's a Ravenclaw.

I was giggling as he came up, spitting out water from his mouth. As I slicked my hair back and out of my eyes, Al began to laugh, too.

Awkward silence: broken.

"Should've known you'd try something like that," he said, climbing out and offering me a hand. I accepted it. I couldn't stop giggling.

"You're the one who pushed me in."

"You were the one who was about to suggest I go to my _doom," _he said dramatically, gesturing to the spider-like tower. It was clearly in view now that we'd crossed the bridge.

"Al, you're not going to die on that ride."

"You don't know that."

I pushed a hand through my hair again. "Oh come on, you - Al?"

Al had suddenly pushed me against the wall - the tunnel, from the opposite side. My breath hitched as my back hit the concrete; he was suddenly very close, his arms on either side of me. Trapping me. I stopped laughing immediately at the look on his face; it was curious, nervous.

But determined.

"Mandy?" he breathed. I was definitely not breathing. My heart was thumping crazily in my chest. I'd never been so close to him before; I could see water droplets dripping from his dark hair, down his forehead, over his nose, across his lips. Merlin, his lips. I wasn't sure if it was just because we were so close, but I couldn't stop staring at them.

"Mandy?" he asked again, even more quietly than the last time. My eyes flickered back to his. They were green, flecks of the shades surrounding his pupils. I couldn't believe I'd never noticed them before. I took another sharp breath as one of his hands moved to the side of my neck, the other to the bare skin on my back. "Mandy, can I try something?"

My mind was spinning. He was so _close_. "What?"

"I..."

He trailed off and closed his eyes, and the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine.

His lips tasted like chlorine and ice cream. That's what he smelled like. He kissed me softly. It was though he was warming my entire body. It didn't even last that long; he pulled away first, and my lips followed, my body coming off the wall. I didn't open my eyes, and I had no idea if he'd opened his.

But the next thing I knew, he was slamming me back against the wall and kissing me harder, rougher. Like we were arguing again, but it wasn't the bickering we'd been doing lately. This kiss practically screamed the biting insults, the bitter hatred we'd gotten used to in the last six years.

I grabbed at the torso I'd been trying not to stare at for the past four hours as he kissed me hungrily. His hands roamed through my scalp and gripped my hair, hard enough to bring me closer, but not hard enough to hurt. I moaned and he pressed against me, our wet skin slippery against the other. It was as though we were lost in each other.

"Al?"

The voice broke the spell and broke us apart.

We stared at each other, panting hard, still too close and still looking in his green eyes and at swelling lips. I couldn't believe it. This was my best friend turned enemy, and now, we had just snogged like our lives depended on it.

I didn't even know how I really felt about him.

"Al!" The voice was coming closer, and I tore my eyes away from him. Two boys and a girl were jogging towards us. I recognized them; they were Al's closest Ravenclaw friends, the ones he always hung out with. Kevin Corner (my former crush), Steve Boot and Abbey Goldstein.

And from the looks on their faces, it seemed that they'd just caught us snogging.

"Oh, hey guys," Al said, surprised. Or maybe surprise was an understatement. His voice was all low and ragged, and he was still trying to catch his breath. "What're you doing here?"

"Just hanging out," said Kevin, eyeing me. I felt self-conscious all over again. "Al, I thought you were grounded! What are you doing with Mandy Mullens?"

"Uhh." Al raked a hand through his hair. "You know, just -"

"Oh, cut it out, we saw you two," Abbey interrupted, looking curiously at me. "I thought you hated her, Al."

"Well, he obviously doesn't," Steve said, rolling his eyes at her. "Slow today, Abbey?"

"Shut it, Steve." She was piercing me with her gaze, trying to figure me out. Or maybe trying to figure _us _out. "I can't believe you didn't tell us you had a new girlfriend, Al."

Everyone looked to him. Including me.

"It was... a recent development," Al said slowly, shooting my glance that clearly said _play_ _along_. Did I want to?

"Well, you'll have to bring her around!" Kevin grinned at Steve and Abbey. "I'm sure everyone would love hearing how you're dating the girl next door. Sorry, _boy_ next door."

My anger flared. "I am _not_ a boy -"

"Al, we need another person for the ride!" Abbey interrupted, as though she hadn't heard me. To Al's horror - and it was quite clear on his face - she was pointing to that ride James was talking about it. And Abbey was looking expectantly at him.

Al quickly cleared his throat and shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

My jaw dropped.

Abbey turned to me, as though she'd only noticed I was there. "Oh, _Mandy_, you should come too. I'm sure Steve wouldn't mind sitting this one out."

He shrugged, flicking back his dark hair. "Nah, I hate heights."

Al tensed beside me as Abbey clapped her hands together. "Perfect! Come on, it looks like a great ride." She began to lead the way towards the ride, Kevin and Steve following closely behind. Without looking at me, Al slipped his hand in mine and began to pull me along with him.

Just like that.

And trust me when I say that _nothing_ was making sense anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

I'm not that girl.

And when I say 'that girl', I mean the girl who's asked out every time there's a Hogsmeade weekend. I'm not that girl who'll kiss on the first date (or even the second). I'm not the kind of girl who centres her entire existence on one boy - probably because I haven't found that person yet. I'm not that girl who makes out with their ex-best friend in the middle of a water park because he wanted to _'try something'_.

But suddenly, I had become her. For a second.

Which was strange. I'd never felt like that before. I'd never felt the need to furiously snog this boy who I didn't have feelings for - or even _questioning_ feelings for. I'd only ever kissed someone twice before, and that was because I'd been going out with this guy in fourth year for about a month and really liked him. Then he dumped me because some stupid blonde in Hufflepuff took her wand out of her ass and agreed to go out with him.

Then, of course, my crush. Kevin Corner. Snogged me on a dare.

Yeah, you could say I was lacking in experience - but I didn't give a shit. That sort of thing never really mattered to me because I didn't see the point in worrying about something so pointless.

But the thing was that I'd never felt so self-conscious in front of a boy before. Yeah, when I dated Daniel Thomas, I got a little nervous and stuff, but he never made me feel like I was so _naked_. Not like Al did.

Granted, I was half-naked. But that's not really the point.

I just didn't really understand why he made me doubt myself. He never used to.

That was honestly what I was thinking as Al more or less dragged me over to the huge spider ride. It was rather surprising that he was the one who took me there, helped me in one of the tubes and strapped me in. I think I was in shock.

Until Al splashed me with water from the pool.

"Snap out of it," he hissed as I blinked the chlorine out of my eyes. "The ride's starting."

I took a couple of deep breaths and the tower began to spin us around, moving upwards. Normally, I'd be excited for this - it really was a great ride - but nothing about it was thrilling. Al was gripping my hand tightly, staring at the sky determinedly.

"Al," I said softly, shifting closer to him. "Breathe, okay? You're completely safe."

"Fuck," he said under his breath. He clenched his eyes shut. "I think I'm going to throw up."

"_Breathe._"

"Stop telling me that!"

"Calm down before I slap you."

He took some deeper breaths, his face slacking a little. We were reaching the top of the tower, still spinning faster now. His hand clenched onto mine as though he was clinging to a lifeline. Did he trust me?

More than he should trust Abbey, anyway.

Then we suddenly dropped, fifty feet hurtling towards the pool of water below us, spinning in circles. I heard screaming from the other tubes, and although I _loved_ screaming on these rides (what? It's fun), I did my best to stay silent, so Al didn't freak out too much.

I wasn't sure why, in all honesty. Did he even deserve my comfort? He just... I didn't know what was going on with him, with the snogging, then with his friends, but... he was my friend. I knew that we were friends. And friends comforted each other when they're scared of heights and panicking.

When he splashed into the pool and emerged a few seconds later, Al was breathing properly again, relieved. And not throwing up on me. I wrenched my hand out of his and tried to make sense of things before Al's friends came again.

"We need to talk," I said firmly as we stepped out of the tube. He looked in my eyes for the first time since we were snogging, and something softened. He nodded.

"That was awesome!" Kevin shouted as he came up to us. Abbey was following slightly behind, grinning widely. "We should go again!"

"You go ahead," Al told them, grabbing my hand again. "I need to talk to Mandy about something." Without waiting for their answer, he tugged me away from them.

"I think we can talk here," Al said, stopping at a far enough distance from his friends and craning his neck to check. I immediately took my hand from his and placed it on my hips.

"Okay, Al, you'd better explain yourself."

"Explain what, exactly?"

"Why you _kissed_ me?" He flinched slightly, but other than that, his expression remained stoic. Unconcerned. While mine was probably a billion shades of Guilty Red.

"Right, that," he muttered, looking down to the ground.

"Yeah, _that_."

"Well, at least I asked permission," he retorted, scowling. "It's not like I just snogged you out of the blue -"

"Well you asked out of the blue," I pointed out, "and I never _gave_ you permission!"

"Like you needed to, it was written all over your face!"

"It was not!" I shouted, my face flaming. "Al, you're just avoiding the question!"

"Am not!"

"Then tell me," I said, stepping forwards, stepping _closer_, and yeah, that was a really bad idea. Al's eyes went wide as I leaned up on the tips of my toes, letting my nose brush his. Hey, people did it in all the movies. "Why. Did. You. Kiss. Me."

He exhaled, and I felt his breath against my lips. "I saw them coming."

I leaned back. "Saw _who_ coming?"

"My friends." He turned, gesturing vaguely to the ride. "You know. Abbey. Kevin. Steve. I saw them coming."

"So you kissed me?"

"How else am I supposed to explain you?"

I felt that blow to my chest. Like the chlorine water in the pools had filled my lungs, drowning me in a wave of shock. And then pain. Not a lot, just like a dull punching to my worn out chest - because funnily enough, I was used to Al hurting me.

But not like _this._

"You need to explain me," I said, my voice wavering. I looked past him. I couldn't even look at him in the eyes anymore. I swallowed. "You need to explain me as your girlfriend. Not your friend."

He snorted. "They'd never believe we were friends."

"But they'd believe I'm your girlfriend?"

"Well, that they can physically see, if you know what I mean," he explained. I crossed my arms, trying not to remember the feel of his lips and how it felt so warm and intense. And how it didn't mean anything.

I wasn't even sure if I _wanted_ it to mean anything.

I mean, look at the facts. We were close growing up. We were Sorted into separate houses and drifted apart. We spent years picking on each other (okay, mostly him picking on me). We were friends for less than a week. And trust me, when we were snogging, I wasn't feeling any of the usual crush feelings.

Ugh, this is so girly.

NO. BUTTERFLIES.

It was tingly and warm and made my head spin, but where were the fucking butterflies? That was, by definition, the number one symptom of a crush. I believed in it - hell, I still felt it when I saw Kevin earlier. But not with Al.

So... that meant I didn't like him... right?

"I don't want to be your girlfriend," I told him, deciding on the spot. He didn't even look surprised.

"I was wondering if you could do me that favour."

"No."

"Fake girlfriend," he clarified, glancing back at the ride. "They've already seen us snogging, anyway. They're entirely convinced."

"I'm not convinced," I grumbled.

"Do me a favour, Mandy?" he asked, suddenly looking very anxious. "As a friend. We're friends, right?"

"I'm debating at this point."

"We're friends," he insisted. "And I'm asking you, as a friend, to be my fake girlfriend. Just in front of my friends. That's it."

I looked at him skeptically. Al wanted me to be his fake girlfriend simply to _explain_ me? Was he that ashamed of me? Because if he was, it didn't seem logical that he would kiss me. It actually seemed more logical to pretend to still be enemies bumping into each other. Instead, he would've started arguing with me, and honestly, as a friend, I might've argued back. Just that once, for him.

But he kissed me.

"There's something else," I said, shaking my head. "You're hiding something."

He shrugged. "I'm not."

"You are," I said, narrowing my eyes. "I know you don't want to be my boyfriend, and your friends clearly don't give a shit about us being together. What's your motive, Al?"

He swallowed, suddenly becoming very interested in his hands.

Busted.

"Well," he said, as though he were considering his words carefully. "I realize that girls tend to get jealous. You know, if they see a guy with someone else."

"I'm not following."

"Err..." He glanced back at the ride. "Abbey and I broke up a while ago. And she's dating Kevin now, so..."

I couldn't believe my ears.

"You want to make her _jealous_?"

He nodded. "Yeah, sort of."

"Why the hell should I agree to that?"

"Because you're curious." His smirk from long ago was back, and I didn't like it. It was as though he'd figured something out. He stepped closer. "Because you're Mandy Mullens, you like adventure and you want to know what we've been doing."

My jaw clenched.

Damn. _Him._

"I wouldn't have remembered that if you hadn't brought it up," I muttered.

"Come on, don't you want to know?" he goaded, already triumphant. He somehow _knew_ me, knew that I couldn't stand not having something once it was within reach. "You just have to pretend to tolerate me, and you can know what we've been doing all summer. My _adventure_."

I wanted to wring his neck.

"I do tolerate you," I said, stalling. I thought back to my plans for the summer - _nada. _Camping in a couple of weeks, Nell staying over, then back to Hogwarts. No trace of an adventure in sight.

Until now.

"You'll tell me everything," I confirmed, burning with curiosity. "No secrets."

"No secrets," he repeated.

"And I just have to snog you and hold your hand."

"Pretty much."

"Deal," I said, wincing as I said it. I knew this was such a bad idea, but I couldn't help it - I just _had_ to know. I held out my hand, only to have him shake it before pulling me towards him. He swooped down and kissed me, _hard._

Still no butterflies. No feelings.

How bad could this be?

"Hey guys," Al said, and I turned around to see Abbey, Kevin and Steve. Sure enough, Abbey and Kevin were holding hands. How did I miss that?

"We're going to head home," Steve said, giving me a look that made me want to hide behind Al. "Come by later, though. We want to get to know your new girlfriend."

"She has a name, you know."

"We'll come by," Al promised, squeezing my hand. I rolled my eyes. "We're here with our families, but we can ditch them."

"See you later, Al," Abbey said as they walked away. Al began pulling me in the direction of the beach, where our parents were.

"I think you have to _pretend_ to like me," Al mumbled out of the corner of his mouth, looking over his shoulder to make sure his friends were out of earshot. "They're going to find out if you look like you want to murder me with your eyes."

"I wasn't _that_ bad," I said irritably. "Anyway, I don't want to leave yet."

He shot me a look. "Mandy!"

"What? I still want to find that submarine ride!"

"You've got to be kidding me," he growled. I jumped as my feet went from asphalt to hot sand. Al didn't seem to notice. "I thought you wanted an adventure."

"Oi, I happen to love water parks."

"You're such a -"

"Oh," I said shortly, cutting him off. We'd reached the blanket where our familes were seated, staring at us with dropped jaws. I slowly followed their line of sight to Al and I - and our linked hands.

Oops.

* * *

_How to Survive Parental Interrogation _by Mandy Mullens:

Step one: as the shocked stares turn into either a) more shocked stares, b) rage or c) confused questions, STAY CALM. Taking deep breaths help, too.

Step two: act as though they should already know the new information. Even if, _especially _if, you're in the wrong. Sometimes you can make them doubt their intention of busting you.

Step three: pretend like you're listening. Don't argue with their logic. Pretend as if you actually understand what you did "wrong".

Step four: accept any form of punishment right on the spot, even if it's unfair. Most of the time, parents will be impressed by your maturity (pshhh) and let you off easy, or early.

Unfortunately, I didn't follow _any_ of those rules.

My parental interrogation rules were for when I got in trouble for breaking curfew or accidentally forgetting to tell them about my sucky grade (it was History of Magic. Big whoop) or forgetting I had to pick my sister up from dance class. They _could've_ been applied to when they catch one holding hands with one's ex-best-friend-turned-friend-turned-fake-boyfriend, but instead... I panicked.

I'm an idiot.

"This isn't what it looks like," I stammered, wrenching my hand from Al's.

"We weren't holding hands," Al added nervously.

"We're not dating."

"We didn't do anything_._"

"We didn't snog, I swear!"

At that one, Al slapped a hand to his forehead as our families burst into laughter. My face, no, my _body_ burned red from humiliation.

I mean, _really_? Way to keep a secret, Mandy.

"Way to go," Al groaned, grabbing my hand and pulling me down onto the large blanket. I quickly snatched my hand back, unable to look him in the eye. He was quite unhappy with me. "I thought you were good at lying!"

"I am, usually!" I retorted, ignoring Victor's sniggers. "I just -"

"What good are you if you can't lie under pressure?"

"Like you're any better!" I burst back, becoming more and more flustered. Besides, our families were both gaping at us, laughing and just plain _watching_ us argue about... lying to our parents. _In front of our parents._ Granted, I'm usually good at lying because I don't have much to lie about.

But Al doesn't have to know that.

"Guys, don't worry," Lily cut in, ignoring Al and my exchanging of fierce glares, "we've been waiting for you guys to start dating for like, six years."

I paled. "Six years?" I was pretty sure we'd hated each other until about a week ago.

"It's fine if you start dating," Mum told me, looking back at Dad who was, funnily enough, _still_ sleeping. She shook her head, smiling. "Dad said you can date when you're seventeen. You don't have to hide it."

I faltered. She thought I was hiding it because of _Dad_? "No, actually, we're not -"

"- going to keep a secret anymore!" Al interrupted me hastily, grabbing my hand. I scowled and opened my mouth to demand _what_ he was talking about, but he quickly planted a kiss on my cheek. Again: _in front of our parents._

Well, that shut me up.

"Cute," Lily remarked, smirking at us.

I felt the urge to snatch my hand back again, but I resisted until I could find out why we had to be a couple in front of our families, too. It was especially difficult when he squeezed my hand. _Get it off, get it off, get it off._

"So you won't mind if I take Mandy out tonight?" Al asked, ignoring Lily and focusing on his mum.

She shrugged. "Why not?"

Oh, so _that's _why we need to be a couple all the time. So we can go see his friends, and help him make Abbey jealous. Not to mention _finally_ finding out what Al is so damn condescending about all the time.

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Potter continued, speaking to me this time.

I cleared my throat. "Errr... dinner, I guess."

"And a movie," Al added.

"And Al's paying?" Lily asked, chuckling. "I thought you blew all your money."

"I've got some left over," he snapped.

"I'm sure he does," Mrs. Potter said gently, smiling at me. She seemed so different from when she was yelling at Al that morning when he was grounded, I could hardly believe they were the same person. I mean, she was even sticking up for him.

"Can't wait," Al said to me, quietly - but loud enough for everyone to hear it. And the way he was squeezing my hand and looking at me so intently, a light smile softening his features... if I were overlooking it, I would've believed him.

But I didn't.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

I swear, half the time, I end up staring in my tiny closet and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to wear. If it's a super fancy event, I (reluctantly) steal one of Addie's dresses for the night. For dinner parties, I usually win this argument with my parents, but on the _very rare occasion_ that I lose, I end up wearing one of the two skirts I own. I don't see why I can't just wear sweatpants everywhere I go, and I had a feeling that they weren't included in date attire.

Seriously, though, pants are overrated.

But the problem was that this wasn't just a _date_. In fact, it wasn't even a real date; we just had to convince our parents it was one. What was I supposed to wear in front of Al's friends? I just had a feeling it wasn't going to be the same as hanging out with my own friends.

I gave up and crawled out my window, quickly heading over to Al's room. As I approached, I could see though the window that Al was also dressing - in fact, he was half-naked again, only wearing a pair of jeans. Al was definitely more attractive when he was wet.

But seriously, how did the bookworm _build_ that chest?

I rapped on his window and he jumped, spinning around. He scowled upon seeing me, but opened the window, anyway.

"Couldn't wait?" he grumbled, standing back to let me in his room. "What do you want?"

I shrugged, suddenly self-conscious again. "What do I wear?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"How am I supposed to know?" he said, beginning to laugh. I wrapped my arms around myself as he shifted through his closet and pulled out a t-shirt. "I don't know anything about girl's clothes."

"You have a sister, don't you?"

"Doesn't mean I've suddenly acquired fashion sense," he said, laughing. He reached for a button-up shirt to put it on; I noticed he was dressed reasonably casually. "Come on, I'll help."

"You have to cross the gap between our houses," I said, smirking at him. He rolled his eyes and followed me out the window. He had to take my hand again, but he was definitely less flustered than before.

It went away when he saw my closet.

"Sheesh," I muttered as Al began to bend over, shaking hard with silent laughter. "My closet is practically a comedy routine."

"Mandy, your closet looks like mine," he pointed out. "Would it kill you to dress like a girl?"

"All these clothes are from the girl's section. Except for my gym shorts."

Al shook his head and sat on my bed, looking around my room. I suddenly realized this was the first time he'd been there since we were eleven, and honestly, not much had changed. My walls were still blue. I had pictures of the sky on the walls. My bookshelf was overflowing with books, and my trunk was sticking out from under my bed. I wasn't messy, but I wasn't quite _neat_, either.

I sighed and turned back to my closet. I wasn't even sure if I was excited anymore. Hanging out with Al was like hugging a cactus. "Are you going to help me or not?"

Al shrugged. "I told you, I'm no good at this. Abbey usually wears these fancy shirts, do you have any of those?"

I bit my lip. "I don't know."

"I suggest you'd look, unless you want to wear a skirt or something."

"Merlin forbid," I said, hiding my grin and searching through my clothes. I came across that tank top that my mum had made me wear a week ago, when the Potters came over for dinner. I shoved it in Al's face. "Got this in your closet?"

"Yes, I wear frills on a daily basis," he deadpanned, pushing it back to me. "Abbey always wears skinny jeans."

"Does she?" I said absent-mindedly, looking through my closet again.

"They make her butt look great," he said nonchalantly. I immediately tensed.

Was he staring at mine?

I quickly pulled some of my non-skinny jeans from my closet and turned around, hoping my face wasn't as red as it felt. "You really shouldn't talk about girls like that," I mumbled, hugging my clothes close to my chest.

"Why not?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. I had to stare at him, just to see if he was serious. And he was, unfortunately.

"It's not very nice," I said, and I think Al understood the finality in my tone. "I'm going to change."

"All right," he said, stretching back against my pillows, putting his hands behind his head. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he raised one back, not even trying to hide his smirk. "Go on."

"Get out," I demanded, narrowing my eyes.

"Fine, fine," he said cheerfully. More cheerful than I'd ever seen him. "I'll be at your front door in about ten minutes."

"Okay," I said softly, watching as he climbed out of my room and went back towards his room. As soon as he was out of sight, I dropped my clothes on my bed, shut the window, locked it and closed the blinds.

Just precautionary measures.

* * *

Al pretty much charmed the pants off my parents.

I'm serious. You never would've known that this was the same boy who was making derogatory comments towards girls just ten minutes before, or even that he was the one who picked on me for the last six years. He was so sweet in front of them, promising I'd be home by twelve and complimenting me on my clothes. The same ones he'd made fun of.

The boy could act when he wanted to, that was for sure.

As soon as the door shut behind us, he dropped the act entirely. His customary I-don't-care-about-anything expression was back. I had come to really resent it, in all honesty.

"So, how are we getting there?" I asked as we walked along my driveway. "Floo?"

"Side-along apparation," he replied tersely, dropping my hand. For some reason, he was staring at my parents' car with a sort-of wistful look. "When did you learn to drive?"

"Erm." I shrugged, a little caught off guard. "Last summer, when I turned sixteen. My dad taught me."

"Oh."

"Why?"

"My dad doesn't have time," he admitted. He didn't meet my eyes - in fact, he seemed determined to avoid them. "Can you teach me?"

Merlin, he reminded me so much of his eleven-year-old self just then.

"Sure," I said, smiling to myself. "If you want to teach me apparation."

His lips twitched. "Okay."

"I'm pretty bad at it."

"I'm sure I'll manage," he said, grabbing my arm. Without even a split-second warning, he twisted around and we were hurtling through the enclosed space - and then, suddenly in an apartment lobby.

I _hated_ apparation.

Al grabbed my hand and led me down a narrow hallway and up the stairs. It was one of those apartment complexes in which each floor was its own apartment, and apparently Kevin's was at the very top. On the fifth floor.

As we climbed the wooden stairs, I could vaguely hear music. By the fourth floor, it was reasonably louder, and I hoped the neighbours wouldn't mind, but Al seemed pretty unconcerned. In fact, as we reached the fifth floor, he didn't bother to knock; he just kicked off his shoes and dragged me inside.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. Like cigarettes, but... weird. The place was pretty small, dimly lit and honestly a little disgusting. I looked to the right as Al shut the door, down another narrow hallway to a couple of bedrooms and a bathroom. To the left, where most of the people seemed to be, was a larger living room and kitchen.

Then I noticed the people. The ones that were hobbling around, sprawled across the floor, sitting on the couches, hopping on the counters. Cups seemed to be everywhere, most people were smoking and _everyone_ has inebriated.

Al slung his arm over my shoulder, smirking. "Welcome to my world."

* * *

When Al was younger, he was shy. And when I say shy, I mean he was that kid who hid behind his mother whenever he didn't know somebody. It was an extreme, in all honesty. When we went to muggle school together to learn how to read and write, he pretty much stuck by my side for the first couple of months before opening up a bit. It's probably why we become such good friends: I was the only one he knew.

I couldn't see how that boy grew up and was offering me a cigarette.

I took it my hand, turning over the white stick. Cancer stick. Death stick. It had so many negative names, and in all honestly, I wasn't sure which one to believe. Al had taken his own cigarette and led me over to the corner, where Kevin, Abbey, Steve and another guy I didn't know were seated on the wrap-around couch.

"Hey, you made it!" Abbey exclaimed as we sat down beside them. "Mandy, you look great."

I managed a weak smile. My mind felt hazy, like I was the smoke in the air. I couldn't think properly or wrap my head around what this was, exactly. Was it a party? It didn't seem like one, mostly because there weren't enough people. But there were quite a few of them.

"Well, now you know," Al said smugly, wrapping his arm around my waist. "I guess you could call this our hangout."

"Your hangout," I said numbly, unable to take it in.

"Yeah, these are our friends."

"You guys have a lot of friends," I commented, and Kevin laughed.

"Not everyone is a witch or wizard," he told me, "so don't use your wand." He passed the lighter to Abbey, who lit her own cigarette and held the flame for Al. He lit his cigarette and inhaled deeply.

Abbey held the lighter for me. I was frozen.

Al laughed at the look on my face and took the lighter from her. "I think it might be Mandy's first time smoking, guys."

"That's cute," Abbey said, chuckling.

"Innocent, huh?" Steve said, speaking for the first time since I'd gotten there. I had the impression he didn't say much. He grinned at me from his place on the floor and put a hand on my knee. I had the strong urge to shake it off. "Maybe we'll leave the weed for next time."

Al and his friends laughed again, and I wanted to shrink into the couch.

"Here," Al said gently, turning to me. "I'm going to light the end, and you just have to stick the other end in your mouth and inhale."

I merely stared at him.

"Snap out of it," he said playfully. He seemed so relaxed in comparison to how he had been all week. He kissed my cheek and I blinked, shaking my head to clear it - only to find myself staring at the cigarette in my hand.

"It's amazing," Kevin said in a tone I assumed was reassuring. "Trust me."

I glanced to Al. "I dunno."

"Can't believe I went a week without this," Al admitted, unashamed. He flicked the lighter so the flame appeared again and held it in front of me. "Come on, it's not going to hurt you."

I took a deep breath. I felt like I couldn't think. There was something horribly wrong with this picture, but everything was just closing in on me, squeezing me into that corner. Honestly, I was almost scared of what they would do to me if I didn't try it.

And I loved that.

I held up the tip of the cigarette to the flame; it lit and frayed immediately, a stream of smoke escaping from the tip. With another reassuring glance from Al, I put the cigarette to my lips and inhaled.

Al and his friends burst into laughter as I coughed out the fumes. The cigarette taste was filling my mouth, and I wasn't sure if I liked it. It was dirty. Bitter and strong, almost like coffee. I was becoming more and more lightheaded, my limbs numbing a little.

"Okay, guys, show's over," Al said, chuckling and pulling me up. "We're going to get drinks."

"I don't drink," I muttered to him as we headed to the kitchen.

"You don't smoke, either," he pointed out, smirking. I blushed. He opened the fridge and brought a can onto the counter. "You probably should keep smoking that."

I looked at the still-lit cigarette in my hand. "I don't really want to anymore."

"Wuss."

I narrowed my eyes and took another drag. For some reason, Al looked pleased.

"So you've never done any of this," he said, opening the can. "I mean, you've never even drank?"

"I've had Butterbeer," I said feebly, and he laughed.

"Doesn't count."

"I've been to a party," I said defensively.

"This isn't a party," he told me, handing me a plastic cup half-filled with beer. "Kevin just met a lot of muggle people around here, and they just keep coming over."

"This happens every night?"

He shrugged and put out his cigarette on a dish. I did the same. "Not _every_ night, but pretty often. Kevin's pretty laid back about that stuff." I followed him back into the living room, nearly bumping into him as he froze.

"Err, let's go over here," he mumbled, dragging me over. I looked back to the corner; Steve and the other guy had left, and Abbey and Kevin were wrapped up in each other, kissing fiercely.

Al pulled me into the couch on the other side of the room, and I nearly spilled the beer. He didn't seem to notice; he was busy staring determinedly into his cup. Then he took a long swing, draining it.

"Sorry," I said gently, gesturing to his friends with a nod of my head. "Must suck."

"I guess." He exhaled loudly and pulled me closer, so I was practically on his lap. "Are you going to drink that?"

"Maybe next time," I said, and he downed my drink, too.

"Steve's going to get you to try weed next time."

"He creeps me out," I admitted, and Al laughed. "He does! Why are you friends with him?"

"He's not so bad, trust me."

"Kevin's much better."

"Only because you fancied him," he retorted, shaking his head. "You know, it's not that hard to get his attention. You could've gone out with him a long time ago."

"What do you mean?"

"He'll go out with anyone who'll sleep with him."

I blushed deeply at this, and moved slightly off Al's lap as I began to stammer. "You know I'm not that kind of person."

"Yeah, your brother's girlfriend is more like that," he said, sniggering.

"And Abbey." He suddenly fell silent, eyes going back to Kevin and Abbey, still snogging in the corner.

"I guess so."

Something inside of me twinged in annoyance. "Why do you like her?"

He didn't answer, but threw his cup onto the floor and grasped my hips. With a squeak, I fell into him, gripping at his torso as an attempt to steady myself. He smirked at me. I could only stare.

I was just about a hundred percent sure I wasn't thinking straight or clearly, and I couldn't figure out why. Was it the smoking? Why did I try that? I knew it was bad for me, but I just... did it anyway. And I knew I'd do it again.

Maybe it was the rush of knowing something is _wrong_ and doing it anyway. The weird feeling when your heart is beating wildly out of your chest, everything so uncomfortable and out of your control but _freeing_, in a way.

And I loved that feeling. It's what I craved.

So maybe that's why I was ignoring the nagging voice in the back of my head when Al handed me that cigarette, when just then, he was leaning in to kiss me and try to make Abbey jealous. I didn't want to hear about how cigarettes were bad for me. I didn't want to hear about how this was a big mistake and I shouldn't let Al use me for this strange, exhilarating rush.

His lips more or less slammed onto mine. I nearly jumped back from the force as he pinned me to the arm of the couch, moving his mouth quickly over mine and deepening the kiss. I could barely keep up; he tasted like the cheap beer and cigarettes, but I sucked it up and kissed him back. I mean, I promised. I was going to at least _try_ to help him with his stupid love life.

That is, until he pulled back.

"Stop, Mandy," he groaned, his face still only inches away. "You're fucking awful at this."

My jaw dropped.

He shifted, slipping a hand behind my neck. His breath was brushing softly against my lips, but I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't breathe. "How many guys have you kissed?"

"I..." I wanted to punch him, and burst into tears of humiliation. All at once.

"Not many, I'm guessing." I felt his hand reach to my ponytail and pull at my rubber band to let my hair free. He pressed a softer kiss to my open mouth. "Am I right?"

"No," I lied, my voice quiet and wavering. I didn't think I was this bad. I really didn't. I mean, I couldn't have been amazing, but...

He smoothed out my hair and pressed his body up against mine. I was in actual _shock._ Why was I letting him treat me like this? He just insulted me, and all I could do is let him keep touching me. The nagging voice was back, and I wasn't ignoring it this time.

_Am I really that bad at this?_

"Okay," he whispered. I felt his hand on the skin of my hip. Under my shirt. _Holy Merlin. _"We'll start slower. Less teeth."

"I wasn't using teeth," I whispered defiantly, narrowing my eyes. And just when I was beginning to feel like myself again and tell him off, he starting kissing me again. Slower, like he was convincing me to stay.

And fuck, it was working.

But it felt wrong. My mind was racing. I wanted to do this right this time. I _wasn't_ that bad at this, I knew I wasn't, but suddenly I didn't have a clue to what I was doing. What did I do with my hands before? How was I even _using_ teeth? Were my eyes even closed?!

"Less tongue," he muttered in between kisses. "Also, it would be nice if you kissed me back."

Kiss him back.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DO WITH MY HANDS.

I let my hands slowly wind around the back of his neck, and as carefully as I could, I pressed myself back up against him. Al immediately began kissing me more frantically, and I finally closed my eyes.

When we broke away sometime, he was grinning. Smirking. Smug. I couldn't even tell anymore, and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay close to him, because he was only person I was even close to trusting in this place, but I wanted to run far away. He made me feel so small, and I could barely stand it.

"Mandy?" he said quietly, still panting a little. I pushed myself off his lap in the tiny space between him and the end of the couch, still refusing to look him in the eyes. He must have noticed, because he was peering at me. "You okay?"

I nodded, standing. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._ "I want to go home."

"Are you sure?" he asked, standing and cupping my face. I nodded again and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, kissing my forehead. For some reason, it felt more intimate than the snogging we'd just done.

"I didn't mean it," he whispered.

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. _"What?"

"You know." He kissed my nose. "Come on, we still have some time. We'll stop for food before I take you home." I took a deep breath and accepted his outstretched hand.

I didn't know what was coming over me. Whether it was the fumes and drugs around the apartment, or misplaced judgement from snogging someone for so long... I was just going along with what Al said. Taking his shit. And I didn't know _why._

But I had a feeling it was because I kept seeing glimpses of my best friend.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

I wasn't sure what to make of it all.

I'd waited outside for a few minutes as Al finished up with his friends. As soon as I was out of there, breathing in the fresh air, it was as though my mind had cleared. I realized that I'd just entered a scene my parents had always advised against - but I didn't quite know why. I'd tried a cigarette.

And I wanted to do it again.

And as Al and I ate at a diner afterwards, I couldn't help thinking about what he said in between snogging, and how he was just fine at the diner. He was smiling and relaxed, making jokes and making sure I liked the food. I'd had a good time, in the end.

So maybe he was right. About the kissing.

Within the next week, I went a few more times to Kevin's apartment. And again. All I'd done so far was smoke, and I think I was okay with that. Smoking was very strange. It was like almost like something had spread muscle relaxant everywhere. My limbs went numb and my mind became eerily calm. Like an Imperius curse. I didn't have to think for myself.

It was addicting, and the rush was slowly going away. I wanted more. And if I wanted more, I had to keep trying to make Abbey jealous - which, by the way, wasn't really working. Still, Al tried, becoming more and more frustrated as he taught me how to kiss, only have Abbey congratulate him when she caught Al and I snogging furiously.

"Reading?"

I was broken out of my thoughts and found James sitting next to me. I gave him a small wave and closed my book.

"How'd you find me?" I asked curiously. Not that I didn't like James - I did. He always acted a bit more like an older brother than Victor did, and he was the one who invited me to play games when Victor decided to kick me out.

I _did_like James, but I'd kind of been hiding out on purpose. I'd grabbed my book and snuggled myself at the side of my backyard, opposite side from the Potters, on the small decline. Usually nobody could see me if they didn't look carefully enough, and I was counting on that.

Hey, Eleni got annoying sometimes.

"I just spotted you," he said, turning over on his stomach and stretching out on the grass. He laid his head in his arms before looking at me. "You guys need to cut your grass."

"Makes for a better pillow," I joked. "Don't remind my parents, they'll make me do it."

"Right," he said, laughing. But I noticed there wasn't something quite right about it - like it didn't reach his eyes.

I reached over to give him an awkward sidewards hug. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged. "How's it going with Al?"

"Umm..." I was suddenly struck with a horrible thought: was James sad because of Al and I? Did James like me? But he was like a brother to me. My face flamed with the thought. "Good."

"That's a relief," he said, not looking at me. He was peering over the tiny hill instead. "I'm kind of worried about him."

"Why?"

"He's not acting like himself." He sighed began picking at the grass, pulling it out and tearing it into pieces. "He's still getting amazing grades and reading like a maniac, but he's acting different. He snaps at everyone. He made Lily cry a couple of times by accident."

"He made _Lily_cry?"

"I know," he agreed, nodding. "Lily's the toughest girl I know, but as soon as she and Al finish arguing, she's burst into tears a few times."

"Wow." I traced the designs on the cover of my book. "I never imagined Al could be so mean. I wouldn't have believed you if I hadn't seen it myself."

"He's mean to _you_?"

I nodded, smiling sadly. "I've really missed him, and now he's back, but he's not the same."

This time, James was the one who reached over to pull me against his side. I'd never been super-close to James, but after you live beside someone for your entire life, you get to know them. And I liked this side of James. I didn't see it often.

"Is there anything else bothering you?" I asked quietly.

James exhaled loudly, dropping his shredded pieces of grass. His jaw was clenched and he suddenly seemed a little nervous - which, of course, made _me_nervous. He turned to me, determined. "Mandy, I need to tell you something."

"Okay," I said, surprised.

"Because I think you're someone who wouldn't run away screaming. Or wouldn't judge me."

"Now I'm scared."

He chuckled, propping himself up on his elbows. I suddenly noticed the bags around his eyes, how his shoulders slumped as he looked down to his hands. James was that person who was so happy and mischievous, but just then, he seemed so inexplicably sad. I wished I could make it better.

When he spoke, his voice was low and dejected. "Mandy, I think I'm in love with your brother."

Well.

This changes things.

I tried to conceal my shock, but I didn't do too well. James was gay? And in love with _Victor_? These were the boys who'd grown up together - they were practically twins. Unfortunately, I could tell that James was dead serious.

I leaned my head on his shoulder. I was almost guilty for the relief flooding through me - _he didn't like me. _"I guess you figured out that Victor's straight."

"He's only ever dated girls," he agreed sadly. I thought James may had been slightly in denial, but deep down, he knew that Victor couldn't return his feelings.

"How long have you known?"

"Last year." He chuckled to himself. "It's how I figured out I was gay."

"How exactly did you know?" I asked, leaning back to look at him. "What triggered it? you're not exactly a stereotype, if you know what I mean."

He frowned. "Stereotypes are bullshit. Being gay has nothing to do with fashion sense or the way you act. I just realized the real reason I wasn't attracted to girls, and nothing else about me changed."

"I didn't mean it that was," I said hastily. I was worried I'd offended him. "I just meant... I never would have guessed."

"It's okay," he reassured me, mussing up my hair. I stuck my tongue out at him. "I know society has fucked up ways of talking about people. Girls are sex objects. Lesbians are like female boys. Straight boys are _manly_- whatever that means - and the gay ones are flamboyant." The bitter tone in his voice blended with the sadness, and I could tell it was something he thought about a lot. And it bothered him.

"I guess that's the way society looks at people," I said quietly.

He gave me another small smile. "Have you ever thought about it?"

"About what?"

"Whether you're gay."

"Umm..." I struggled with this. Being gay wasn't a bad thing, not at all - but it was usually complicated.

"Sort of," I decided. "Sort of. I haven't really thought it through. I've never been attracted to girls."

"Fair enough."

"So how did you figure out you're gay?" I asked, poking him teasingly. "Did you jump my brother?"

He laughed loudly at that one. "No, of course not. He doesn't know."

I was stunned. "You guys tell each other everything."

"I'm afraid to tell him," James admitted.

"But you told _me_?"

"You're a very understanding person," he pointed out casually.

"But..."

"I think my mum's figured it out," he said, glancing towards his house. "I'll tell her next. Then Lily. Then Dad. Then Al -"

"Then Victor," I interrupted. James opened his mouth, but I smashed a hand against it. "No. I know you guys are moving in together, and you need to tell him the truth. Right?" He nodded and I removed my hand. "Good."

He chuckled. "Thanks, Mandy."

"Don't 'thanks, Mandy' me." I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "Tell me how you found out."

"Found out what?"

"That you're in _luuurve._"

He laughed, beginning to blush a deep red. It was so adorable. "Maybe it was the dormitory."

I suddenly regretted asking. What was I _thinking_? I sat up and covered my ears. "Never mind."

"Or the Quidditch change rooms."

"STOP."

"Or the showers."

"THIS IS MY BROTHER."

"I love you, Mandy," he said, almost giddily as he sat up and engulfed me in a hug. I smiled and hugged him back. He looked like he really needed it. "Thank you."

"Anytime," I said, meaning it.

"I think Al's spotted us," he said, looking over my head towards his own backyard. "Look, if Al ever says anything horrible to you, just tell me."

"Thanks, James," I said gratefully. He got up, and I noticed his smile falter when he saw Al, who was bounding towards me. He tripped, fell and caught me around the waist as we tumbled down the short decline.

I groaned, trying to move, but our legs were tangled. And Al was on top of me.

Wonderful.

"Hi, Mandy," he said, beaming at me.

"Hi," I said, narrowing my eyes. "Get off."

"No," he said cheerfully, leaning down. He began nuzzling my dark hair. "I want cookies."

"Then go _get _cookies."

"Make them for me."

"What is _with _you?" I demanded, shoving him off of me. He was so much happier than usual, almost anxious. My eyes moved to his; they were red around the edges. "Are you... Al, are you high?"

"Maybe a little," he said, trying to grab me around the waist again, but I shook him off.

"I am so mad at you."

"Why?"

"You said I could try!" I retorted, more than a little pissed off. For some reason, this was something I _really _wanted to try. The real high - not the artificial one, from... I dunno, jumping off the tallest tower at Hogwarts.

Don't worry, I was fine.

I only wish I didn't actually have to smoke weed to get the high.

"I'll let you try if you make me cookies," he bargained. I rolled my eyes.

I got up and headed to the kitchen, Al trailing behind me. Usually, I liked making cookies from scratch, but I kind of just wanted to get him off my back about the damn things. As I got the pre-made dough from the fridge and a rolling pin, I remembered when we used to bake cookies - just Al and I. We'd always end up with flour all over ourselves.

"Remember when we used to - Al, what are you doing?" I asked, watching Al peering into the sink.

"There's a rubber ducky in here!" he said cheerfully, brandishing one of Eleni's elusive toys. She had just about ten of those spread out around the house. He came over and shoved it in my face.

"I see it, I see it!" I said hastily, and he collapsed into another fit of giggles. The next thing I knew, he'd thrown the toy over his shoulder and tackled me from behind, slamming me into the counter.

"I love baking cookies with you," he hummed in my ear, voice relaxed and content. I cleared my throat, trying forget the fact that his arms were trapping me against his body.

His _very nice _body.

"Umm, thanks," I squeaked out.

He dropped his chin on my shoulder. "Talk about something weird, like you always do."

"Umm..." I was sure my face was bright red. I busied myself in spreading chunks of dough on the counter, using the rolling pin to do so. "I... why are you holding me?"

He pulled my ponytail out - he was _always _doing that - and buried his face in my hair. "You're soft."

"_Soft_?"

"And warm," he said contentedly. "And you smell good. Like a teddy bear."

What the fuck.

"Mandymandymandy!" I jumped as my baby sister came running into the kitchen, her tiny feet screeching to a halt when she saw us. Then her eyes turned wide, spotting something much more distracting. "COOKIES!"

"Back off, they're mine," Al mumbled, taking an arm off my waist to pop a bit of raw dough into his mouth. He moaned happily in my ear, and I could feel his chest vibrate.

"Can I have some?" Eleni begged, trying to reach the top of the counter, but she wasn't tall enough. "Please please pleeeease?"

"No," Al replied, and to my surprise, he dropped his mouth to my neck and began sucking on it. Something he'd never done before, much less _in front of my baby sister._

Not to mention he was _high_.

IN FRONT OF MY BABY SISTER.

I quickly broke off a piece of dough for her, trying to shift away from Al, but it wasn't working. Eleni didn't seem to notice; she squealed happily.

"Thank you, Mandy!" she cheered, running away. Then I realized I'd just given her sugar. Crap.

And Al's lips were _still _on my neck.

"What is your problem?" I snapped, trying to turn around. Instead, I'd only managed to allow him to pin me to the counter again, our fronts pressed together. The words died in my throat.

He gave me a goofy smile. "We're baking. And I'm baked."

I sighed. "Al, you're an idiot."

"This is _so _good," he announced, reaching around me for more cookie dough. "The best cookies I've ever had!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Are you going to let me make them?"

"Yes."

"Then go over there," I joked, shoving him away. He giggled as his back hit the cabinet.

"You know what we should do?" he said giddily. "We should drive."

"Not while you're high. Besides, you can apparate," I pointed out, cutting small circles of dough with a cookie cutter. "Remember?"

"Not to places I haven't been." I frowned at this. Did Al want to leave? He'd never mentioned it; whenever I talked about wanting to get out of this small, boring town, he'd just rolled his eyes. Did he want to escape, after all? And why would the _perfect _Prefect want to escape?

My breath hitched as he wrapped his arms around me again. He nuzzled my hair. "Do you remember when we went to the stream, and I caught that frog?"

I smiled. That was ten years ago. "Yeah."

"And then it jumped out of my hands and landed on your head?" he added, beginning to laugh uncontrollably.

"It just loved me more than you," I retorted playfully. "Besides, that was the only time you caught a frog without my help."

"Was not!" he protested in between chuckles.

"Bungee jumping into the lake was fun, too."

"It was horrible," he said loudly. His arms tightened around me, as though he was remembering it. "Worst experience of my life."

"It was awesome."

"Weirdo," he mumbled, smiling against my neck. He began kissing it again, pulling the sleeve of my shirt down so he could kiss my shoulder. I shivered as his hands wandered, down my sides, under my chest, over my abdomen - and lower.

I suddenly shot away from him, my heart beating out of my chest. I was trying to breathe, trying to calm down, trying to make sense of what just happened, and what that sensation was in my stomach.

"Don't do that," I said breathlessly. I didn't care whether he was just doing this because of the weed. Right then, it felt like he was using me in a way I didn't agree to. I couldn't look him in the eyes. "Don't do that."

"Why -"

"Not unless you mean it."

An awkward silence filled the room. I couldn't look at him, and he was staring at me, scrutinizing me. I'd sensed his high was wearing off, and it was becoming more evident, and I wondered if he truly understood what I'd just told him through the haze in his mind. Eventually, he backed away and left.

My heart was still beating wildly in my chest.

Shit, I was in trouble.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

"What does the castle do?"

"The _rook _can only move in a straight line."

"And what about pointy man?"

"That's the bishop, Eleni. And it moves diagonally, like this."

"I can't remember all this!" she exclaimed unhappily, throwing her tiny arms in the air and pouting at me. "Can we please have a tea party?"

"You should learn chess, though!" I encouraged. We were in her room, sitting at the tiny table she usually used for her little tea parties with stuffed animals. Stuffed animals with smaller arses than mine, evidently; I could barely sit in the tiny purple chair.

"I don't wanna learn chess anymore," she insisted. Her head bobbed side to side, black hair flying all over the place. "No more!"

"Okay, okay!" I said hastily, shoving the chess pieces back in the box before she got angry and threw them all over the floor. And trust me, it would be _me _who picked them up. "Go get your tea stuff."

"YAAAAY!"

I chuckled and finished cleaning up the wizard's chess game as she brought her plastic tray of her tea set onto the table. One of Eleni's favourite pastimes was pretending to have tea with her toys. Another one was playing with her dolls and making up stories with them. I was watching her fondly as she set a large, white stuffed bunny on the chair next to me when I heard the front door slam. Hard.

Did we leave that door open _again_?

"Eleni, stay here," I said nervously, getting up and moving towards the hallway. I shut her door quietly and tip toed down the hallway, left and right through the maze of my house, trying to find our intruder. I had barely a second's notice before I saw a flash of red hair, and then someone flying into my arms.

"Holy - Lily, are you okay?"

My little sister's best friend buried her face in my shoulder. "No, he did it again -"

"Who?"

She stiffened and lifted her head. Her face began to match the colour of her hair, and it was covered with tears. "Shit, sorry. I thought you were Addie."

"Really?" I said, a little taken aback. Addie was known as the prettier sister; I didn't think we looked anything alike. I shook my head. "Erm, no. She's around the house somewhere."

"Sorry," she mumbled, clearly embarrassed.

"It's fine," I reassured her before wrapping my arms tightly around her. I don't think I'd ever seen Lily so upset - not even after her infamous breakup with her first boyfriend. It was nerve-wracking to see her like this. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know how to tell you," she mumbled into my shoulder, "but it's my brother. We've been fighting a lot lately."

I tried not to tense. "Al?"

"Yeah..." Lily leaned back and wiped her eyes. "I know he's your boyfriend, but you have to believe me when I say this."

"Say what?"

"He doesn't say very nice things," she said quietly, not looking me in the eye. "I feel like it's just getting worse. I don't even know what I did to him, Mandy, but he just snaps at me so badly, and the _things _he says..." She wrapped her arms around herself, rocking back and forth. "I don't understand what's going on."

I didn't know what to say.

"And what's worse," she added, still not looking at me, "is that James swore he saw Al high the other day."

My eyes widened. _Shit, shit, shit. _"Really?"

"I can't believe it!" she said, shaking her head. "Al's not like that, okay? He doesn't get high - I mean, he drinks sometimes, but he doesn't do _drugs_, and..." She trailed off, and I moved forward to hug her again.

"I'm sorry, Lily," I whispered.

"I want my brother back," she said feebly, her voice dejected and filled with longing.

"I'll go talk to him," I said a little more firmly, holding her back by the shoulders. "Okay, Lils? I'll go talk to him and fix this. I swear. He won't say anything anymore."

"Good luck," she said, sniffing and wiping her eyes. "I'm going to find Addie."

"Okay."

"Thank you, Mandy," she said gratefully, quickly hugging me again. I gave her an encouraging smile as she walked away, and only after she turned the corner did I let it waver.

Talk to Al. My former best friend. I was pretty sure I had _no idea _who he was anymore. But who else knew him better than I did? Who else had he told about his life, and knew the other side of him - the person he was all those years ago?

Why was he turning to this kind of life?

What was _wrong_?

* * *

I'd excused myself from Eleni's tea party to crawl on the roof to Al's room. It was raining, like spitting water from the sky, so it wasn't so bad; still, I paid special attention not to slip as I crawled to his window and peered inside.

He was sitting on the bed, a book in front of him - no surprises there. But it was obvious he wasn't reading it; his head was in his hands, eyes tightly closed. I wouldn't be surprised if Lily didn't know Al was affected by their fight just as much as she was. I realized with a jolt what the biggest difference was between the Al I knew, and the Al I know now.

He'd become _bitter._

I knocked lightly on the window, making him jump. When he saw me, his expression immediately went blank as he unlatched the window and opened it. As I crawled inside, he sat back onto the corner of his bed, not looking at me.

"What do you want," he said tonelessly.

I frowned. Somehow, I just knew I wasn't going to get the answers I wanted by just asking him. After all, who wants to be harassed by questions along the lines of, '_why are you hiding things from your family?'_ and_ 'Why are you being so awful to your sister?'_

And my personal favourite: _what is wrong with you?_

The more I observed him, waiting for an answer from me he didn't care about, the more I realized how right I was. I mean, it was obvious there was something wrong, something he was hiding, but I had never... _realized _it. He masked his pain and bitterness in a cold exterior.

Don't get me wrong; I couldn't _change _him. If Al wanted to be awful, there wasn't anything I could do about that. But I had a tiny inkling that he wasn't quite sure about it all. Tiny bits of his former sweetness that I remembered were there.

So, the question was really '_what's wrong?' _and '_who do you want to be?'_

I cleared my throat. "You want to learn how to drive?"

Whatever he was expecting, it wasn't that; he whipped around to look at me, bright green eyes wide. "Are you serious?"

"Yep."

"It's raining."

"Don't worry about that."

"But..."

"I know a place," I said carefully, giving him a look. Seeing if he could trust me. Seeing if he understood what I was telling him: _let's get out of here._

He got the message loud and clear. Within seconds, he'd grabbed his wallet and jacket, slipped his shoes on and was following me back through the window.

* * *

What I wanted was big, empty parking lot.

Believe it or not, there weren't too many of those you could find near our neighbourhood. The car was silent as I drove - for at least twenty minutes. Maybe I was giving Al a chance to calm down, gather his thoughts.

Ah, who am I kidding. I didn't have a clue to what I was doing.

But I did understand something about him - _finally._ I'd been feeling so empty as I'd been hanging around him, because I went to knowing him inside and out, to being enemies, to being... _something. _I wasn't okay with not understanding him, or trusting him.

I drove us to an abandoned factory lot. It was huge, and probably a good place for Al to start driving. I parked in the middle and turned off the car before turning to him. "Al?"

"Yeah?" he asked, voice cracking.

"You have to promise me something," I said nervously, fingering the keys in my hands.

"What's that?"

"You can't drive inebriated." He opened his mouth - to protest or agree, I didn't know, but I cut across him. "Seriously, Al. I get that you might feel like you have control, but you really don't."

"Mandy, you've only tried smoking," he tried to reason, "and you've barely drunk anything. How would you know?" I shrugged and bit my lip, and he sighed. "Okay. Fine."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

I smiled in relief and gave him the keys and we exchanged seats. I watched as he adjusted the driver's seat, placed his hands on the wheel and closed his eyes. He took a couple of deep breaths, chest rising and falling. To my surprise, he leaned forward and rested his forehead on the wheel.

"Al?" I asked, scooting over a bit and resting my hand on his arm. He flinched away. "Are you okay?"

"I need a fag," he mumbled.

"Al."

"You can have one," he said, leaning back and fumbling through his pockets. He took out the box and his hand, holding out a cigarette for me.

"Not right now," I said, shaking my head. For some reason, I really only was in the mood for those things when we were at Kevin's place. Now, it just seemed a little wrong.

Al shrugged and lit his own with his wand. "Your loss."

"Not in the car," I said suddenly. I didn't need my parents knowing about all this.

"All right, all right," he said, rolling his eyes. He got out, walked to the front of the car and sat on the hood. The rain was beginning to come down harder, and after a few minutes, he put out the slightly soggy cigarette beneath his foot and came back inside.

He still didn't start the car.

"Put the key in the ignition and turn," I instructed uneasily. "It's not that hard."

He closed his eyes. "Yeah. I know."

"Then...?"

"Give me a second."

Seconds flew by. I didn't want to pressure him or anything - I mean, this was _his _idea - but maybe it wasn't such a good idea to take him driving right after he'd had a terrible fight with his sister. I didn't know the details, but it was obviously bothering him.

The rain came down harder, splattering on the car roof and filling the silence. He stared straight ahead, out the windshield, into the parking lot. After a while, it seemed to me that he was fighting the urge to say something, trying to keep his breathing even and suppressing whatever it was he was feeling.

And the weird thing was that it was _obvious, _now. Thinking back to the last couple of weeks we'd spent together, trying out new things at Kevin's apartment or even hanging out at my house, it had never been this obvious before.

He was always cold and distant. Even when we were snogging, it was rough and forceful. His laughter almost seemed empty, looking back on it. And now, he was _vulnerable_.

Why now? Why not before?

I remembered the other day, when he was high, and the way he was touching me seemed kind of... desperate. While I was trying not to be too offended he wasn't interested in me, I was more concerned at that moment with what was going on with him. And how it seemed more likely for this new Al to touch me again, because he didn't care about me at all - but now he was flinching away from me, because he _didn't _mean it that day.

Holy Merlin, he _did _trust me.

In some strange way. Some odd, mysterious way that involved telling me I'm a bad kisser, making me feel uncomfortable and dragging me into his fucked-up life. But that was _why _I knew he trusted me.

He really did respect me. It was evident now.

And that suddenly made all the difference.

"Al?" I said, breaking the silence. "Can you -"

"Hang on," he said, shaking his head. "Hang on, I can do this."

"No, just..." Making up my mind, deciding it didn't matter how it looked, I crawled over the console and onto the back seat. Al raised his eyebrows, and I gestured him to join me.

"Err, Mandy?" he said as he crawled beside me. "You _do _know how this looks, don't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Just ignore that for a second."

"But -"

I threw my arms around him. That was it. No kissing, no inappropriate touching - just hugging. I took a chance and held him tightly as the rain pounded down on the roof, the sound interrupting my thoughts - I definitely wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to make Al feel like I was still there for him. Even while we were enemies, I would've been there in a heartbeat if he needed me, and it was obvious nothing much had changed.

Al seemed in shock at first, but slowly twisted his arms around my waist. He held me tighter and tighter, until I was pressed closely to his chest. He buried his face in my shoulder and breathed deeply, finally calming down.

"Al," I whispered against his chest. "Tell me what happened."

He sighed, his breath brushing my neck, tickling it. "I had a fight with Lily."

"Why?"

"It was stupid," he muttered. I could barely hear him over the rain. "James and I were just wrestling, like we always do, and he won, obviously. He's way bigger than me. And Lily was teasing me about that, about always being smaller than other guys, and I snapped and told her she was just jealous of that and should take a hint."

I pressed my forehead against his collarbone. "Al, that's a horrible thing to say."

"I know."

"You just don't say that to girls," I said quietly, thinking of that time he was helping me find clothes. "Girls are really sensitive, and when you compare them to other girls, or tell them they're fat, or ugly, or anything... it stays with them for a long time. Even if it's your sister."

"But I didn't mean it," he said truthfully. "It just came out."

"Doesn't matter."

"This isn't the first fight we've had," he admitted in a small voice. "I don't know why I say these things, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"Never mind," he mumbled. Even if there was so much more to it, and I wanted to know... it just wasn't the right time. He inhaled sharply. "I guess we should head back."

"We don't have to," I said, leaning back to smile at him. "Not yet, anyway."

"I don't know how to break it to you," he said uneasily, "but I'm not exactly in the driving mood right now."

"I can see that."

"I know you're doing me a favour..."

"It's okay," I assured him, shaking my head. "Really. We have lots of time to learn."

"What do you want to do?" he asked, bringing his fingers up to my chin. My head tipped back and I looked at him. Really looked. He was sad and guilty, like I'd expected. But there was a bit of that smile I hadn't seen in so long, his _real _smile, somewhere in his eyes.

"I dunno," I said, taking his hand and threading my fingers through his. I gestured out the window, where it was still pouring rain. "It's beautiful out there."

He chuckled a little and pulled me onto his lap. "In some, strange way."

"I wish the roof of the car was like it is in the Great Hall," I told him, glancing up at the very solid ceiling. "Reflects the same weather out there. I'd like to see the rain fall and not get wet."

"That would be pretty cool," he agreed. "I'd like to see snow falling, wouldn't you? I mean, I guess I could see it through a window, but then the snow would pile up on it. Or at Hogwarts. But I've never really gotten the chance." He said this all sincerely. Not mockingly, like I'd come to expect from the New Al.

My eyes searched him as he looked out the window, imagining, expression filled with wonder. There was something so warm about him right then, and while he'd changed a lot since he was eleven, he was familiar. He turned back to me, and I felt his lips at my forehead. I closed my eyes.

"I've missed you so much," I said softly.

I felt him smile before he kissed me, right between my eyebrows.

"I've missed you too."

I pressed my cheek back to his chest, and he held me tightly. He smelled like smoke, rain and home, and I didn't want to let go. Not while I had my best friend back, and he was going to disappear so easily.

I just needed that moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"You are in so much trouble."

I raised an eyebrow at my very angry-looking mum. I'd just gotten back from hanging out with Al - well, if you can call cuddling in the back of my car "hanging out". I also wasn't exactly in the best mood, since Al wouldn't tell me exactly what was bothering him, _and _I got soaked from the rain on the way inside.

My socks were wet. Come on. That's a good excuse.

"What did I do?" I asked wearily, leaning against the coat closet by the front door to slowly peel my socks off.

"Where were you?"

"Just hanging out with Al," I answered simply, smiling. If I was speaking honestly, I hadn't wanted to leave. He was finally acting like himself again - even if he was upset. We'd talked for a few hours, at least, about stupid stuff. Like we used to. Then we declared that our butts were sore and came back.

"Hanging out with Al," she repeated angrily, her expression hardening.

"Yeah, he was upset, so -"

"Did it ever occur to you at some point that you forgot your responsibilities?" she demanded. I froze, eyes wide, and Mum scoffed. "Apparently not."

"Oh no," I moaned, clapping a hand to my forehead. "Shit, I left Eleni here!"

"Watch your language!" she snapped, but I pushed past her and ran upstairs, twisted and turning to get to Eleni's room. I opened the door and she was there, sitting at her little table and having tea with her stuffed animals.

Her eyes lit up when they saw me. "Mandy!"

"I'm so sorry, Eleni," I said guiltily, quickly running over and scooping her up in my arms. "Are you mad at me?"

"No," she said, grabbing onto my cheeks and pinching them. I squirmed and she let go, clapping her hands excitedly. "Mandy, Mandy, look! I'm taller than you!"

I laughed quietly and kissed her forehead. "I promise I'll never ditch you again."

"Okay," she said cheerfully. "Come have tea with me!"

"Okay."

"Where did you go?" she asked curiously as I put her down onto her little pink chair. "Mr. Bunny missed you."

"Al was really sad," I told her. She nodded like she understood and poured my tea.

"Did you give him a hug and kiss it better?" she asked, eyes wide and serious.

I laughed. "In a way."

"You should tell him to have tea with us!" she said, her jaw dropping from the sheer brilliance from her own idea. Her eyes lit up again and she tugged on my arm. "Please, Mandy?"

"Sure."

"YAY!" she exclaimed happily, jumping up to hug me. "I like Al, he gives me piggy back rides!"

"Yeah," I agreed softly, hugging her back. "I like him, too."

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey," Al replied, giving me a surprised smile. I sat beside him as he marked his page in his book and set it aside. "What brings you here?"

"I was around."

"Right," he said, raising an eyebrow. "That, or you were spying on me from your window."

"Was not!" I denied, blushing.

(I was.)

"Right," he repeated, smirking.

"What's up?" I asked, elbowing him lightly and looking out onto the street. "You never come out onto your roof."

"It was getting a little stuffy in there," he admitted. He glanced from me, then back to the street. "You come up here a lot, though."

I shrugged. "I like it up here."

"I can tell."

"I always have to sneak up, though," I told him, stretching out my legs in front of me. "If Eleni sees me up here, she'll probably want to do it, and then we'll get in a fight, and the next thing you know, there will be a wayward four year old on the roof by herself."

Al chuckled. "That's not good."

"My mum would kill me." I blew my fringe out my face and leaned back against the house. "I got in trouble yesterday."

"_You?_" he said sarcastically, and I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed. "Why?"

"I kind of forgot about Eleni when we went to that parking lot," I admitted guiltily. I noticed his eyes shifted away from me, the tips of his ears going a little red. I shook my head and continued. "My mum gave me a long lecture on responsibility."

"Are you grounded?" he asked.

"I got off with a warning."

Al chuckled. "Imagine if she knew that you smoke, now."

"I don't smoke that much!" I protested. "Just at Kevin's."

"We go there nearly every day, Mandy."

"I know, I know," I said. Al stiffened slightly when I leaned my head on his shoulder. I ignored it. "I don't really like it, though. It's kind of gross. Same with beer, by the way."

He rolled his eyes. "That's it. You're doing shots tonight."

"Does it taste disgusting?"

"Not after a few," he said teasingly, and I groaned.

"You're the one who wanted to try it, Miss Adventure." He paused when I didn't say anything. I felt his gaze on me. "I have a question."

"Go ahead."

"It's kind of random."

"It's okay."

He exhaled loudly. "Do you think there's any chance your brother is gay?"

I leaned my head off his shoulder, biting at my lip. I knew James was going to tell Al, but in all honesty, I didn't know how he was going to take it. I knew old Al would love James no matter what, but I wasn't really sure what the new one would think.

I shook my head. "No... why do you ask?"

"Because Victor's girlfriend is hot," he said sarcastically. I looked away. "Don't play dumb, James told me that you know."

"Oh." I brought my legs to my chest and drop my chin on my knees. "So you talked to him."

"He's my brother, I talk to him all the time," he said. But I knew he was lying.

"Right." I played with my shoelace. "What do you think?"

"Honestly?" he asked, and I nodded. "I already guessed."

"Really?" I spluttered, my eyes snapping to his. He shrugged. "How'd you know?"

"Like I said," he told me, giving me a small smile, "he's my brother."

For some reason, that made me want to jump up and down on the roof. Al _did _accept his brother for who he was. Even if they didn't talk anymore since they got into so many arguments, there was some part of Al that couldn't help but show that he cared.

I couldn't help but grin at him. "Let's go for a drive."

* * *

"One day, my parents are going to see through that."

"No they won't."

"They will, I know it. They'll see your true colours one day."

"And then they will ground you for eternity," he retorted playfully. We were on another "date", heading to Kevin's apartment. Again. I found myself often wishing that it was a real date. I really did. But I guess this was okay, too, since I got to spend time with him.

But we _had _been spending a lot more time together. Just as friends, doing friendly-type things. We'd gone back to the parking lot and I tried to teach Al to drive, which was interesting enough. It was fair, though, when Al tried to teach me how to apparate. It was probably a good thing he knew how to undo the Splinching.

He slipped his hand in mine, and I felt more like a stupid, typical teenage girl than ever. But I couldn't help it. I didn't know why, but I just felt like my heart ached. Entirely cliche-like. Because he was my best friend again, and I'd always loved him, but this was an entirely new way of falling for him.

Dammit, I had to end this. I had to tell him I was in too deep.

But I was also terrified of what he would say. If he would make fun of me.

Al lead me through the apartment, and I'd never felt more like an accessory. But I guess it wasn't so bad; he'd introduced me to everyone there, and even the muggles honestly weren't awful. What I liked the most was when everyone else was busy with each other, and Al didn't feel like socializing or snogging and we'd just sit in the corner and talk.

This was not one of those days.

Mind you, he seemed to be in a pretty strange mood. He kept zoning out more than usual, deep into thought. I saw him frowning a couple of times, but when I asked him about it, he kept telling me not to worry.

"Hey, Al, you're just in time!" someone shouted as we entered the living room. It was Kevin. Typical. "The movie is about to start!"

Sure enough, the couches and chairs had been pushed together in front of reasonably large television screen. Al went to the kitchen, and I sat down on the floor, next to a girl I'd met a few days before.

"Hey, Lana," I greeted, and the brunette smiled at me. I was pretty sure she was a muggle, but like I said, they weren't so bad.

"Hey, Mandy," she said cheerfully. A little drunkenly. "We're watching a movie!"

I laughed. "I've heard."

"And you get to drink this," Al said, coming up to us and sitting on the other side. He set a glass down on the carpet in front of me.

"What is it?"

"Juice," he said mischievously. I narrowed my eyes at him, and he laughed. "With vodka."

"Right," I said, shaking my head and smiling.

"Don't you trust me?" he teased, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"Sure."

"Hey, Mandy!" I heard Abbey's voice somewhere behind me, and I turned to see her sitting in Kevin's lap in the large armchair next to the couch. She waved at me. "Mandy, you're really pretty, you know that?"

I blushed. "Thanks."

"We should go shopping," she said matter-of-factly. "What exactly are you wearing, anyway?"

I looked down, my face burning. I wasn't sure if she was trying to be mean. It didn't seem like it. "Erm, a t-shirt. And shorts."

"Lay off, Abbey, not everyone wears tiny shorts," said Lana. Who was wearing very short shorts. "Mandy looks great."

I kept quiet. Al somehow sensed my discomfort, and shifted me closer to him. I had no idea how he knew. Maybe it was the fact that I had asked _him _what to wear the first time I'd come here. Maybe it was because he was one of the reasons I felt so self-conscious.

I just didn't really like this kind of attention.

* * *

Halfway through the movie, I wasn't quite sure what it was about - neither did anyone else, apparently. Honestly, I found the people more entertaining than the actual movie; everyone was drunk and acting silly. They were throwing popcorn around, giggling like idiots, sitting on each other's laps, cracking jokes...

If I didn't feel so horrible, I'd probably be having a lot of fun.

You know the feeling, right? When you're trying to go along with it all, but something inside is bothering you, so even smiling seems a bit like a chore? Yeah. That's how I felt.

I stood in the kitchen, slowly drinking the juice Al had given me and trying to resist the urge to ask him to go home. I could see him from there, and he looked like he was having fun. He was laughing and smoking and enjoying himself. These were his friends, not mine. I just couldn't shake away the feeling that I wasn't ever going to belong.

Kevin, Abbey and Steve were Al's closest friends, and had nothing in common with me. There was Lana, who was a muggle and was nice enough. There was Jack and Mary, who were also muggles, and dating. There was Phil, who was this moody Slytherin who usually didn't say much - but even _he _looked like he was having fun. Then there was Steve's best friend, Peter, who was in Hufflepuff. I think.

Where did I belong in that?

I wasn't quite sure if this counted as an adventure anymore.

"Hey, Mandy," Lana said as she came into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and reached into it for another beer. "You all right?"

I shrugged. "Yeah."

"You know, Abbey didn't mean it in a bad way," she said, coming up beside me to where I was leaning on the breakfast bar. "Seriously. She's just obsessed with fashion."

I remembered what Al had said about her clothing. And how she looked in them.

"Really, Mandy," Lana persisted, putting her drink down. "She wouldn't have said you looked nice if she didn't believe it."

I shrugged again, feeling a bit better. But it didn't really shake that feeling. Both Abbey and Lana dressed well, and I didn't really know _how _to. Plus, I just wanted to feel comfortable. I didn't think shorts and a t-shirt weren't so bad. Al hadn't said anything.

Well, not directly. He made offhand comments about how other girls were hot. He hadn't made any comments about my body specifically, or how I dressed, but I felt the pressure, anyway. I felt like I knew what was looking for when he was looking at girls, because of his stupid comments... and I wasn't it.

I guess it just lead to that. I'd never thought about my body or how I dressed before. I'd never _cared _before. Now there was Al, who was interested in Abbey and the way she showed off skin and how her boobs or butt looked great in whatever she wore, and I just... I dunno. I couldn't _compete _with that.

"Mandy?" I snapped out of it when I saw Lana waving a hand in front of my eyes. "I'm not lying."

"I know, sorry," I said quickly, shaking my head. "I guess it's just Al."

She looked at me sympathetically. "Boy problems?"

"I guess," I mumbled, taking a sip of my drink. Lana didn't know Al and I weren't really dating, and I wanted to keep it that way. I nodded towards him. "I guess I just feel like I should probably dress better."

"Did he say that?" she asked, sounding angry.

"No, no..." I put my drink down and looked to her. She looked like she actually wanted to listen, and the next thing I knew, the words were falling out of my mouth. "I guess it's just the pressure, you know? I want him to be interested, but I just..."

That was definitely the drink talking, and revealing something personal to a stranger.

She put her drink down and held me by the shoulders, peering intently at me. "Mandy, Al is already dating you. He must like how you look."

I shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know. He's a teenage boy. Short attention span." _And the fact that he likes Abbey, not me._

"That boy knows how lucky he is, okay?" Lana said, shaking my shoulders lightly. "It's written all over his face. He really cares about you. I wouldn't worry, because even if you're not exactly up-to-date in fashion, you _are _pretty."

And I was about to voice my doubts with how Al might have thought to that, because there was _no way _boys didn't care about how girls dress, no matter how much they cared about them.

But unfortunately, I found that kind of hard to say when Lana's lips were suddenly pressing against mine.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

I don't think '_shocked'_ quite covered how I was feeling.

Lana's hands moved from my shoulders to the back of my neck, still kissing me enthusiastically. I wasn't quite as eager; my eyes were wide open, I was pretty sure I was frozen and I don't even _know_ what my hands were doing.

Suddenly, we heard whooping and whistling from the crowd in the living room.

The room went dead silent as she froze. She slowly leaned back and let go of me; her eyes seemed to be as wide as mine. I felt like I was in the middle of a strange episode, in which I was just kissed by a girl – without warning. And everyone was watching.

"Hey, Al," Kevin said loudly, and I turned to see him nudging Al's back with his foot. "You'd better watch out before Lana steals your girlfriend!"

"You must be bad if your girlfriend turns gay on you," Steve teased, sniggering.

Everyone else broke into nervous laughs – except Al. His expression looked to be somewhere between dumbstruck and confused, as though he felt like he was missing something. Slowly, I turned back to Lana, who immediately stepped back, looking horrified.

"Mandy, I am so sorry," she whispered hurriedly, frantically. "I didn't mean to do that, I really didn't, I must be so drunk – it's just that you looked so sad because Al thinks you're not pretty, and I just wanted to you to somehow _know –_" She cut off abruptly, then looked down at her feet. "I shouldn't have done that."

I somehow found my voice again. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" she said weakly, looking up again.

"Yeah." I nodded, somehow. I felt very numb. "Really. It's fine."

Then, I did something very un-Gryffindor-like.

I ran.

* * *

I didn't get too far. I only reached just outside before I stopped, not knowing where to go. I was standing outside a sketchy apartment building in a sketchy neighbourhood in a sketchy part of town where the street lights were spread far apart and it didn't seem like there was anyone there.

At eleven at night.

And yet, that wasn't exactly my primary concern.

I just couldn't help but notice that despite the fact that I wasn't attracted to Lana, I hadn't really felt anything in the kiss and it really didn't mean anything, it wasn't that… _bad._ And I guess I was sort of expecting it to be, since a girl just kissed me.

But it wasn't bad. It wasn't like kissing Kevin, because that was out of the blue and disgusting, since he'd just shoved his tongue down my throat at the first opportunity. It wasn't like snogging Al, because while it caused a million butterflies in my stomach, I'd never really liked the way he was sort of rough and fast. Lana's was kind of sweet.

Was this how James felt when he first started figuring out he was gay?

"Hey." I jumped in surprise and turned to see Al behind me. He was grinning nervously. "You all right?"

I shrugged. "I guess. Shocked."

"Do you want to go home?" he asked, and I shook my head. We stood there in silence for a few moments; I was looking down at my shoes, trying not to blush at his stare. He let out a short breath and shrugged. "Want to go on the roof?"

"The roof?"

He smiled and grabbed my hand. The next thing I knew, he was dragging me into the alley beside the building, then we were running up the steps of the fire escape.

We were completely out of breath as we reached the roof, but it was beautiful. Past the creepy part of town where we were, we could see all the lights of the city, but it was far enough away that we could also see the stars.

"I guess you've realized how much I like being on the roof," I said breathlessly.

He laughed and pulled me to the ledge. I noticed he sat much farther back on the ledge than I did; he was probably scared, being up so high, but he was still there. For me. I pushed my legs over, letting them dangle off the edge.

I watched Al from the corner of my eye as he lit another fag. It was very rare for him to smoke more than one a night, and I was surprised. He held it out to me after taking the first drag.

"No thanks," I told him, and he shrugged.

"So," he said casually. Too casually. "That was some show in there."

I felt my cheeks turn red. "It wasn't a show. It was an accident."

"You _accidentally_ kissed her?" he asked, sniggering.

"I didn't kiss her," I replied, "so it was accidental. She apologized, anyway."

"Did she?" he said, but I could tell he didn't care. His expression clearly said he just wanted to tease me. "You know, it's okay if you wanted to."

I felt my irritation grow. "I _didn't_."

"I don't mind. I just wish you'd told me."

"Al, stop it."

"I mean, she's pretty hot, so I understand."

That one struck a nerve. I turned away and looked out at the city lights again, trying not to feel the sting of it. This whole thing – Al not finding me attractive – was why this whole thing happened in the first place. I wasn't even sure why he was out there and not with his friends and _Abbey_, but I'd suspected they'd driven them away.

I didn't realize I'd been shivering before Al shrugged off his sweater and draped it around my shoulders. I nearly jumped in surprise, but he pulled it tightly around me and looked away.

"Aren't you cold?" I asked in surprise.

"Not really," he said, seemingly unconcerned. "You know, they're just teasing you. It's no big deal. Half of them in there have kissed each other while drunk. Sometimes more."

"Have you?"

"Yeah," he said matter-of-factly. "I mean, we were just experimenting and stuff. It just turned out that I figured out that I'm not gay, and he realized he was bi."

"Who was that?"

"Steve." I raised an eyebrow, and he chuckled. "You didn't notice? He and Peter have been dating for the past few months."

"I thought they were really good friends," I admitted, and he smirked.

"I'd say."

"I don't think I'm gay," I confided, thinking as I spoke. "I mean, it was kind of nice. But weird. I didn't feel a thing, and I'm not attracted to her."

Al observed me closely for a few moments.

"Well," he said finally, the corners of his mouth twitching, "if you're still questioning it, we can always make sure."

It took me a second to figure what he meant.

"Shut it," I said, blushing furiously and smacking his side lightly. He laughed and put his arm around me suggestively, and I wiggled away. The problem was that it was clear we were just friends – that he didn't find me attractive – so I thought I should probably treat him like one. It wasn't as though I minded the flirting, or even the touching.

I just wished he'd meant it.

* * *

"Are you going out with Al again?" Mum asked as I walked into the kitchen. I raised an eyebrow, and she gestured at my outfit with a wooden spoon. "You're wearing the clothes you usually hate."

"Oh," I said, colouring slightly as I slid in a seat beside Addie at the breakfast bar. "Yeah, I am."

"You never eat at home anymore," Victor commented as he looked in the fridge.

"Yes I do."

"No, you don't. I'm surprised you're not fat from eating out so much."

I stuck my tongue out at him, and he chucked a grape at me. I ducked. "You know, there's something called _being active_."

"That term is foreign to me," he deadpanned.

"But he has a point," Addie piped up, her attention diverting from her book. "You and Al go out all the time. What do you do?"

I shrugged nonchalantly, but my mind was racing. I found myself just blabbering out all the stuff I _wish_ Al and I did. Normal couple stuff.

"I dunno. We eat. Go bowling. See a movie. Take walks."

"You take walks until twelve at night?" Mum asked, turning and giving me a concerned look. "That's not safe, Mandy."

"Well, not _every_ night," I lied carefully, trying to hold eye contact.

"I wish my boyfriend wanted to do that stuff," Addie said wistfully. I found myself wishing the same thing. "All he wants to do is snog."

"Then why are you going out with him?"

"I didn't say I didn't like it," she defended, and I laughed.

"What are you guys doing tonight?" Victor asked me, setting a bowl of grapes in front of Addie and I. "Don't you get bored of doing the same thing over and over?"

"Don't you?" I countered teasingly. Addie made kissing noises at him.

"Shut it," he said.

"I dunno what we'll do," I lied again, popping a grape in my mouth. "We usually just decide on the spot. We do more than just _snog_," I emphasized to my sister.

"Oh, _do_ you?" she retorted, and I mentally smacked myself.

Wow, I'd really walked into that one.

"So should we be expecting you home tonight, or at Al's?" Victor asked, sniggering.

I turned a deep red and quickly glanced at my mum. Her shoulders were suddenly stiff. "Erm… I didn't think I _could_ do that…"

"Victor has Barbie over all the time," Addie pointed out, avoiding our brother's glare at his girlfriend's nickname. "You're of age."

I looked over to my mum again. She didn't turn around as she spoke. "I won't stop you."

"You won't?" I said nervously. This was way more freedom than I was accustomed to. "Seriously?"

"I wouldn't mention it to Dad," Victor commented, still laughing. I nearly jumped when the doorbell rang, and quickly hurried out to where Al was waiting.

"Use protection!" Addie yelled after me, just before I opened the door.

I could only pray he hadn't heard that.

* * *

"Hey, it's Lana's new girlfriend!" Kevin greeted us as Al and I entered his apartment.

I felt really bad when Lana turned bright red and sped away, towards the kitchen. Al and I took a seat beside Kevin and Abbey. They seemed more than drunk than usual, which was saying something.

"I wish you wouldn't say that," I told Kevin. "I think she feels really guilty."

"Only because you're not gay," he said loudly. He wrapped an arm tightly around Abbey. "Don't steal my girlfriend!"

"Don't mind him," she said, rolling his eyes. "He's just mad because I cut him off the alcohol."

"Good call," Al told her, laughing. I felt a pang of jealousy in my gut.

"Lana shouldn't be so sensitive," Kevin cut in, ignoring our conversation entirely. "I mean, she almost took advantage of our innocent little Mandy here. Mandy the Prude."

"I'm not a prude," I snapped.

"Wait, are you a virgin?" Abbey asked immediately, turning to me.

My eyes widened. Wasn't that _private_? "Umm –"

"No shit, she is," Kevin just about shouted, laughing at the same volume. He was looking at me with this condescension like, I wasn't worthy of his time, because I hadn't had sex. "Damn, Al, how slow are you two going? It's nearly been a month!"

Al stiffened, but didn't say anything. Why wasn't he saying anything?

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin," I said, my voice wavering more than I would've liked.

"Right," Kevin said, snorting. "I think it's time to remedy this situation." He pushed Abbey off his lap and looking around the room. "Oi, Steve, help me."

"Don't make them do anything," Abbey scolded, but he wasn't listening. The next thing I knew, Kevin had grabbed Al around the collar and dragged him across the room, disappearing in the hallway.

Then Steve picked me up.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, struggling, but it didn't make a difference; he just sped in the same direction as Al and Kevin. A few moments later, we entered the bedroom, he dumped me on the bed. I saw Kevin and Al nearly wrestling, but Kevin was huge; he knocked Al backwards and hurried out the door, Steve a step ahead of them.

Al lunged for the door, but it shut in his face and locked. He pounded the door with his fist, his friends' laughter taunting him. He hadn't protested the entire time there, but something inside him seemed to crack and he began to shout.

I couldn't help but wonder why he didn't just tell them off.

"GUYS, LET US OUT! GUYS – fuck." Al groaned and turned around, running a hand through his hair. "The doorknob is jammed. They're not going to let us out for a while."

I looked at the bed, and back at him. "Fine."

"We don't have to do anything."

"Oh, really," I challenged, raising an eyebrow.

"_Yes,_ really."

"Because that would just prove them right, wouldn't it?" I shot back, more than a little pissed off. "That I'm just a prude?"

He exhaled loudly. "Mandy..."

"I'm not a prude – just because I haven't done anything, it doesn't mean I am one," I forced out, hugging my arms across my body.

"That's technically what it means –"

"I'm _not_ a prude, okay?!"

"Okay, okay!" he said hastily, stepping back. "I never said you were!"

"What the hell is wrong with being a virgin, anyway?"

"_Nothing!_"

"Then why aren't you one?" I protested, turning away so he didn't see me blushing. It was pretty obvious the way Kevin was talking that Al definitely wasn't – but it wasn't supposed to bother me. Al and I weren't _anything_, nothing but friends, so it shouldn't matter.

"Come on, Mandy," he said, stepping forwards, hands held up in front of him. "It's different for everyone. My friends are just being drunk and stupid. Don't listen to them."

"Right," I said bitterly. "Just like you do."

I'd struck a nerve. He crossed his arms tightly and turned away, staring at the locked door again. I didn't even want to know what he was thinking, but I refused to feel guilty for speaking the truth.

I sighed and sat on the edge on the bed. "Al, can I ask you something?"

"Go for it," he said irritably.

"Would you do it, if I asked you to?"

He spun around, jaw dropped. "_What_?"

"Would you do it." I cleared my throat, trying to look into his eyes, but I couldn't. "You know. Have sex with me. Take my virginity. Whatever."

"You _want_ me to?"

"I don't know!" I said defensively, staring at my knees. "I just – is it better to get it over with or wait? Because I've always thought it's better to wait, but now it just seems like…" I trailed off, thinking of the look on their faces. Like I was an alien.

First my siblings, now Al's stupid friends.

I was so tired of feeling innocent and _small._

Al shoved his hands in his pockets. "I was in a relationship."

"With Abbey?"

"No. Someone else."

"Were you in love with her?"

"No," he admitted uneasily, "but we were dating for about three months. We broke up a couple of months later after we did it, but that wasn't why. Things just didn't work out."

"Why'd you do it?" I asked quietly. "Did Kevin and Steve tease you, too?"

"A bit." He sat down beside me, far enough so he wasn't touching me, but close enough that he could. "Yeah, I guess."

"Do you regret it?"

"Not really."

"What about anyone else?" I asked, my voice getting smaller and smaller. "Have you ever hooked up with anyone?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah. I don't really like hook-ups."

"Did Kevin and Steve make you -"

"Look Mandy," he interrupted, looking very uncomfortable, "I'm not lying when I say the decision is different for everybody. Just do it when you're ready. You really shouldn't listen to their stupid comments. "

I didn't say anything.

"Even if I did," he added quietly.

I exhaled. My fingers were sweaty and digging into my sides. "So, would you?"

"Would I…"

"Hypothetically, if I wanted to get it over with." _And make them stop looking at me like I was a child._ I cleared my throat again. "Entirely theoretically, if I wanted to lose my virginity... would you have sex with me?"

Al swallowed hard, eyes surveying me – my body. Slowly, he nodded.

* * *

We'd been sitting in silence. I was twiddling my thumbs. Al was staring at the wall, deep in thought. I wasn't sure if this was just awkward since we'd just agreed to the fact that we both would have sex with each other but weren't going to. It probably was.

I lay back on the bed, non-suggestively, and rubbed my eyes. I wanted to take it back. Before, Al was using me, no questions asked. Now, I felt like I had hope. That maybe he could like me back.

"I hated you," Al blurted out of the blue.

Well. There went the hope.

I sat up and put my knees to my chest, as though I were protecting myself from the blow. I looked away so he wouldn't see my eyes water. "Oh."

"Everyone did," he continued. Another stab to my heart. Great.

"Thanks," I mumbled into my knees.

"I wasn't sure why they did, at first," he told me, as though we were talking about the weather. "I knew why I did, but it took me a little while to figure out why they hated you. Some of it was because you play Quidditch. Team rivalry and all that. But then..." I saw him shake his head. "I dunno. They seemed to hate you because you were annoying."

Tears were threatening to spill, but I held them in. "Annoying?"

"Yeah. You were, I guess. I mean, you did your homework at the last minute and still got decent grades. You were always doing weird things, and they thought it was for attention. All the teachers loved you anyway. Half the time, my friends hated you because you were skipping around and half covered in mud from your latest... whatever you were doing."

"So..." I wanted to protest, but I took a deep breath instead. Al didn't seem to notice. "Everyone out there... they actually hate me?"

"I don't know if they hate you anymore," he said, shrugging.

"Then why did you bring me here?"

"You know." He shrugged again. "Abbey."

That was the worst stab to my heart out of all of them.

I think Al noticed me sniffling (I wasn't crying. Really. I kept in those tears. But snot is a bitch), because he moved over and wrapped his arms around me, trapping me against his chest. He dropped his chin on my shoulder and lightly kissed me, under my ear. "Mandy, I meant it in the past tense."

"I don't care."

"I swear I don't hate you anymore, not at all -"

"Al, what did I _do_?" I asked quietly, refusing to look at him. Refusing to relax in his arms. "What was it that made you say all those things?"

"It was them," he said quickly. "That's what they said, I just went along with it, and it was stupid, I know -"

"That's not it!" I protested, turning around. Al still wouldn't let go of me. "That's not it, and you know it!"

"But I didn't -"

"Why did _you_ hate me, Al?" I demanded. "What did I do to _you_ -"

"I was jealous, okay?" he burst out bitterly.

… _what_?

I leaned back and crossed my arms. Preparing for the blow. "But... you had the friends. You ditched me. I don't -"

"I was jealous that you'd forgotten me so easily," he told me, as though I'd stolen the words from him, that the last thing he wanted. He let go of me abruptly and looked away. "I was jealous because you were still happy without me. So I hated you for it."

I couldn't breathe anymore.

I could barely _think._ My head was spinning, as though things were suddenly making sense, and then none at all. What I knew was that Al ditched me for his new friends, who hated me. And now he was telling me it was because I went on with my life, trying to let him go.

He exhaled quietly and shook his head at the ceiling. "Now you know. Happy?"

No. I wasn't.

Because if he cared so much, why didn't he just come back? Why did he ditch me?

Before I could even think of a reply, there was a loud knocking at the door. We froze as Kevin's loud, drunken voice filtered through: "OI! I NEED MY BEDROOM BACK! I'M COMING IN THERE, WHETHER YOU'RE NAKED OR NOT!"

Al and I had barely a moment to exchange terrified glances. Then the next thing I knew, the door was opening, Al's lips were bruising mine with his and I heard whooping and whistling.

"Get it, mate!" Kevin yelled loudly, senselessly. "Did you fuck the bitch out of her yet?"

I froze in shock. Al detached himself from me and glared at him.

Abbey laughed from beside Kevin, hanging off his arm; she was a little drunker than before. "I told you they wouldn't do it. Stop pressuring them, already -"

"Don't tell me what to do -"

That was all we heard of their conversation before Al pulled me out of the room and shut the door. I turned to him immediately. "What is he talking about?"

He gave me an apologetic look. "Just ignore him, he's drunk -"

"Do you think I'm a bitch?" I asked shakily. I was honestly scared. Really scared. And normally I loved this kind of scary, but this was different. This didn't feel like adrenaline anymore.

"Am I?" I asked again, quieter this time. "What does he mean?"

"He's an idiot," Al whispered, wrapping his arms around me. He forced me tightly against his chest. "Please don't listen to him."

"Al, he's not going to - you're not going to -"

"He's not going to touch you," he said firmly. We began to hear noises from the bedroom, and Al took my hand, pulling me into the living room. I sat down, watching as his eyes narrowed at something in the kitchen.

"Mandy, I'll be right back," he said. "I just have to talk to someone."

"But -"

"Don't worry," Al reassured me, smiling and leaning down to kiss my cheek.

I sat back on the couch and shivered, hugging myself tightly. Kevin's words frightened me more than I could imagine. I didn't know why - hadn't I heard them just about a million times? People said it on television all the time. I hadn't freaked out then. But I hadn't been seen as a bitch then.

I'd never been so aware of how other people thought of me.

"Hey." I turned to see Steve plop down beside me. His hand immediately went to my thigh.

I shifted away and brought my legs up to my chest, curling into myself. I was shaking again. "Steve, please don't."

He shrugged and took his hand away. "Want a joint?"

I looked around. Al still wasn't back, and he didn't seem to be coming back anytime soon. Kevin was still with Abbey in his bedroom - and though he wasn't coming out for a while, I just wanted to forget I was still there in his apartment. I knew Al was probably right, that Kevin wouldn't do anything to me.

I just needed to forget for a while.

* * *

It didn't make me forget.

Oh Merlin oh Merlin oh Merlin, this was a bad idea, _such a bad idea_, everything was just too much, like every inch of my skin was tingling, the colours around me too bright, too fast too slow and _so loud_ -

"What the fuck is going on?"

"She's tripping out, mate!" Steve jeered, his voice washing over me, like I could feel the sound.

I looked up at him; Al was there, holding him by the collar. Everything was so vivid. "Why would you give her that now? You know it's her first time!"

"Relax," Steve said, rolling his eyes. "She's barely smoked any, she'll only be high for about twenty minutes." He turned away from Al and gestured to a group of people across the room. "Guys, Mandy's tripping out!"

"Oh, fuck off!" Al shouted, and I cringed. Suddenly, _way too suddenly_, he scooped me up from the couch and apparated. The next thing I knew, we were in his room.

And I _really_ had to throw up.

Al obviously knew, but I didn't know how; everything was a blur as he ran to his bathroom. I vaguely saw the inside of his toilet before my dinner came up, and I hurled. My throat felt raw, I was dizzy and everything was vibrating against my senses.

Eventually, my insides calmed down. Al helped me stand as I rinsed out my mouth, then lead me to his bed. He made me lie down, and that helped. Sort of.

"What's going on?" I croaked, my voice echoing my ears.

"You tripped out," he said gently as he covered me with his blankets. They smelled like him. "It happens to some people when they smoke weed the first time. They can't handle the feeling, and they panic."

I shut my eyes, but everything still felt tingly. "I want it to stop."

He sat down and brushed my hair out of my eyes. "Do you want something to eat?"

I nodded. I felt his weight leave the bed and heard him shifting some stuff around. When he came back, he sat back down and grabbed my hand to pull me up.

"Do you like Pumpkin Pasties?" he asked as he unwrapped one for me. "My cousins gave some last time they visited. Still have a couple leftover." He handed it to me, and I took a tentative bite.

Then I devoured it.

That was the best fucking pasty I'd ever eaten.

Al was trying not to laugh as I licked my fingers. "Good?"

I nodded and lay back down. "Yeah."

"You can sleep here if you want," he said softly. "I'll get you back before your parents notice."

"Don't worry, they've been expecting me to stay over," I said sleepily, not really thinking about what I was saying. I could see Al's cheeks tinge in the moonlight, and I giggled. "You're cute when you blush."

"They were teasing you about that?" he asked, ignoring my last comment.

"Yeah." I thought for a second. "My dad wasn't home."

"Oh."

"Al?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I want to get high like this anymore," I decided, reaching for his hand. "Next time, I'll just bungee jump off a taller building."

He laughed.

I tugged him closer. "Can you hold me?"

Al blushed again before gently pushing me to the other side of the bed. When he climbed under the covers, I settled my head onto his chest. I didn't even feel shy about it. I just snuggled into his t-shirt and yawned. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said, his breath a little short.

That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

When I woke up, it was still dark. I blinked and stretched, letting the world come into focus... only to realize that I was currently sprawled across a slowly stirring Al.

I immediately scrambled off. The night before was coming back to me, and I'd never felt more embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," I stammered, "I don't know what I was thinking -"

"I kind of liked it," he admittedly softly, almost sleepily. I shut up immediately, face flaming. He rubbed his eyes. "I've only slept with a few girls, and they'd always leave afterwards."

"Oh." I blushed furiously, avoiding his eyes as he spoke. "I liked being held."

"Yeah." He brushed some hair away from my face. "The thing about shagging quickly to lose your virginity is that it can leave you pretty lonely."

I didn't give it a second thought; I scooted back against him. He immediately wrapped his arms around me. Tightly, like he was afraid I'd slip away.

My fingers reached up to brush his jaw line. "You're too young to feel this lonely."

He buried his nose in my hair in response.

"You know," I said softly, "when we were in first year, it wasn't easy for me, either."

"What wasn't?"

I thought back. "Remember when your friends first started making fun of me?"

Al pulled away and smiled sheepishly. "No."

"Well, they'd started teasing me," I told him, pulling the blanket a little higher. "It wasn't so bad, I suppose. But what really got me was when you joined in."

"I remember," he said slowly. "Kevin and Steve kept pushing me to do it. And I was mad at you, too."

"Up until that point, I thought we were still friends," I admitted. "After you joined in, I ran away, remember?"

"Yeah."

"I cried for hours," I confessed. "Hagrid was the one who found me and made me feel better. But..." I took a deep breath. I usually tried to avoid thinking of that day. "I missed you a lot. It wasn't easy for me, either, especially when you kept hurting me."

He pulled me closer. "I guess I never thought of it that way."

"I guess. But I never hated you," I added quietly.

"I just wanted to hurt you because I thought you didn't care," he said apologetically. He squeezed me tightly. "Mandy, can I take it all back?"

I nodded and reached for this hand, threading my fingers through his. "You were the best friend I'd ever had, you know that?"

He kissed my forehead, but kept silent.

Maybe he was just too used to being pushed around, being second choice, never standing up for himself. Maybe that was why he never knew how much he really meant to people. To his family. To me.

Maybe he didn't know.

* * *

When I woke up again, I felt a gentle brushing on my scalp at the top of my head. It stopped abruptly when I opened my eyes.

"Did I wake you?" Al asked, his fingers still buried in my hair.

"No," I whispered, digging my face into his chest. His fingers resumed massaging my head, soothing me. "Why don't you sleep?"

"Been thinking."

"You think a lot."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess."

"What are you thinking about?" I asked, leaning back and leveling with his face. His hair was all messed up - definitely sex hair. His eyes were half closed and sleepy, lips curved a little in a relaxed smile.

Merlin, I wanted him so badly.

"You know what I did last night?" he asked, cutting through my thoughts.

"What?"

"For the first time, I stood up to my friends." He frowned. "Well, just Steve. I dunno if I could stand up to Kevin, ever."

"He's scary," I admitted, feeling my stomach jump a little. And not in the good way.

"I won't let him hurt you," he murmured, so quietly that I wondered if I was supposed to hear it. He exhaled loudly, slowly. "I didn't want you to try weed at Kevin's place."

"Why not?"

"In case you tripped out," he said, giving me a sad smile. "Steve just wanted some entertainment. Same with everyone else."

"And you?"

"I kind of like the high," he admitted. He sounded a bit ashamed of himself. "Don't you?"

"Not this kind," I said, shaking my head. I'd thought about it a little, and it's just that the high that weed gave me wasn't the high I enjoyed. I loved the adrenaline rush of trying something new, and that disappeared right before I started tripping out. I liked the rush when I felt exhilarated, my heart beating out of my chest and me, just going for something.

Like bungee jumping. Like catching a fish with my bare hands. Like going through a really good haunted house. Like doing something dangerous that you know you shouldn't be doing, but hell if I ever followed the rules.

If I wasn't so relaxed and warm and sleepy, it would be such a rush to be with Al at that moment. Even just in his bed. We weren't even doing anything.

Unfortunately.

I couldn't even imagine the rush I'd get from actually shagging him. My heart already sped up ridiculously around him, and the way he made me feel sometimes just by looking at me... chances were that he would have sex with me, and I just needed to ask, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to do that.

Yet.

"You know what I think?" I asked. He raised an eyebrow. "I think weed is the artificial high. You don't need it to get the kind of rush I love."

His eyes slipped down to my lips, and I felt my heart speed up a little. "You think?"

"Yeah."

He closed his eyes and turned onto his back, putting his hands behind his head. "Well, I guess that's your opinion."

"It is."

"I wish you hadn't tripped out." He sounded a little sad, a little wistful.

"Me too," I said, playing with the tiny threads poking out of the hem of Al's t-shirt. "But it's probably for the best."

"Can't believe Steve gave you..." He shook his head and turned back to me. "Doesn't matter. What's done is done."

"I guess." Feeling a burst of courage, I pushed my forehead against his. Al's breath caught, and I pretended not to notice. "Thanks for telling him off for me."

"No problem," he breathed.

"I'm proud of you," I said quietly, avoiding his eyes. Nerves were building in my stomach. Merlin, this was the best kind of rush. "You don't have to listen to Kevin or Steve. You're your own person."

"Mmhmm." Al was breathless, but not nervous. This was a bit closer than we were both used to. When we weren't acting, anyway. He didn't think anything was going to happen - that much was obvious.

It hadn't occurred to me how wrong this could've gone, that he wasn't attracted to me, that he only saw me as a friend. Even though my reasons for being attracted to him were inexplicable past the looks, whatever I felt for him was way deeper than that. And he didn't feel the same.

But all I could think of was how much I wanted that stupid rush. How amazing it would feel to kiss him.

So I did.

His guard was down when my lips pressed against his, and he froze. My insides seized as I kissed him for those few blissful seconds, those few moments when I felt my heart race and beat out of my chest, surrounded by his wonderful smell and just being with him. For real. A glimpse of hope for it.

It was over too soon; he'd pulled away in surprise. "But... but you said..."

I remembered. 'Not unless you mean it.'

Shit, what did I just do?

I slowly pulled away and got off his bed. He watched as I unlatched his window and cranked it open so I could climb out. I could tell he was just deciding what to do, since he probably wasn't expecting me to kiss him without reason, but I couldn't stay to figure out what he was going to say to hurt me. Even by accident. Even if it was just the truth.

It was my first time initiating a kiss, and I suddenly realized what it really meant. Why boys could be afraid of making the first move. Kissing him was taking a chance - one that I didn't even believe in. I didn't think he was interested in me like that, and I kissed him anyway.

What was I thinking?

Why did I always make myself so vulnerable?

"Wait," he said, grabbing my arm. He was confused. "Mandy, come on."

I looked away. "I guess I meant it."

That's when he let me go. And I left, because I was so embarrassed. I'd practically set myself up for rejection, because I just wanted to kiss him so badly - I wanted to be with him so badly. I didn't know why he made me feel this way, or why exactly I liked him. I couldn't explain it. I just did.

I'd realized that it wasn't really hope.

It was a confession.

* * *

Getting back to my room was no big deal. Never has been. I unlocked my window with my wand, slipped back inside my room and shut it. The problem was when I turned around and turned on my bedside lamp.

My mom was sleeping in my bed.

Shit, I was so busted.

I froze as she stirred, squinting at me through the sudden brightness. "Mandy?"

"Erm, yeah?" I asked nervously.

"Good, you're home." She swung her legs off the bed and gave me a you're-in-for-a-lecture look. I hated that look. "I need to talk to you."

"I thought you said it was okay," I blurted out hurriedly, my face burning. "Really, I wouldn't have gone if –"

"You're not in trouble, Mandy," she assured me, the corners of her mouth twitching. She grabbed my hand and pulled me beside her on the bed. "It's okay you were over there. I was expecting it."

"You were?"

"It seems like you and Al are getting really close," she said. I tried not to squirm uncomfortably – this was really awkward. "I experimented when I was your age, too."

"Mental images, Mum," I joked nervously.

She laughed. "I just want to make sure you're safe, Mandy. I know Al's a good boy. You need to tell me when you're not going to be home, and use protection if you do anything."

I could feel my face burning. "I know."

"It's part of my job to tell you," she said, kissing my cheek. "Promise me? I'm not asking Ginny to check for me anymore."

"Okay, okay, I promise." I said, trying to shake off the irritable reaction. I should've known better to let her know. I was good at doing this stuff, just instinctively.

I just couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't being myself.

* * *

I avoided Al for three days.

This was reasonably significant for us. Ever since we started hanging out that summer, we hadn't gone a day without at least seeing each other once a day, either to go on a date, go for a drive, teaching me apparition (I was getting better at it!), or even just to play Exploding Snap. But I was embarrassed, and he wasn't exactly seeking me out.

This didn't make me feel any better.

I finally saw him the day before my family was leaving for camping for the three-day weekend. And I was nervous. Al and I were always stuck together whenever my siblings hung out, and since Eleni got a new toy dog, she'd been pretty busy. That meant no distractions.

I stood in front of my closet. A month ago, when I was doing this, I felt entirely different. I felt like I knew what I wanted, who I was. What changed? It was Al, but was it the smoking? The drugs? The drinking? This new style of life?

I just felt like I knew what I was doing wasn't exactly right, but I still wanted to. Maybe it was because of Al – that I just wanted him back so badly. Another part of me was pretty sure that I wanted that rush, because for some reason, I couldn't stand being bored.

But this rush came with insecurities, and the time I realized it most was when standing in front of the closet. It was really starting to scare me how much I wanted Al to think I was attractive.

Was this normal? It couldn't be.

I was jittery when the Potters arrived. I didn't know why; they came, greeted us, hugging happened, etcetera, etcetera. James went off with Victor, Lily went off with Addie, Eleni went off to play with her toy dog and Al and I were left standing in the hall awkwardly. I couldn't help noticing if he was going to bring anything up.

"You've been avoiding me," he said, looking down at his feet.

Well, that didn't take very long.

I tried not to show weakness. I had a bad habit of doing that. "It's not as though you tried to seek me out."

"I didn't think you wanted me to."

"I thought it was pretty obvious that I did," I said, ducking my head in embarrassment. He merely nodded and swung back and forth on his heels, reminding me of that habit he did as a kid. I shook my head and sighed. "Do you want to go outside?"

"On your roof?"

"Nah, just in the backyard."

"Sure." He followed me through the kitchen, past our parents and out through the back door. The sun was about to set, but it hadn't set yet, so it was still pretty warm. I slipped onto one of pool chairs. To my surprise, Al sat on the same one.

"So what have you been up to for the past couple of days?" he asked, oblivious to my discomfort (and, to my dismay, thrill) from our proximity.

"Nothing, really," I said, bringing my knees up to my chest. "Reading. Babysitting. Thinking. You?"

"Bit of the same, minus the babysitting," he said, fidgeting. "Went to a party the other night."

"Oh." I bit my lip. "Why didn't you ask me to go?"

"Erm…" He looked a bit nervous at that, but I didn't know why. "I guess after what happened at Kevin's apartment, I just wanted things to cool off for a bit."

"Oh," I repeated, shoulders falling. For some reason, I had a feeling that he was ashamed of me. Not interested. Not _attracted._ And that made my heart sink, stabbing me with this horrible feeling in my gut.

Why wasn't I good enough?

When I glanced back at him, Al was looking at me, almost nervously. "I wanted to show you something."

"What?"

"Al, Mandy! Come in for dinner!" my mum called, startling both of us. I hadn't even heard the door open. I quickly scrambled off the chair, not quite comfortable with being alone with Al yet.

He surprised me again by grabbing my arm gently. I looked back, and he let go; he really did seem nervous, and I didn't know why. He stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"Will you come to my room tonight?" he asked hopefully. "At about eleven. That's about when my parents fall asleep."

"I… okay," I agreed, nodding. His eyes lit up and he slipped my hand in his, pulling us back into the house. I, on the other hand was realizing that part of my agreeing was due to curiosity, despite the fact that I felt like he was going to tell me he didn't feel the same about me. That this whole affair had gone too far, and we had to stop. Another part of me was recognizing that there wasn't much I wouldn't do for Al.

Everything about this was really starting to scare me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

I was more than a little nervous.

I mean, could you blame me? A few days before, I'd slept in Al's bed - scratch that, a boy's bed - for the first time. I'd snuggled with him. Then I kissed him, and if it wasn't obvious how I really felt about him before, it was now.

Here's the thing: ever since I saw Al high and he had kissed my neck and touched me, we'd agreed that we couldn't do that thing if Abbey wasn't there - because then it was real, wasn't it? So when I kissed him this time, he knew it was real.

Merlin, I was so, _so _screwed.

Nevertheless, I'd agreed to go, so I did. Al's family left around ten o'clock, and I had an hour before I was going to leave. I was jittery with nerves, something my mum had noticed when she'd come in to say goodnight.

"Mandy, you look a little pale," she commented, sitting on my bed and putting a hand to my forehead. "Are you all right?"

I practically jumped, I was so edgy. "Of course! Yes! Completely normal!"

Her lips twitched. "You, normal?"

I shot a glare at her.

"Well, if you're feeling fine, good night," she said, kissing my forehead. I smiled weakly, remembering her lecture from a few nights ago.

"Hey, Mum?" I whispered nervously. "I might go over to Al's a bit later."

She froze in surprise, but quickly recovered. "Okay. Remember to be back by seven, so you can help set everything up for camping."

I nodded. "Deal."

"Do you have protection?" she asked seriously, entirely unashamed. My eyes widened.

"Mum!"

"Do you?" she asked persistently.

I faltered. "Erm, no. Not exactly. But Al and I aren't exactly there yet," I added quickly, before she could interrupt. "We're not going to... yeah."

She sat down on my bed. "Mandy, you know you don't have to do anything you're not ready to do."

"Yeah."

"And he can't force you to do anything," she emphasized, gently touching my arm. "Say no. Hex him."

"Al wouldn't force anything on me," I said uncertainly. I mean, I was pretty sure he wouldn't, but he was awfully unpredictable at times. But then again, he was the one who told me to wait until I was ready.

Oh, who was I kidding? He was going to break up with me!

"I know he's a good kid," she said, kissing my forehead again and standing. "Just be careful, Mandy."

"Okay," I said. My face was burning so badly and I knew it was bright red. I took a deep breath, and before I chickened out, I asked, "Mum, what do I wear?"

She stopped, back towards me. "Are you and Al definitely not..."

"No – not tonight," I whispered, embarrassed.

"Oh." She touched the end of the bed frame. "If you're sleeping over there, wear pajamas. Just be comfortable. If not, I don't think it matters, since your clothes will come off, either way."

I blushed. "_Mum_."

"Night," she said, winking before leaving my room. I groaned exasperatedly, lying down and slamming my head against the pillow.

Naked in front of Al. I already felt naked in front of the guy! I was not okay with the idea. If he wasn't attracted to me in clothes, I highly doubted he would be attracted to me without them. Not happening. No. Definitely not. I sighed and crawled out of bed, making my way to my closet.

At least now I knew what to wear.

* * *

Whoever said honesty is the best policy was on something.

At least, that's what I was thinking as I approached Al's window, shivering in my pyjamas. They weren't even lacy or anything. I just knew somewhere in my gut that nothing was going to happen that night, so I wasn't going to try to impress him. I didn't want to get my hopes up.

He jumped up from his desk chair when I knocked, hand immediately jumping to his hair. Al quickly hurried to the window to open it, and stepped back as I dropped inside of his room.

"Hey," I said, my voice coming out small and pathetic.

"Hey, Mandy," he greeted, sounding a whole lot more confident than I did. He shut the window and gently took a hold of my hand. "Any trouble sneaking out?"

"No, my mum knows I'm here."

"She's okay with that?" he asked, pulling me towards his bed and sitting down.

I shrugged and sat beside him. Why was he stalling? "Yeah. I think she's trying to be the 'Cool Mum' or something. Or just making sure I'm safe, because she trusts you."

He smiled at that. "Do _you_ trust me?"

"I think so." Truth was, I wasn't sure. Al was so unpredictable, and while I trusted the Old Al, the New Al wasn't quite trustworthy. I guess I didn't really trust him all that much unless he was acting… well, sort of how he was right then.

I ducked my head from his gaze, wondering why he didn't just get this over with, when he tightened his grip on my hand. To my surprise, he pulled me so I was lying down on his bed beside him, and my heart sped up.

"What are you doing?" I asked, a little breathless.

"I wanted to show you something," he said, still smiling as he put his arms around me. I swear my heart was about to go into overdrive as he took out his wand and flicked it so the lights went out.

What was going on?

I watched by moonlight as Al pointed his wand at his ceiling, muttering unintelligible words and furrowing his brow in concentration. He didn't seem to notice his arm tightening around me as he worked, or how everything inside me tingled as his lips brushed my ear a few moments later.

"Okay, look up," he whispered, glancing at me for a quick second, mumbling another incantation then putting his wand down on his beside table. He returned both arms around me and squeezed as I looked up at the ceiling. "Three… two… one."

_Whoa._

It was as though Al's ceiling had disappeared. His light at the middle of his ceiling was still hanging there, as though suspended, but it was off. We could see past it to the night sky, clear of clouds and stars littered across the darkness.

"Wait," I said quietly, turning to Al, "wasn't this what you were talking about a couple of weeks ago? Imitating the Great Hall ceiling?"

"Exactly," he said, grinning happily. "I realized it wasn't too hard – only N.E.W.T. level, and we're doing that this year. Only reason I can't do this to the Great Hall is because it's huge."

"Wow." Al brought me closer to him as I gazed up. "This is beautiful."

"It's going to be amazing when it rains," he agreed.

"Have you showed anyone else this?"

"No, of course not."

"Why not?" I asked, frowning. "This is really incredible magic, Al."

"Who else would I show?" he pointed out. I felt his hands softly stroking the sides of my hips, over my t-shirt. "It's not as though my friends would have any interest in this."

"What am I, a goat?" I joked, and he laughed. "I see what you mean. Your friends scare me."

"I wish they didn't." He bit the inside of his cheek. "But I guess I understand. They scare me too, sometimes. Enough to make me do stupid things, for their entertainment. Like I'm just a monkey to do their bidding."

I would've laughed, but he sounded so resentful. "Are you actually scared of your friends?"

"I…" He thought for a moment, then shook his head. "No. Not scared."

"Then why do you do the things they tell you to?" I asked softly, trying not to accuse him. Because I wasn't – not really. I was curious. I'd never seen Al as a pushover before.

"I don't know," he said, sounding frustrated and defeated. "Sometimes they don't tell me to do anything, you know? They just expect it, so I don't look like a pansy."

"I'm guessing this would be pansy-like behaviour," I teased, gesturing to the ceiling. To my dismay, he only sighed unhappily.

"Unfortunately." He looked nearly heartbroken as he spoke. "They're coming over tomorrow, so I'll have to switch it back."

I felt so bad for him, and I just wanted to make it better. But I knew this was more of a personal battle than my doing, so all I could do was hug him and press a tiny kiss to the base of his neck. He responded by forcing a small smile.

"What do you want, Al?" I asked, turning around and propping myself on my elbows to look at him. "Say you didn't have the friends you have, and you –"

"My friends aren't the only problem," he interrupted. "It's not just them, it's nearly everyone."

"What do you mean, everyone?"

"I mean my parents, too," he said, looking up at the stars. "They've done so much by the time they were my age. Practically saved the world. Dropped out of school and got a career. Did something meaningful with their lives." He chuckled sarcastically. "The only thing I've done is managed to become Prefect and get addicted to smoking."

"You don't smoke that much," I said, and he snorted.

"Right."

"Being Prefect is something to be proud of," I admitted. "I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of responsibility. I'm too busy slacking off. I don't really care about schoolwork."

"You handle Eleni," he told me. "I don't know how you do that. She listens to everything you say."

"No, she really doesn't," I said, laughing. "I love her, though. And I don't exactly follow the rules all that much, so she really loves when I babysit her."

Al rolled his eyes. "I don't think my parents would ever put me in charge of a little kid. They're always just asking for better and better, and I feel like I'm only capable of screwing up."

"That's not true."

"It is." He exhaled loudly, finding my hand and threading his fingers through it. "The media is tons of pressure, too. I know one day they'll catch me smoking, and it'll be a field day. If they catch me high, I will never hear the end of it. Or get a job."

"Everyone knows most of that is rumours," I said, lying back down and leaning my head on his shoulder. "You know that, too."

He was quiet for a moment.

"It's like a cycle," he explained quietly. "My parents put pressure on me to do everything perfectly – grades, friends, family. The media is either trying to get dirt on me or expecting perfection, like my parents. My friends want me to be constantly high or sleeping with some girl every night, and I don't want that." He squeezed my hand. "The worst part is that other people have all the power."

I frowned. "Wait, what?"

"They do, don't they?" he asked, sitting up against his pillows. "My parents have the power to kick me out. Even if I'm of age, I still listen to them. The media has the power to ruin my life with one story, even if it's a rumour." I turned around to look at him properly, but he was looking down at our connected hands. "My friends have the power to make me feel alone, or like a loser. There's no winning."

I closed my eyes. I'd thought these kind of things, too, but I'd never found it such a problem before. Sure, everyone had power to make you miserable, but there had to be a reason why people _weren't_ miserable. There had to be a way to overcome that.

"You can't care what they think," I said slowly, thinking as I spoke. "I know your parents are heroes, and they put pressure on you, but they love you. They won't hate you for screwing up. And," I added, before he could interrupt, "the media probably reports your dad's screw ups, too."

"But –"

"And I'm sorry, but I really don't like your friends," I said hurriedly, hoping he didn't hate me for saying this. "How can you call them your real friends when they can't accept you for who you are?"

"You overestimate me," he said, shaking his head. "I _like_ smoking. And weed. They help me forget all this shit. I don't like drinking much, though, since I just end up remembering everything after one too many. Only the pain is worse when you're drinking," he added sadly.

I bit my lip. I felt like strangling him and hugging him all at once. "Al, what do _you _want? Forgetting what your parents and society and your friends say. What would you do if they weren't here?"

He sighed and brought me into him, my back against his chest, his arms around my waist. "It's silly."

"Nothing sounds silly to me," I joked lightly.

"I guess," he said, smiling weakly. He pressed his face in my hair, and I felt his lips near my ear. I felt a shiver run down my spine as he spoke. "I guess I'd like to travel. My parents like travelling, but I don't want to do it for them." He paused. "I want to go places."

"So do I," I said softly. "What's wrong with that?"

"Because with everyone, there always needs to be a goal," he explained. "That's why this is a cycle. No matter what you do, you have to live up to someone's expectations."

"That's not a cycle," I argued.

"It is." I could feel his lips on my neck as he whispered. "Because if you live up to their expectations, you haven't lived up to your own."

_Oh._

Things were starting to become clearer. Why he was so resentful and bitter. He sounded tired, like he'd been travelling and fighting in this cycle for years, and failing. Because he was right: thinking this way meant there was no way out. It was a cycle. There was no winning this if he played this game.

But that was the loophole.

"Al, I want you to understand that I don't want to force my expectations on you," I told him, "because I don't think I have any. Other than you being who you are, the best way you can. And that should be your expectation, as well as your _only_ expectation."

"I – what?"

"Fuck everyone else," I announced boldly, turning around to look at him. "Fuck their expectations, what they think of you and what _they_ want. Why does it matter? Are they living your life, or are you?"

He was speechless.

"You're trapped in a cycle that doesn't need to exist," I told him, scooting closer and grabbing both of his hands. "And I know I haven't lived the same life as you have, and I'm not famous, and I don't have your problems. But I do know that there's no point in living for other people. There's no point in hating yourself in a ten years for never being good enough."

He looked down guiltily, and I felt like something stabbed me in the gut.

He already did.

"Please just do what you want, Al," I said, practically pleading. "Do something in your life. Don't just wait for them to accept you for who you are, because they're never going to." I held up his hands and pressed my lips against them. "I promise I'll always be here. Just in case."

You know. If he didn't break up with me.

Instead, his expression softened, and he leaned in and kissed me.

I felt like my insides had started dancing. It was finally making sense. He didn't ask me to come over to break up with me, he asked me because he'd been working on this magic, and I was the one who would really appreciate it. Maybe because he trusted me. Because I gave him reason to. Maybe he liked me back.

Al's hands slipped out of mine and gripped at my waist, pulling me closer as I started to kiss him back. I had an overwhelming feeling of giddiness – was this actually happening? For the last three days – maybe even longer – I'd been tripping over myself, trying to figure out if there was even a chance he fancied me back. Just when I'd given up, he'd finally shown me.

I think my giddy mood was justified.

I tried not to, but I couldn't help but letting a smile spread across my lips. He chuckled and gently pushed me backwards; I fell onto his bed, Al tumbling on top of me and still pressing kisses to my lips. I was pretty sure my heart was about to go haywire.

There was something about the way he was kissing me that made me realize how much I hadn't liked kissing Al before. It was always needy, rough, bruising, desperate - forceful. It wasn't passionate, like in the movies. It was heartless.

But _this_. This was so much different, so much... better. It was soft and insistent at the same time. Definitely passionate. Like he was savouring each kiss, but also urgent in a way that he wanted more.

Like he _wanted_ to kiss me.

And now that I'd felt this, I never wanted to stop.

Al hummed, his deep voice rumbling in his chest before his lips dipped down to my neck, his hands pushing my shirt higher and higher. Feeling a burst of courage, I leaned back and pulled my shirt over my head. If he was surprised, he didn't show it; he only went back to kissing my neck, making his way down towards what I'd just uncovered.

This was adrenaline. Pure adrenaline. What I loved about it was that it wasn't just a rush, it was almost like _fear – _the good kind. Not the kind I felt when Kevin was degrading me, or if I somehow happened to be faced at wand point with someone who wanted to kill me. No, this was the kind of fear that came out of trying something new, something exciting.

Al pulled off his shirt before kissing me again, collapsing onto the bed and pulling me atop of him. I knew I was blushing furiously – Al was the first guy who I'd ever really snogged, let alone been topless in front of. This was the furthest I'd ever gone – and I had a feeling we weren't done yet.

I was definitely realizing how _easy_ it was to get carried away.

I tried not to let my nerves get in the way the way, but he was just so _good_ at this. His mouth coaxed over mine, and though it was familiar since we'd snogged before, it was still different. He tasted the same, though less of cigarettes and alcohol and more of the pie we ate for dessert. My head was spinning as his hands moved down from my hips, but rather than taking them off like I'd expected, his hand had moved into my pyjamas.

I was sure Al could tell he'd surprised me, because he flipped us over again, keeping his hand still. His other hand curled around the side of my neck as he kissed me deeply, calming me. Only when I'd relaxed did he continue.

Holy fuck that felt really good.

I moaned quietly, and he went back to kissing and sucking my collarbone again. I didn't know what he was doing, but whatever it was, I wasn't exactly keen on him stopping. But at the same time, I knew we were getting closer to something I hadn't prepared for – physically _or_ mentally – and that was freaking me out.

That was also strange to me. I never prepared for new things – that's what made it _fun_, didn't it? But I didn't want this to be fun, I wanted it to mean something, and I was starting to get a little scared. I mean, Al knew of my inexperience. Was he okay with that? Was he going to take that into consideration?

"Hey, hey," Al murmured against my neck. His hands were moving my pyjamas down, and I was trying to wriggle them off. He pulled them off and stilled my hips in a tight grip, moving his eyes to level with mine. He was smiling, slightly. "Slow down."

I took a deep breath. I was starting to panic. "Okay."

He kissed me again, trying to calm me, but that wasn't exactly working when he was taking off his own pyjamas. There were only small, thin layers between us, and they weren't even covering our whole bodies. On one hand, this felt really good – _really_ good – but on the other hand, I was cold and shivering and my heart was beating so hard it was painful.

Al's knees moved on either side of me, and I felt a jolt run through me as our hips connected. His hands trailed up my bare sides to my back, fumbling with my bra. My very plain bra. I was wearing very plain underwear. Shit, I'd already messed up.

"Mandy," he whispered, his breath brushing over my skin. "Calm down."

"Will it hurt?" I blurted out. My voice was small and shaking. My body was shaking. I had a feeling it had nothing to do with the cold.

He kissed the side of my neck. "Not if you relax."

"I don't know what I'm doing," I admitted quietly. And then I wanted to immediately take those words back, because _of course _I didn't,I'd never done this before, but by acknowledging it, I was practically opening to doors for him to tease me – _again._ I cringed away from his touch, expecting him to laugh. Or to point out how badly I'd been doing so far.

To my surprise, he pressed his forehead to mine and kissed me lightly. "You're doing fine. Nobody really knows what they're doing."

"Don't you know?"

"Sort of," he said, giving me a small smile. "Just go with your instincts."

I didn't say anything. Didn't move. I was too afraid to.

Al kissed me again, his hands running up and down my bare arms, trying to get me to relax. It was warm, like heat was spreading through my torso. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck and kissed him back, because that's all I knew how to do. He seemed to be fine with that.

After he'd managed to get my bra undone, he slipped it off and began kissing around my chest. I felt like I'd begun to hold my breath even though my breathing was erratic. I couldn't even imagine what Al was thinking of me at this point. Whether he was impressed or turned on or not.

He certainly wasn't _saying_ anything.

Was I expecting that, though? Was I expecting the romantic scene? Candles or bed of roses or some shit like that? Not really. We were sort of under the stars, I suppose. I was expecting love, but I just felt uneasy.

I mean… I didn't love him, did I?

Al began kissing me again, pressing his lips against mine softly, frequently, reassuringly. Since I wasn't kissing back anymore. I think he assumed I was just nervous, and while that was entirely true, I was definitely panicking.

But this time, it was for an entirely different reason.

Because Al wasn't recognizable. He wasn't the Al I'd known back then, because he grew up. He wasn't that shy little kid who only had one friend and was picked on by his brother. But I couldn't recognize him as New Al, the guy who partied and smoked and drank and did drugs. The guy who was using me to make someone jealous.

He wasn't that guy at the moment. He wasn't either of them.

And it finally, _finally_ occurred to me that there was no 'Old Al' or 'New Al'. Al was a _person, _someone who had a bunch of different sides to him. He was sweet and shy, but he also thought too much, read too much and was too bitter about things that were well beyond his years. I didn't know who this guy was, and I may have loved who he used to be, but I didn't love him anymore. Not yet.

Here's what I'd always believed: no matter when it happens, it shouldn't be something you second-guess. At the least, even if you're nervous, you shouldn't be wondering about the person you're having it with – whether he loves you or not. Sure, you could second-guess if you're ready, but I've always believed that if you're with the right person, you wouldn't question if you should be doing the act itself – only _when._

_When_ was not the question running through my mind.

But I couldn't deny the attraction, could I? It was definitely there, among the panic and fear. And I knew that as long as Al was my friend, I would be there for him. Always. There was no question about that. But I couldn't love someone I was only beginning to know.

The question became whether I was really going to do this. Whether I was going to shag someone I didn't know that well, who I _knew_ I didn't love. Whether I was going to have sex for the first time with someone I couldn't trust half the time, and who I was still scared was going to pull away and begin taunting me.

And despite all this… what if he was still using me? How did I know for sure?

My mind was spinning, as though it was blurring my vision, so I shut my eyes, but it didn't help. My heart was beating so fast and so loudly and so painfully, and this wasn't like anything I'd ever felt before, this was _too much_ adrenaline, if there was such a thing, because I was trembling everywhere, goose bumps spreading across my skin like wildfire, and holy _fuck_ we were naked and this was really going to happen, and I didn't love him, I didn't –

"Mandy?" Al's voice was cutting through the haze, like it was wavering over me. Like I was high again, but I really, really wasn't. I felt his hands grasp the sides of my jaw, and I slowly opened my eyes. He looked worried. "Mandy, are you okay?"

I shut my eyes again. Everything was still spinning.

"Mandy…" Al slowly shifted me, his hands lifting my back so I was sitting. I was trying to breathe properly, but I didn't know what was happening. Why I was so scared, why I had to be in love with him, why I was so scared despite the fact that I'd known him for so many years, why I couldn't stop thinking about what he would say, what he would tell his friends, how he thought of me.

_'Did you fuck the bitch out of her yet?'_

"Shh…" Al whispered, wiping under my eyes with his thumb. I didn't even know I was crying. I never cried. He brought his arms around me, shifting my face into his bare chest, trying to comfort me. But I couldn't help it; I pushed him away and wrapped my arms tightly around myself.

"Mandy?" he asked quietly, and I looked up. He looked scared too, but for me. "Do you want me to just give you a minute?" I nodded, and he hastily gathered his stray clothes. "I'll just be in the bathroom if you need me."

"Okay," I croaked out, wiping stray tears. As soon as he shut the door, I dressed again, already feeling a bit better. But not entirely. I couldn't believe I'd just had a panic attack over this. How many people had sex without being in love? How many people had sex before the age of seventeen? What was wrong with me?

Scratch that – _now_ I'd never felt more embarrassed.

Wiping my eyes for the last time, I gave a loud sniff and headed back to Al's window. I didn't want to see his expression, or hear what he was going to say. I didn't think I could handle that at the moment. I unlocked and opened the window, on the verge of climbing out when I heard his voice behind me.

"You're not leaving, are you?"

I tried to wrap my arms around me to stop myself from shaking. I was still dizzy, and even though I was considerably calmer, I still didn't feel okay. And I wasn't ready to have my heart ripped out just yet.

I didn't notice Al come up behind me, and he didn't seem to mind when I jumped when he pulled me into him. But this time, it was better, not claustrophobic. He felt warm and comforting. In all honestly, that's how he'd been for the entire night, and I'd done nothing but be afraid. I had no reason to. Not really.

As though he knew what I was thinking, he squeezed me. "Stop it. It's fine, you know that."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For freaking out," I whispered, wiping my eyes again. "I didn't mean to."

"We went too fast, anyway," he said nonchalantly, leading me back to his bed. He lay me down under the covers before he joined me, insisting on keeping his arms around me. I knew I'd scared him and he wanted to make me feel better, but it felt wrong, somehow. "Slower next time, okay?"

I buried my face in his t-shirt. "I guess I wasn't ready."

"No kidding," he teased, kissing the top of my head. "You don't have to get the whole virginity thing over with, Mandy. I know I said I would do it, but I don't want you to."

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"Because…" He trailed off, pulling me closer. "I dunno. You were my best friend for a really long time, and now you are again. You're the only one who isn't asking me for something. Or for me to be something." He kissed my hair again. "I guess, in your words, I want you to mean it."

I didn't say anything. Things didn't quite seem so wrong anymore.

I felt shifting as Al got his wand to shut the window. As soon as I heard it click shut, he wrapped himself tightly around me, kissing me quickly before burying his face in my hair. He rocked me back and forth, whispering in my ear. "I'm sorry. Please stay." And I didn't move.

I could love Al. Really love him.

If only I could trust him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

I woke up feeling very warm and comfortable.

I always woke when the sun rose, and at the moment, it was peeking into Al's window. I blinked a little, rolling over on my back to watch the now transparent ceiling. The sky was still dark, bursts of sunlight streaking across the clouds in purples and oranges.

Suddenly, the night washed over me in a rush of guilt and embarrassment, and I resisted groaning out loud. Merlin, had I really had a panic attack and _cried?_ I didn't understand any of this, really. I'd always liked trying new things, and if I was being entirely honest with myself, it was… _good_. Whatever we were doing. It felt good.

It was real. But for some reason, the rush wasn't worth it.

I'd never thought that before.

Why had I been so scared?

I bit my lip, staring at the brightening sky. Fear wasn't something I was used to. I'd never been scared of things before. I wasn't scared of smoking or drugs or drinking – but Kevin scared me. And now I was, for some reason, scared of having sex.

Maybe it was because I wanted love, and I'd never realized it. My entire life, I'd grown up with very loving parents. Mr. and Mrs. Potter were equally affectionate. These lessons, morals I knew – having sex with someone you love, and being able to trust them completely – had been practically drilled into my mind.

Maybe, despite all the risk-taking and adventure and adrenaline, I needed a bit of safety. Maybe I couldn't handle not trusting Al and also sharing that level of intimacy with him, because that's all I'd ever really known. Or maybe it was because all I could hear was Kevin's voice in my mind.

'_Did you fuck the bitch out of her yet?'_

Maybe I was scared of that.

I shook the thoughts of my mind and yawned. Al wasn't in his bed, but for some reason, I felt like I was wrapped in some sort of heated cocoon. That's when I realized the blankets were wrapped tightly around me. Like someone had tucked me into them.

Dammit, that boy was sweet.

I wiggled out of the blankets and sat up, rubbing my eyes. I heard some noise in Al's bathroom, before he came out, half-asleep, toothbrush stuck in his mouth and his hair sticking out in all angles. He looked over to me and I blushed, suddenly self-conscious.

After all, it kind of was The Morning After Nothing Happened.

Awkward.

"Hey," he blurted out into the awkward silence, voice muffled. "I have… I have an extra toothbrush, if you want it."

I blinked a couple of times. "What time is it?"

"About quarter past five."

"Why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep," he said, shrugging before moving back into the bathroom. I followed him inside the tiny room, finding him hunched over under his sink, searching in the cabinet. I may or may not have been staring, despite the fact that I'd already seen him naked the night before.

Hey, he has a nice arse.

He handed me a toothbrush in paper packaging before spitting toothpaste out into his sink, rinsing his mouth and leaving the bathroom. Sleepily, I began brushing my teeth, turning back and leaning against the doorframe. Then I nearly spit the toothpaste out of my mouth.

I swear, I'd never been so hormonal before. But I'm sure anyone would've drooled at the sight of Al taking off his shirt, muscles stretching and flexing. His hair just looked so soft – it was freaking _sex hair, _for Merlin's sake – and I have mentioned before that his chest was definitely well-defined… and his arms… his _forearms…_ and his pyjamas were hanging loosely off his hips. Perfectly.

And then he caught my gaze.

Shit, my staring was not discreet at _all._

"Erm, sorry," he said, entirely unashamed. I could see him trying not to smirk. "It's just kind of hot in here…"

_No kidding._

"It's okay," I stammered, turning around and focusing on brushing my teeth. I could see in the mirror that my face had turned a bright red. Attractive. I spit out the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth, thinking of an excuse to why I'd been staring.

To my surprise, Al came back into the bathroom. I was about to ask if he needed it before he slipped his arms around me, pressing himself up against my back and dropping his chin on my shoulder.

"Morning," he hummed sleepily, kissing my neck.

"Umm." My mouth had stopped working. Really. Wonder why? "Morning."

"You sleep okay?"

"Mhmm." My heart was starting to beat much too fast for this early in the morning. "Are you high?"

"No, too early for that," he murmured, kissing the skin between my neck and my shoulder. "Besides, I don't need it right now." I stared at us in the mirror – me, face bright red, looking somewhere between turned on and absolutely terrified, and Al, shirtless and pressing lazy kisses around my neck.

He lifted his chin off my shoulder and twisted me around, immediately going back to kissing my neck. The moment was so hazy, in between sleep and completely alert, and it felt _amazing,_ honestly. Al pressed me against the door on our left, beginning to suck hard at the side of my neck. I let out a tiny moan. I felt like my legs were turning into jelly.

His lips found mine, and he tasted like toothpaste, kissing me hungrily yet sleepily. It was practically addictive, it was so good. My hands were resting on his chest, then without realizing it, my fingers were tracing his skin. He moaned and gripped at my thighs, moving slowly to my arse. I was losing all sense, I knew I was, especially when I found myself wrapping my legs around him and holding tightly onto his shoulders.

He pulled away from my lips, momentarily surprised, but didn't even bother to open his eyes before he was kissing me again. Then he was pressing his hips into mine, making my gasp against his lips. I felt my body slowly molding into his, hoping he didn't notice how fast my heart was beating as my chest pressed against his.

Then he was moving - we were moving - shifting back into his room. I put my feet on the ground as he pushed me against another wall, hands burying themselves in my hair, not stopping in pressing his lips against mine. We were blindly bumping into things, not caring, not thinking as we continued snogging.

I didn't want to think, even when I fell backwards onto his bed, Al landing on top of me. He shifted his weight so he wasn't squishing me and went to kissing my jaw. I was almost embarrassed how hard I was breathing, if Al wasn't equally out of breath. Despite it all, when Al's hands slid down my sides and moved to my chest, my breath hitched.

He kissed up my jaw to under my ear, and a shiver ran through my spine. Through my body. His hands were gentle, touching me carefully, like he knew everything was so new to me. And he did know. His kisses seemed to slow down, as though he were speaking to me. Telling me not to be nervous.

I moaned quietly as his mouth descended on mine again. His hands were moving down into my pyjamas again, slower than before, even slower than last night. And I wasn't subconsciously trying to get it over with, moving as fast as I could. I was just enjoying the moment.

"Mandy," Al whispered against my lips. "This is okay, right?"

"Mhmm," I hummed contentedly, not opening my eyes. I heard him chuckle softly before pressing a light kiss to my jaw.

"Tell me if I hurt you."

"We're not..." I opened my eyes. He was so close. "We're not having sex, are we?"

"Hadn't planned on it," he confirmed. "We should wait. I don't want to do it yet."

I sighed in relief. "Me neither."

"But there's other stuff we can do," he said, grinning impishly before beginning to move his hand. He captured my lips again, swallowing my moan as he immediately deepened the kiss.

I didn't know how long we lay there, kissing, touching, entangled in each other and his sheets. That warm feeling I'd woken up with had come back and soon, we snuggled back under the blankets. We weren't even doing anything anymore. Just wrapped up in each other.

I listened to his breathing, quiet and steady. His eyes were closed, fingers stroking my hip lightly underneath my shirt. They slowed after a while, eventually stopping, and I thought he'd finally fallen asleep - until he spoke.

"Mandy?" he murmured.

"Yeah?"

"What did I do that scared you last night?"

I opened my eyes, searching his bright green ones. I found worry and guilt, like he'd been wondering for ages. All night.

I kissed him lightly. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? I liked it. I wanted to do it."

"But you -"

"I scared myself," I admitted, tracing a muscle in his arm. "I got too caught up in it all. Wasn't mentally prepared."

"Oh." He let out a breath. "So it wasn't me?"

"No. It…" I hesitated, not sure of how he would take this. "I think it might've been Kevin."

Al looked confused. "But he's not here."

I pressed my forehead against his chest to avoid looking at him. "I know. Just the things he says. Stuff about girls and sex. It really scares me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I won't hurt you."

"I hope not, but..." I bit my lip. "But what about Abbey? This whole thing started because of her, and I know you fancy her, but then what are we doing?"

He stayed silent for a heart-stopping moment before ducking down to kiss me. "I don't think I've really liked her for a while."

"Are you sure?" I said skeptically, trying not to sound too hopeful. "I mean, she's prettier, way skinnier than me, she has really nice clothes, she smokes too and she can hold her liquor way better than I can -"

He cut me off with his lips again. Thankfully. I was getting in the bad habit of blurting out everything vulnerable about myself.

We broke apart after a minute, foreheads still pressed together. He moved a strand of hair away from my face. I was trying to bite back my smile - that he actually fancied me. That my hope wasn't in vain.

"I wish you didn't have to leave," he said quietly, breath brushing over my lips. "I'd like to take you out when you get back from camping."

I couldn't hold my smile back any longer. "Okay."

He grinned at me – half-sleepy, entirely genuine. Not smirking, not condescending, not arrogantly. It struck me how little I'd seen him smile, _really_ smile, like he was content with where he was and how things were. And then I realized it was probably because he really wasn't happy, and I finally understood why.

But this was his own battle to fight, and as much as I wanted to help him, he was better off solving this puzzle on his own. I just wanted to be that person he trusted wouldn't leave, because I wouldn't. Not if he needed me.

I looked up at the ceiling. The sun had risen, streaming sunlight into Al's bedroom. I saw that in the midst of our snogging, we'd knocked down quite a few books – on his bookshelf, some stacked on his desk, a pile on the floor…

"Your room is like a library," I commented.

Al laughed and began to trace his finger over my hips again. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"Good," I chuckled. My eyes strained to read the titles. It seemed that Al never threw out or gave away any books – he still had some from our old muggle school, not to mention his textbooks from first year. It seemed like he had everything, even muggle books. It was a wonder I never saw his nose stuck in a book all the time.

My gaze strayed to the walls. He had a few posters of Quidditch teams and a few bands, but the wall above his desk contained frames and frames of pictures. I could see the pictures that Mrs. Potter had clearly put up, of Al as a baby to him growing up. It clearly stopped around the age of thirteen – probably when he didn't allow anyone in his room anymore. He didn't take them down, or a family portrait. He couldn't have been more than three years old in that picture. I saw various pictures, mostly his family, none of his friends. Except –

"That's us," I said suddenly, almost a little too loudly.

"Hmm?" he hummed sleepily.

"In the picture," I said, sitting up and squinting towards the picture. In a tiny black frame off to the side was a picture of Al and I, around nine years old, all muddy and laughing. "That's us."

He sat up and followed my gaze, giving a little chuckle. "Oh yeah."

"I miss those times," I told him quietly. "Remember when you used to come camping with us?"

He nodded, still smiling. "We stole all the marshmallows."

I giggled – actually _giggled_ – and he pressed a kiss to my shoulder.

"Do you want to come camping?" I asked. "There's still time, if you want to."

"I can't," he said sadly, leaning back down onto the pillows, pulling me beside him. "Kevin and Steve are staying over for the long weekend. They'll be here soon, actually."

"Soon?" I asked, glancing at the clock. It was only six-thirty.

"Ten-ish." He put his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. "They sort of invited themselves over. I guess they're tired of their own crappy cooking and want to mooch off me. Or my mum, really."

"And you have to get rid of this," I said, nodding towards the ceiling that had allowed the room to brighten considerably.

"Yup. Although they're not staying here," he added. "It's too small, thankfully. I don't really want them looking through my shit."

I turned back to him; he seemed far away, worried again. Always anxious about his friends. I've never really been that concerned or apprehensive when it came to my best friend, Nell. We hadn't even seen each other for a month, but I just knew that it didn't matter how long it would be, just that when we saw each other, there'd be a lot of catching up to do. It wasn't a big deal.

He relaxed a little when I kissed the underside of his jaw, letting his eyes flutter shut. I began kissing down to his neck, trying to imitate how he did it. I wasn't sure if it was doing anything or not; he inhaled sharply as I pressed my lips against his pulse point, my hands coming to rest on his chest. Still bare chest.

The next thing I knew, he'd ducked down and captured my lips with his – a deep, drawn-out kiss that left me breathless. He broke away, not opening his eyes as I pressed my forehead to his.

"I have to go soon," I whispered.

"I know."

"I need a shower before helping my family pack."

"Please don't make me envision you showering."

I laughed softly, and he kissed me again.

"I'll come help you out a bit later," he said, fingers lingering on my collarbone. "I'm going to take a nap, first."

"Since you were up all night," I teased, getting up and unlocking his window. "Worrying about nothing, as usual."

"You're not nothing," he whispered, so quietly I wondered if I was meant to hear it.

Blushing, I kissed him once more before climbing out.

* * *

"I thought Ravenclaws were supposed to be logical. And smart."

"We _are._"

"Do you mind demonstrating these skills anytime soon?"

"We don't even have all your shit in here," Al grumbled, crossing his arms as I successfully managed to rearrange my family's things in the back of the van – namely, trying to find a place for all of Addie's clothes. The rest of my family was inside, packing bags, making food or trying to get Eleni to stop trying to bring all her toys.

I was pretty glad I didn't have that job.

"I can rearrange it once all of it is in there," Al said defensively.

"Just admit you suck at this," I said from inside the trunk, moving a sleeping bag over to shove the cooler in the front. I turned around to Al, sitting on the edge of the trunk. "All you're good for is muscles."

"So you've noticed, huh?" he said, smirking and flexing a little. I rolled my eyes, and he laughed, leaning towards me. I really loved how free his laugh was. He nuzzled my neck before kissing me quickly. "All right, I'll get more stuff from the house."

"Okay." I turned around to rearrange the trunk a bit more, standing inside the van, leaning over the cooler and shifting more bags. My family had two cars: one small car from when it was just Victor, Addie and I, and a van for when Eleni came along. We decided to only take the van on family road trips or camping, but unfortunately, Addie never really understood the concept of 'packing light.'

I was still moving bags around when I heard footsteps towards the car, assuming it was Al coming back with more stuff. I was just about the move out of the way when he smacked me. On the arse.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I demanded, spinning around. But instead of meeting Al's playful smirk, like I'd expected, I found Kevin. Whose voice I'd been hearing in my head for way too long.

Shit.

I made some sort of squeak and fell back again the cooler. He looked a little drunk, leaning his forearm against the top of the van – and then he was leaning over, pressing a hand against the large cooler, so that he was literally towering over me.

I was having a little trouble breathing at this point.

"Hey, Mandy," he said smoothly, obviously enjoying this. "Seen Al around?"

I tried to speak, but that didn't quite work out.

I think I managed to expel some air.

"You all right, Mandy?" He placed a hand on the top of my thigh, and for some reason, it was worse than Steve. Much, much worse. I cringed and tried to move back some more, but the cooler behind me wouldn't budge.

"I – I'm fine," I squeaked out. "Could you – could you get off of me?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked innocently, sliding his hand farther up my thigh, creeping up my skin. I tried not to show I was panicking, but I was. I felt paralyzed by my fear, and I couldn't understand why.

_Mandy, just move,_ I thought desperately. _Get out, kick him where it hurts, _do _something –_

"What the hell are you doing?" said a voice. A moment later, Kevin's hand was gone and he was leaning away, shrugging at Steve and still grinning widely.

"Just teasing Mandy a little," he said in that innocent voice. Steve frowned, opening his mouth to say something.

"Oh." I whipped around to see Al, carrying another bag, smile visibly drooping. "Guys. You're here."

"We are," Kevin announced loudly, digging in his pockets and coming up with a fag. "I am seriously concerned about you."

I looked to Al, who just looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

Then they – or Kevin, really, Steve just looked very confused – were dragging Al off to his house, past the front porch, around the side. I took in a deep breath, trying to make sense of what just happened.

Al said Kevin wouldn't hurt me, but I felt like I had a reason to be scared.

But would he really go that far?

After I'd calmed down, I realized that Al hadn't put down the bag that he'd brought from my house. I quickly jogged over to his house, following where he'd disappeared. And I guess I'll admit I couldn't help but eavesdrop a little.

I was getting the bag. Really. I was.

As I approached the corner, I heard Kevin's loud voice.

"… I think you're in too deep."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Al countered back, sounding both defensive and tired.

"Come on, Al. This is _Mandy Mullens_."

"So?"

"You hate her!"

"I don't hate her anymore."

"Mate, you realize you've fallen for the ugliest bitch at Hogwarts?" I froze. Kevin was waiting for an answer, but Al wasn't saying anything – why wasn't he saying anything?

Did he believe them?

"I mean, this isn't going to help his reputation," Steve said slowly, as though easing through the tension.

"No shit – you realize that you could've chosen any other girl in our year, and it would've been better?" Kevin said loudly. So loudly. His words echoed in my ears, over and over.

I couldn't breathe.

Was I really the least attractive girl in our year?

"Kevin's got a point." I wanted to punch Steve so badly. "That girl is _weird, _don't you think? And she always has her hair up, dresses like a boy – I think I confused her for a boy a couple of times."

"Small boobs, small arse," Kevin added. "Not your type, Al. I don't know what you see in her."

I looked down to my clothes. I was wearing stuff for camping – an old t-shirt and long shorts. They were a bit baggy, but I wasn't really into wearing skin-tight clothing.

I suddenly found myself turning on my heel and running back into my house. Everything was a blur as I rushed upstairs to the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

I stood in front of the full-length mirror behind the door, blinking tears out of my eyes, trying to see what they saw. My chest had never been huge, but I thought I was average – but even if I pinched my shirt tightly around me, they were still small. My shorts went down to my knees – maybe a bit below. My hair was up.

"Mandy?" Victor called through the door, knocking a little.

I didn't answer, still staring at my reflection.

"Mandy?" he called again. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said weakly, swallowing forcing the tears back. "Yeah, I'm fine." I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror, what I'd never seen before. What I'd never cared about before.

_The ugliest bitch at Hogwarts._

And for some reason, I couldn't stop seeing it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

Victor was waiting for me when I got out of the bathroom, tapping his foot impatiently. Underneath it all, I could see he was concerned, but probably annoyed I was being all discreet and locking myself in the bathroom for ten minutes.

"Well, it's about time," he said, faking annoyance. "What were you doing, writing a novel in there?"

I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the ground.

His irritation seemed to vanish. "Mandy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, trying to dart around him. He grabbed my arms instead, holding me still. Stupid boy strength.

"What happened?" he demanded. "Did Al say something?"

_Well, it was more of what he _didn't_ say_, I thought.

"You're not going to go all big-brother protective on me, are you?" I joked, swallowing back the lump in my throat. His lips twitched.

"Tell me what he said."

"He didn't say anything," I mumbled, shuffling out of Victor's grip. "Don't worry, it's just girly problems."

Before he could say another word, I fled downstairs.

When had I started running away, exactly?

* * *

Technically, we were ready to go camping.

Al had dropped off the bag at some point, and I shifted everything so all our things fit in the car. We had giant water bottles filled and jammed into the cup holders. Eleni's sippy cup and stuffed animals were close to her car seat, in case she needed them. Addie and Victor had taken the backseat of the van, so I was stuck entertaining Eleni for the road trip.

Technically, we were ready. But I wasn't sure I wanted to leave after what happened.

I'd changed my clothes. Or tried to. I realized there wasn't much choice. I ditched the shirt for a plain, blue tank top. After rummaging through my closet for a few minutes, I groaned and stepped back, staring into all the non-girly clothes I'd decided to buy over the years.

I mean, I couldn't wear a _skirt _to go camping!

"Hey," a voice murmured softly in my ear, causing me to jump. Al slid his arms around my waist and pressed his body up against mine. "What're you doing?"

"Nothing," I said breathlessly, trying not to squeak. "What are you doing here?"

"Just wanted to say goodbye before you leave," he said, kissing the back of my neck before turning me around. He was smiling that same smile he'd woken up with.

"Where are your friends?" I asked shakily.

His shoulders slumped slightly. "Setting up their sleeping bags in the basement. Picking movies. Eating. You know."

"Being arseholes," I added.

"I guess," he said gently, reaching behind my head to let my hair out of its ponytail. He'd done it so many times before, but this time, I cringed. "Steve's not as bad as Kevin."

"Yeah, I know," I said, turning away. Al frowned, and I swallowed another rising lump in my throat before just spitting it out. And I knew he wouldn't like it, but I had to tell him. "Kevin was touching me."

"He… _what?_" he spluttered.

My face was burning. More than the touching, Kevin's comments bothered me, but I wasn't about to tell Al that. I took a deep breath. "Before you came out with the bag. Kevin was… you know."

He groaned loudly, running a hand through his hair. "Bloody hell – are you okay?"

I shrugged. "He didn't _hurt_ me, I just kind of felt… horribly violated." Al cringed and wrapped his arms around me. I laid my head on his shoulder. "I don't know why, but I just freeze up around him. He really scares me."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

"It's not your fault."

"Mandy, I…" Al trailed off, looking in the general direction of his house, jaw tightening. "I can't believe he would do that."

"You don't believe me?" I asked in disbelief, pulling away.

"No, I do," he said hastily. "I just… why didn't you do anything?"

My jaw dropped.

Did he _really_ just ask that?

"'_Why didn't I do anything_'?" I said sharply, stepping back. "Why do you _think_? I didn't _want_ him to touch me, if that's what –"

"That's not what I said!" he protested, clearly pissed off. "Why didn't you tell him to stop?"

"I did!"

"Then he would've stopped!"

"Well he clearly _didn't_," I said firmly, crossing my arms and turning on my heel. I tried to mask my hurt; did the night before even matter to him? Or did he feed me bullshit? Why was he defending his friends?

"_Mandy_," Al groaned, catching up with me, following me downstairs. "Look, that's not what I meant."

"Right."

"I meant that it doesn't sound like you to not punch him in the nose," he explained, trying to catch a peek at my face through my hair. "Know what I mean?"

"No."

"Come on, I believe you!" he exclaimed as I walked outside. My family was apparently still in the house, probably looking for last minute things we'd forgotten. This gave him a chance to jog in front of me and force his arms around me and stop in my tracks.

"Why don't you care?" I spat out.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Of course I care."

"No, you don't," I said, shaking my head. Hurt was evident in my voice, and I hated it. "If you cared at all, even as friends, even for me as a _person,_ it wouldn't be me you're fighting with."

"You… you want me to confront _Kevin_?" he asked, as though he'd never considered it.

Why hadn't he considered it?

I looked at him in disbelief. And perhaps myself, if I could. Not only had Al failed to inherit this trait that _every boy_ seemed to have, I was actually searching for it. I wanted him to stick up for me. I wanted him to be my fucking knight in shining armour.

I was pretty sure I'd hit rock bottom.

Al pulled me close again, wrapping his arms around me, like his was enclosing me in his hold. Protecting me, without actually protecting me. Why did I like this so much? _Want _this so much? I could take care of myself, for Merlin's sake.

"I'm sorry, I do care," he said softly. He dropped a light kiss on my lips. "It's just that –"

"HEY, AL!"

We both froze. I peeked over Al's shoulder, and sure enough, Kevin and Steve were bounding towards us, laughing and being arseholes, as usual. Al immediately untangled himself from me, but kept a firm grip on my hand.

"Hey, it's the boy next door!" Kevin boomed as he approached us, grinning at Al. "I didn't know you swung that way."

I felt like shrinking into myself as they laughed, but stood my ground, looking at Al. I wanted to see if it was just a fluke. That he only put up with their teasing before, didn't believe I really looked like a boy, and he'd stick up for me this time. I mean, I was right there. Obviously hurt.

To my dismay, he squeezed my hand.

And that's _all_ he did.

"You know what?" I mumbled, slipping my hand out of his. "I think I'm done here."

Al swallowed hard, but his friends didn't notice. They never noticed the hurt in his eyes, so I doubted they would see the apology this time. "Mandy, I –"

"I'll see you in a few days," I said shortly, turning away and running back into my home. I was tired of trying to figure out what he really felt. I knew he wasn't in a good place in his life and he smiled a lot more in front of me, but all I felt was more and more insecure.

I was just tired of being played around.

* * *

I'd never cared what people thought about me before, and now that I'd started, it was like some sort of disease. Like a combination of nausea and stomach curling and a horrible lump stuck in the back of my throat.

Unless I was carsick. But I doubted it.

I sighed and looked out the window of the car, trying to ignore everyone else. My parents were up in the front, radio blasting. Addie was belting along behind me. Eleni was playing with two tiny dolls, quietly making them talk. Victor was reading and occasionally wincing at our sister's singing.

I just wish I could be like that – normal, part of my family. Not so self-conscious. I just wanted to go back to staring out the window and humming to the music. Or reading the entire trip. Or squeezing my way in the back between my siblings.

Instead, I was worried about my stupid – wait, what _was_ Al, anyway? My best friend? Friends with benefits? My boyfriend? He never clarified. He didn't even clarify that he was attracted to me, or that he didn't think I looked like a boy.

Because what if he actually agreed, and that's why he didn't stand up to his friends? Sure, he trusted me and apparently liked kissing me. But I didn't really wanting to be the one drooling over him while he looked at me indifferently.

Merlin, it was killing me how shallow this situation was, and how _I still cared._

Was this normal? Was I finally being a teenage girl or something?

The lump in my throat was still choking me as we pulled up to the park. We'd gone camping in the same spot for as long as I could remember – so long, all the park rangers knew us. Our place was a secluded sort of spot deep in the park, surrounded by bushes and trees. It took a while to walk to from the parking lot, but no one ever walked through the site and the lake was only five minutes away.

I honestly loved camping. Victor and I both loved it the most, and this was the time we really bonded (even if we didn't play video games anymore). We somehow always had fun leaving Addie out of everything (she hated camping), and when Nell joined us, we were practically The Three Musketeers.

There were two tents – one for the kids, and one for my parents and Eleni. Despite going muggle camping, we still had the small tents that were expanded on the inside. Typical. Though I liked sleeping under the stars.

Victor and I had just finished pitching our tent when we heard footsteps run up to our site. I'd barely turned around when my best friend tackled me, squeezing me so tight I couldn't breathe.

"Hey Mandy!" she squealed excitedly. "I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too," I said, hugging her back, instantly feeling a bit better. You never quite realize how much you miss a person until you see them again.

When Nell pulled back and saw me properly, she frowned. Dammit, she always knew when something was wrong. Luckily, Eleni came to my rescue as she came running up to us.

"Hi, cutie," Nell cooed, picking up my baby sister and kissing her cheek. "You get prettier every time I see you!"

Eleni beamed. "I caught a bug, want to see?"

"No, no," Nell said hastily, putting her down immediately. She was terrified of creepy crawlers, which amused me to no end. I could tell she was about to turn to me and ask what was going on, but Victor chose that moment to engulf her in a hug.

Good timing.

Nell blushed furiously – something boys never saw. She'd had a biggest crush on my brother for the past three years, and he never quite seemed to see her. There was once a time that she was shy to talk to me about it, thinking it would be weird.

Now I _wish_ she was still shy.

"Let's play football," Victor announced, letting go of Nell. My brother caught me off guard by grabbing me around the waist and putting me in a headlock.

I squealed. "Victor, let go!"

"I call Mandy," he said, messing up my hair affectionately. "Gotta have my little brother on my team!"

Nell and Addie laughed as I froze. Before I could stop it, tears gathered in my eyes – like it was a physical pain, as though he'd socked me in the gut. Next thing I knew, I'd forced myself out of his grip and pushed him away.

A silence fell over us. Even my parents, who'd been chatting with Nell's parents, noticed that something had happened. Victor looked confused, and I didn't blame him. He always called me his little brother. I'd never thought anything of it before.

"Mandy?" he asked uncertainly. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, hating the stupid tears leaking out of my eyes. My face began to burn from humiliation. I shouldn't have overreacted, because he didn't mean it like that. But it still hurt. Like rubbing salt in a wound.

I was getting good at running away, anyway.

* * *

"All right." I didn't open my eyes, but I could recognize my best friend's voice anywhere – however strained it sounded. "You've been looking like your cat ran away since you got here, and since I _know_ you don't own a cat and you've never made such a show before, I climbed up this tree for you. Don't expect it to happen again."

I gave a watery chuckle. "Wow, Nell. The sacrifices you make for me."

"Exactly," she said, sounding closer now. I peeked through one eye to see her plop down in front of me, straddling the branch I was sitting on. "There. Now I won't fall."

"I'll push you off."

"You love me." She gently put her arms around me. "Okay, spill. You never cry."

"We have a lot of catching up to do."

"I can see that."

"How?" I asked, pulling away. I wiped my eyes and leaned back against the tree trunk. "Is it that obvious?"

"What's obvious?"

"That for the first time in my life…" I sighed heavily before wiping my eyes again. "It's weird, Nell. I don't feel like myself anymore. I just feel really weak and insecure."

She tilted her head, genuinely concerned. I really missed her. "I feel like there's a whole story here that I'm missing."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Come on, you're _Mandy_," she stated, sounding very confused. "You're infallible, you know that?"

I shook my head, almost ashamed. "Not anymore."

"So what happened?"

I began to tell her the story. How Al and I started off by being friends again, how happy I was about it. How he lead me on. How I let him use me to get another girl. How I let him make me feel less than I was – with smoking, with drinking, with kissing. How he wasn't physically attracted to me. How he started opening up. How he fell for me – or was that a lie, too?

And then there was the other stuff I was a little scared to admit – like smoking, because I shared too many cigarettes with Al just so he wouldn't leave me out. I was pretty sure I'd had more to drink in that one month than I'd had in my entire life. I got high because I was upset. A girl kissed me.

Bloody hell, I'd barely kissed anyone before this summer, and Al and I had almost had sex the night before. Then his friend felt me up and informed me (or Al, really) that I was actually the least attractive girl in school, because I looked like a boy.

I felt like a mess.

"Merlin," Nell groaned, pushing her fringe off her face. "What the hell did that boy do to you?"

My face heated up. "What do you mean?"

"He's ruining my best friend, that's what!" she exclaimed indignantly. "Bloody hell, no one's good at snogging at first, how could he say that to you? And you _are_ attractive –"

"How do you know that?" I demanded. "You're not a guy, you can't say that –"

"You need _eyes_, not a – never mind," she said, shaking her head. My lips twitched a little. "My point is that you deserve someone who makes you feel like you're amazing, the way you are. Someone who doesn't pressure you into smoking or drinking or drugs or sex."

"He didn't pressure me into doing any of those things," I mumbled. And it was half-true. I wanted to do all those things – except the smoking.

"He's being horrible to you."

"That's not true, though!" I protested. "I mean, it was kind of true in the beginning, but he stopped, you know? He's just awful in front of his friends, because he's scared of them or something, but when it's just us… it's different."

Nell frowned. "I don't think that's fair to you."

"But he's… it's like he loves me," I confessed, my cheeks heating up. But that's exactly how it _felt._ "He's still _him,_ just less self-conscious, less secretive, less guarded. Like he really trusts me."

"Do you really think he loves you?" she asked sceptically.

"I don't know."

"Do _you_ love him?"

"Maybe." I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore. "I could. It's just…"

"His friends," she finished bitterly, looking like she was trying hard not to roll her eyes. "Look, you have to decide what you want to do, okay?"

We were silent for a few minutes. It's what I appreciated about Nell; she was blunt when she needed to be, and ridiculously sweet any other time. She put up with my adventure shit and I put up with her insane muggle addictions. She always told me the truth.

"Nell," I said, sounding weaker than I'd anticipated, "do I really look like a boy?"

She surveyed me for a second.

"You dress like one sometimes," she said finally. "But you don't _look_ like one. Is that why you're crying? Because of what Victor said?"

"Well, Al said the same thing before I left," I mumbled.

"_Kevin _said that," she clarified fiercely. "I always told you what an idiot he is, remember?"

"I didn't know him then," I said quietly. "And now he scares the shit out of me."

"You're Mandy. _You_ scare people. Not the other way around." I snorted, and she seemed relieved that I wasn't so upset anymore. "Look, I can't tell you that you don't dress like a guy, because you do, but bloody hell, you're always climbing trees or walls or playing Quidditch. What can you expect?"

"I guess," I said, shrugging, "but it doesn't make me feel better."

She laughed. "Remember when I was depressed about my grade in Potions?"

"Yeah."

"And you told me to stop whining and _do _something about it?"

My lips twitched again. "Yeah."

"You're about to take your own advice," she announced boldly. "You're going to stop thinking you're unattractive, because you're not. And you're going to stop dressing like a boy, because you're growing up, and it's bloody well time you stopped doing that."

"But I –"

"We can go camping later," she said, swinging her legs over the branch and beginning to climb the tree. "We're going shopping."

* * *

My mum was pretty quick to agree with our plan. She was thrilled I was finally taking an interest in shopping (was it so obvious that I didn't really like it?), and told us to take as long as we wanted, and she'd pick us up later. And she gave me her money.

We even managed to avoid Victor.

Hey, I wasn't about to complain.

Nell's parents dropped us off at the nearest shopping centre. Nell could tell I was nervous, because she didn't stop jabbering in my ear about different clothing tips the entire time.

"Don't worry, Mandy," she reassured me, looking through a rack of shirts. "You're really pretty, honestly. You've got a really great body from all that working out, too."

"I don't work out, I just run around like a maniac," I muttered, raising my eyebrow at one of the items was she holding up. _Is that a shirt or a skirt?_ "And I'm not as skinny as Abbey –"

"You don't need to be," Nell cut in. "You've got curves she'd kill for. And you're not fat."

"I guess, but –"

"I'm going to kill Potter," she seethed, piling more clothes in my hands. "I know all girls are insecure about their bodies or whatever, but why did he have to say that stuff?"

"He didn't," I said patiently. I'd pretty much accepted the fact that she was going to put all the blame on Al. "That was his friends."

"Well, he didn't stick up for you."

"I know," I said in a small voice. It still stung.

She pushed me towards the change room with the pile of clothing. I had no idea what was in it, she'd picked it all. The first thing, thankfully, were a pair of shorts and a dressy shirt.

"That looks great," she said as I came out. "I mean, those colours don't really match, but it's comfortable, right?"

I checked myself in the mirror, turning to see myself at different angles. She was right. The shirt was loose and flowy and slightly transparent – I could wear something underneath. And the shorts weren't long and baggy like the ones I had at home, but not as short as Abbey's.

"You've got an athletic body," she commented, almost enviously. "These clothes won't hang off you, they'll fit right."

"Do you…" I turned nervously to Nell. "Do you think Al would like this?"

"Who cares?" she replied. "It's not for him."

"But –"

"Why do you like him, Mandy?" she asked, biting her lip. "It doesn't seem like he's been good to you, and it's just unfair that you're going through his because of him, and not because these clothes are really cute."

"I dunno," I said, evading her gaze again. "I mean, besides the fact that he's _fit,_ he's just… really sweet, at times. He reads a ton of books and hoards them. He has a picture of us on his wall. He thinks too much. He's quiet."

She was silent for a moment.

"All right, I get it," she said, nodding slowly. "Come on, try the next thing." She looked excited as she pushed me back into the change room. "We have to go underwear shopping after this."

"_What?!"_

* * *

Looking back, I realized I'd never known the extent to which Nell loved shopping.

Sure, we'd gone shopping a ton of times in our six years of being best friends. I knew she was way girlier than I was. But it was like I was seeing a whole new side of her – one that was explaining more than I'd ever known about fashion and styles and _bras. _It wasn't bad or anything, just a little unexpected.

(Mind. Blown.)

After a few hours, I'd practically gotten a new wardrobe, complete with fitness clothes for girls. Strange. We were heading off to the food court to take a break when we ran into my brother and sister. And I was doing such a good job of avoiding them, too.

"Hey, guys!" Nell said cheerfully. She would've hugged them if it weren't for all the bags. She was a hugger. "What're you doing here?"

"Thought we'd shop for a bit before heading back," Victor answered, shrugging. He shifted his gaze to me and tilted his head away. He wanted to talk. Addie and Nell seemed to guess, since they immediately shuffled towards a table. Victor wrapped his arms around me as soon as they left.

"Whoa," I said, smiling against his shirt. "Hugging in public?"

"I'm sorry," he said, kissing the top of my head and letting me go. "I didn't mean it like that."

"The hug?"

"The brother thing," he clarified. "You're not a brother. It was just a joke from when you were four and didn't want to be girl because you had to wear dresses."

"Really?" I asked, racking my brain. "I don't remember that."

"Yeah, remember?" he said, grinning. "James and Al and I were always hanging out, and you wanted to fit in better, especially since Addie and Lily liked playing with dolls and you didn't."

I chuckled. "Oh yeah."

"I know you're not a boy."

"I overreacted," I told him guiltily. "It's not your fault. Some other guys were saying that I'm ugly and they keep mistaking me as a guy. It was sort of the last straw."

His face hardened. "Al said that?"

"No," I said quickly. "I mean… he didn't deny it."

"I'll talk to James, see if he can knock some sense into Al," he decided, crossing his arms to his chest. "Though he hasn't really been around lately, has he? Do you know where he is these days?"

My eyes widened. Was James avoiding Victor? "No, not really."

"I'll find him." He leaned over and peered into my bags. "So you got some new clothes?"

"Yeah," I said, smiling. I couldn't believe he was being so nice to me. He hadn't really been like this for a while. "Nell helped me out, and they're… I dunno. Gender-appropriate."

"She looks great," he admitted, going a little pink in the face. "I'm sure she helped you get nice things."

I laughed. "You should tell her that."

"That she has good taste in clothes?" I rolled my eyes and he smiled nervously. "Really? Wouldn't it be weird for you?"

"No." I frowned. "Aren't you still dating Barbie?"

"No, I broke up with her."

"Then go for it."

"Okay," he decided. "Okay. Yeah. I'll ask her to hang out. If you don't mind shopping with Addie for a bit."

"I don't mind," I said, feeling a little giddy for Nell. She'd been waiting for this moment for years – but what about James? It's not as though he had a chance, but… I leaned up to hug my older brother again. "We're playing football when we get back, though. And I'm going to beat you."

He smirked. "Bring it, sis."

* * *

"So what made you decide to buy new clothes, anyway?" Addie asked as we set off through the shopping centre after eating. Nell had eagerly accepted Victor's invitation, and now they were off doing Merlin-knows-what. I knew I'd hear about it later, though. In detail.

I shrugged. "Time for a change."

"I've been begging you to do this for years," she said gleefully. Almost evilly. "Is it for Al?"

I remembered what Nell said – but there was no denying the truth. "Sort of. I mean, he said something about it. But I don't really like being seen as a boy, you know?"

"He said something?" she demanded, hand on her hip. "What?"

"Well, his friends were talking about how I'm really ugly," I confessed. Something that's not really easy to talk about with your sister who is much prettier than you are. "Just talking about how I dress like a guy… Al once said his closet looked like mine…"

She stared at me, evidently thinking hard. "His friends are trying to turn him against you."

"I'm afraid of that, actually," I admitted, beginning to walk again. "They're staying over at his house, and I'm scared that when we come back, he's going to be horrible to me again."

With my luck, that was _exactly_ what was going to happen.

"Okay." Suddenly, she'd straightened up determinedly. "Okay. We're going to make sure that doesn't happen. All guys are the same, really."

I raised an eyebrow at her in disbelief. _'All guys are the same'?_

"The first thing you have to remember," she said, leading me into a store, "is that you have to be super confident. Don't be vulnerable around him. It turns guys off."

I was slightly startled by this. I couldn't count the number of times I'd been vulnerable around Al – but he'd been the same, hadn't he? "Are you sure about that, Addie?"

"Positive," she confirmed. "Also, best way to get his attention is to show off a lot of skin. Ooh, you should wear this!" she exclaimed, grabbing a bathing suit off one of the shelves. A bikini.

"I don't think so," I stammered, backing up.

"You want Al to stay interested, right?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. The next thing I knew, she'd pushed me into the nearest change room and locked me in it with the pale pink two-piece.

I tried it on, feeling foolish.

"Let me see," Addie said, pushing the curtain back and surveying me in the mirror.

"I don't like wearing this," I said anxiously, pulling on the straps.

"But you look hot," she countered, grinning at me. "Al won't be able to take his eyes off of you."

I nodded uneasily. I wasn't going to lie – that seemed very appealing.

But did I have to feel so uncomfortable?

It wasn't that I hated bikinis – they just weren't _me_. And when I tried it on, I remembered why. My stomach looked shockingly pale in contrast to my arms and legs. There was too much skin showing. I felt cold. I felt _naked._

I looked at myself in the mirror again.

I think _now_ was when I hit rock bottom.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

I had become the hesitant owner of three pairs of short-shorts, a miniskirt, a very short dress and two bikinis.

Yeah, I was surprised too.

Addie suckered me into it. And by the time I'd snapped out of my self-pity stage, I realized that there was no person on earth who could actually make me wear these items. No. Not a chance.

Except... you know. Al.

But he wasn't there, and I managed to enjoy the rest of camping in my new clothes I'd bought with Nell. I realized wearing clothes that fit wasn't so bad, after all - it was the revealing that made me uncomfortable. Addie had no problem with it, which was fine by me, and she really was trying to help...

Luckily, it didn't come up again for the rest of the long weekend. Also fortunately, Victor was trying to take things super slowly with Nell, who'd only had one relationship before. I managed to not be the third wheel... most of the time. I didn't really mind all that much. He seemed to really care about Nell, unlike his last girlfriend, so I wasn't going to get in the way of that.

"So what're you going to do when we get home?" Nell asked. We were waiting for my parents and Eleni, who'd taken a walk on the beach early that morning. The rest of us had packed up the rest of our things into the van and prepared to leave.

"I dunno," I said, walking over to sit at the back of the open van with her. "Unpack? Shower?"

"I meant about Al."

"Huh." I shrugged and brought my knees up to my chest. "I don't know. I'm nervous just thinking about it."

"He did say he wanted to take you out," Nell pointed out, evidently trying to encourage me. "You should ask him. It's the twenty-first century. Girls can ask the guys."

I laughed. "Maybe."

"It's true!"

"Did you ask Victor out?" She pouted playfully, and I mussed up her brown hair. "How's it going with him?"

"Good," she replied happily, a goofy grin spreading across her face. "I can't believe he's actually interested, I mean…" She ducked her head. "I almost gave up, didn't I?"

"I knew he'd come around," I assured her, though I didn't really know. I was still a bit concerned about what would happen with James and Victor – even if I was pretty sure my brother was straight.

"I know there's something you're hiding."

My eyes widened involuntarily. Bloody hell, my body did not know how to lie. "What?"

"You're hiding something," she said matter-of-factly, not taking her eyes off Victor, who was playing peek-a-boo with Eleni. "You can't pull this shit with me, remember?"

I inhaled sharply. "I don't really want to hurt you."

"What did you do," Nell asked flatly, turning to me. I quickly shook my head.

"No, no, it's not me," I reassured her. "It's just stuff about Victor… I don't want you to go through that time again," I added.

She pursed her lips, looking mildly pissed off. She hated when I brought up that time in fifth year, when she was so head-over-heels in love with my brother that she actually starved herself in hopes that he'd finally notice her.

He didn't notice, but I did.

"I'm not doing that again, Mandy, I know better," she mumbled through gritted teeth.

"I know." I put my arms around her and squeezed tightly. "I just worry sometimes."

"You, worrying," she said, chuckling and looking down at her lap. "You know, it's horrible that I did that. Don't think you're off the hook for the shopping."

"What?"

"You shouldn't change yourself for a guy," she said, glancing back at Victor again. "I know we haven't really written much this summer, but I've just been focusing on enjoying myself. Being myself. And he likes that better."

"Yeah, it's just…" I tried to shake off the uneasiness I'd been feeling ever since I'd gone shopping with Addie. "It's different. I've heard Al talk about girls. I know he likes this stuff."

"I've seen the girls Victor dates," she retorted. "I don't think that justifies anything."

I stubbornly kept my mouth shut.

She sighed. "Fine, don't tell me. But for the record, I think it's okay that you want to look nice for Al."

I frowned. "But you just said –"

"It's not okay to change for him," she emphasized. "But putting an effort is different. Which is why," she added brightly, "when we get back to your house, I'll help you get ready before you go talk to him."

"Okay," I said, almost breathing a sigh of relief. Then I immediately stiffened. "Wait, I don't want to talk to him yet!"

"Oh, you're going to talk to him," she said nonchalantly, grinning evilly as she hopped out of the trunk. "When I get through with you, you're going to leave him speechless. So you're going to have to ask him out."

And with that, she hurried towards Victor, drowning out any protest I'd made.

What did I get myself into?

* * *

"I don't think I can do this."

It was almost sickening how nervous that came out. I'm Mandy. Before this summer, I didn't even know the meaning of the word _nervous._ I liked challenges, you know? Plunged into them head-on – the best way to get that rush I loved.

But ever since that night Al and I went a little too far, I was a little scared of the rush.

Fear and nerves. Who _was_ I?

"You _can_ do this," Nell encouraged, putting up my hair in my usual ponytail – but it sure looked a lot different. Turned out that she was also quite talented with scissors, and ended up cutting long, side bangs for me. I never liked having my hair flying everywhere, which was why it was always up – so apparently a fringe was the solution.

"He's going to see right through my new _look_,_" _I voiced anxiously, turning sideways in the bathroom mirror to examine my outfit.

"If he does, he's going to like what he sees," she said, and I laughed. I tugged at my shirt, and she shook her head. "Mandy, you look great. I think you should give your other clothes back to Addie."

"We'll see," I said, silently thinking to myself that it was very unlikely that I'd wear them anyway. I turned to Nell, still biting my lip worriedly. "Am I ready to leave the bathroom?"

"Yes!" she said dramatically, gesturing to the door. "The world is waiting for you!"

"Oh jeez, as if I wasn't nervous enough…"

"Go," she said, laughing and pushing me out the door. "You can do this. Just keep repeating it in your head. And you've already got this in the bag, remember? He might even ask you the second you walk through the door."

"If he doesn't faint from the horror," I joked, turning the hallway to head downstairs. Nell suddenly began to blush furiously. "What's up with you?"

"Hey, little brat!" I turned to see Victor heading our way, grinning at me. Apparently since he wasn't allowed to call me "little brother" anymore, he'd replaced it with "little brat."

Charming, my brother.

"Looking good!" he praised, and I smiled. I never got any compliments from him. He turned to Nell and boldly took her hand, though I could tell he was a bit nervous. "Want to go for a walk?"

"Sure," she replied happily. He pulled her down the stairs and outside. I followed them, planning to go to Al's, either way. Before Victor could pull Nell away indefinitely, she turned back to me and placed her hands on my shoulders. "You _can_ do this."

I swallowed. "Yeah. Sure."

She gave me one last reassuring squeeze before skipping off towards my brother. Taking a deep breath, I turned to the Potter home and ran up to the porch to ring the doorbell.

"Mandy!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed upon opening the door. "How was camping?"

"Great," I said, trying to smile. "Is Al around?"

"He's in his room," she told me, stepping outside. "You go on in and close the door behind you, all right? I'm going to say hello to your parents."

"Okay." With a wave, I closed the door and slowly made my way upstairs, towards Al's room. Unlike my own home, the Potter house was not a maze, and I had no excuse of getting lost in delaying my trip to his room.

Hey, it could've worked.

I found myself in front of the ladder to the attic, to Al's room, trying to calm down. I mean, we'd been arguing before I left, but that was okay, right? He _did_ say he wanted to take me out when I came back. We could work through the whole Kevin issue. No big deal.

I climbed the ladder up to the attic. The trapdoor creaked slightly as I pried it open. I was about to enter Al's room when I heard his voice, saying my name. I peeked my head through and looked for him.

But there was no one there.

I frowned and hoisted myself up, dusting off my new clothes as I stood. I realized that Al was in the bathroom, and he hadn't seen me come in – or heard me, either. Then he said my name again.

What was going on?

I crept up to the side of his open bathroom and peered in. He hadn't noticed me at all; he was standing with both hands on the side of his sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror, looking very flustered.

"Okay, I can do this," he muttered to himself, glancing back and forth from the sink to the mirror. He stood straight and brushed his hands through his hair, closing his eyes. "Okay. Mandy, I didn't mean to hurt you."

I nearly jumped out of my skin – _did_ he know I was there? But his eyes were still closed, thinking very hard. He didn't know I was watching.

Was he… _practicing_?

"Mandy, I didn't mean to hurt you," he repeated under his breath, letting his hands fall to his sides. "I didn't like what Kevin did, and I talked to him about it. He hates me now, but Steve agrees with me, and…" He took a deep breath. "It's not fair that I didn't take you seriously. No one should touch you without your permission. You don't deserve that."

My jaw dropped.

Al let out a breath, gripping the sink again and groaning. "Merlin, I can't do this. That sounded stupid."

"No, it didn't."

He spun around, and I blushed furiously. I hadn't really meant to say that out loud – but I was true. I mean, if Victor found out what Kevin did, he would've pummelled him. Talking to him and risking Kevin's anger was like Al's version of beating him up. Or sticking up for me.

I cleared my throat. "Did… did you really? Talk to Kevin, I mean?"

"I – yeah." He ran a hand through his hair and came out of the bathroom. "He was pretty insistent that he didn't do anything, but I believe you, and –" He stopped short as he looked at me properly.

I tugged on the end of my fringe. "I'm sorry he hates you."

Al was frozen. Mouth hung open.

This was oddly satisfying.

I cleared my throat again, remembering Addie's advice. _Be confident. _I chose to step closer to him and slip my arms around the back of his neck, and I heard him audibly swallow. "So I'm back."

He finally smiled and gripped my waist. "Yeah. You… you went _camping, _right?"

"For the most part."

"You look great," he said softly. "What prompted the haircut?"

"Nell's idea," I admitted. Then I suddenly remembered Addie's other piece of advice – _don't be vulnerable._ But I didn't know how. I felt like melting there, in his arms.

"So… we're okay?" he asked, looking nervous himself. So why couldn't I be nervous? "I know I didn't get it before, but you were right. I would never want him to touch you."

I nodded, my eyes dropped to his chest. "Yeah. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I wouldn't have understood if you didn't." He surprised me by leaning down and pressing his lips against mine. Now I really _did_ want to melt. "I was getting tired of his bullshit, anyway."

I nodded, but I was still a little confused. Did that mean he supported Kevin's talk about my looks or not?

Al kissed me again. "How was your weekend?"

"It was fun," I said distractedly, trying to urge myself to be more _confident._ I'd never had such a problem with this before. I gave him the most seductive smile I could (which probably didn't go all that well) and said, "I seem to remember you wanting to go out when I came back."

His smile faltered slightly, and I felt fear strike through me. "Oh, erm…"

"Never mind," I said quickly, blushing and looking away. I felt stupid. He didn't really want to go out – he just said it, to make me feel better. "It's okay."

"No, it's not that," he said, not noticing my dejection, "it's just that I promised Abbey I'd come to her party tonight. It's the only time her parents are going away this summer."

"So you don't want me to go?" I asked, perplexed. I remembered the last time there was a party and he didn't ask me to go. I was also avoiding him at that point, so maybe that had something to do with it.

"It may not be a good idea," he said uncertainly, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Kevin will be there, pissed out of his mind as usual. Lots of people will be there. It's different than those times at his apartment," he added quickly, seeing my dismay. "It'll be crowded and everyone will be drunk or high and… you know."

I shrugged. _Don't be vulnerable._ "I want to go."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"For our first date?"

I hesitated for a second – but immediately snapped out of it. I couldn't shake off the feeling that he didn't want me to go because he was slightly ashamed of me – and I wanted to prove him wrong. That I wasn't the ugliest girl in school. I wasn't that horrible.

"I've been to parties before," I assured him. "Let's go."

He still looked unsure. "But…"

"I want to go," I said again, trying not to let my voice waver. I stood on my toes to kiss him. "It's fine."

It still seemed like something was bothering him – like he was struggling with it. In the end, he shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah. Okay. We can go."

It was as though he'd run out of reasons to say no.

* * *

I wasn't lying. I had been to parties.

I suppose I gave off an impression that I was slightly anti-social – but I _had_ been to a few parties. I'd been to all the Quidditch ones. I'd been to a few Christmas/New Years parties outside of school. I'd gotten tipsy at these things before. I'd enjoyed them. This party was slightly different, however.

In every party I'd been to, it hadn't been… like _this. _I mean, it was just drinking and dancing, right? But this was dark and smelled heavily of weed and who knows what else and there were so many people everywhere and they were grinding and snogging and the music was really loud and bloody hell, it was strange.

I was seriously regretting my choice of clothing.

In a moment of insanity and just wanting to prove _so badly_ that I wasn't… well, me. Whoever I was to them. Mandy the prude, Mandy the ugly, Mandy the girl who dressed like a boy.

Okay, so I was wearing the dress Addie picked for me. Happy?

And don't worry, I was fully regretting it. It was too tight and too short and too low-cut and I felt like I was going to expose my Chamber of Secrets if I bent over. But I guess it was worth the stammering Al had when he'd first seen it.

I think.

He lead me through the crowd and I felt bad for him – my hand was so sweaty. I took a few deep breaths, telling myself again – _be confident._ In this stupid dress that I could barely walk in.

"Hey guys," Al greeted, stopping in a corner beside a staircase where Kevin, Abbey and Steve were drinking and talking. I smiled at them as Al slipped an arm around my waist.

Abbey looked startled when she saw me. Steve's eyes were wandering. Kevin whistled loudly. "Hey, look at that! Mandy became a girl!"

"Oh, shut up, Kev," Abbey snapped, elbowing him. She gave me an uneasy smile. "You look great, Mandy."

"Thank you," I said, standing a little straighter. "You look great, too."

And she did. She was wearing a dress like mine – but a different colour, slightly different design and I had no idea how she was walking in heels that tall. She pulled it off a lot better than I did, and I could tell that by the way Al was looking at her.

How was I supposed to compete with that?

Kevin wandered off, probably to get another drink, and practically shoved Abbey with him. Steve looked a little relieved as he saw them go, and nodded to me. "You're okay, then?"

I was surprised. "What?"

"He knows about Kevin," Al said distractedly, looking around the room. "He doesn't seem too mad at me, is he just drunk?"

"Who knows," Steve said lowly, shaking his head and draining his cup. "I'd stay clear of him, though."

"No problem with that," I admitted, leaning into Al. He shook his head and turned back to me.

"Want to dance?" he asked.

"I – sure," I stuttered as he grabbed my hand and lead me back into the crowd. I didn't really know what else to say – not _no_, right? – but how was I supposed to say that I didn't know how to? I could dance, but not like _that._

Obviously, Al hadn't heard my silent pleas and suddenly turned me around, wrapping his arms around me. I could feel his breath on my neck, pulling me close to him, and I began to panic again.

_What am I supposed to do?_

But I couldn't be vulnerable.

I glanced at the couples around us, shamelessly grinding. They were also drunk, which probably helped. With a deep breath, I began to move against him, trying to mimic their movements.

Al chuckled in my ear. "Mandy, you –"

But I had no clue what he was about to say, because at this, I'd begun to panic so much that I'd ended up taking a hint from all the couples making out just as shamelessly. I twisted around and kissed him hard.

He nearly staggered back from surprise, but caught himself just in time. I pressed myself as close to him as I could, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He slanted his mouth over mine, but hesitantly pulled away only a few moments later. He pulled me away from the crowd and faced me.

"What are you doing?" he asked, sounding confused. But more than that, what made my stomach curl up was that he seemed almost repulsed. Revolted.

"Nothing," I answered, my voice a little too high – but I was confused. I could see Kevin and Abbey doing the same thing – perfectly, as usual – but he used to like her. Wasn't this what he wanted?

"Why are you acting so strange?" he asked in disbelief. "You insisted on coming, but you look like you want to run away – you're all over the place, and – and why were you kissing me like that _here_?"

"I –"

"And _what_ are you wearing?" he added at the last minute, like the words had been wrenched out of him.

I felt at a loss. "But I thought… everyone's doing this…"

"_What_?"

"I thought this was what you liked," I told him, feeling warm all over. I swallowed the lump in my throat and wrapped my arms around myself. "I thought you wanted this."

"I –" He cut off, looking as though he wanted to say something very badly. His mouth clamped shut, jaw tightening as he glanced over me again. "No. I don't."

"But you –"

"I'm going to get a drink," he said shortly, turning around and pushing his way through the crowd, leaving me at the wall. I stared after him in disbelief, hurt and most of all… confusion. Because none of this was making sense anymore.

It didn't take long for me to realize that he wasn't coming back.

* * *

I couldn't believe he ditched me.

I mean, he really knew how to stick it to me, didn't he? He knew exactly how to hurt me – what to say, what to do. I would've felt angry at this point, but I only felt at a loss. What did he want from me, exactly? Didn't he want me to dress this way? Didn't he want me to act like this?

Why was he ashamed of me?

I pushed my way through the crowd. I felt too hurt and confused to be angry, the lump in my throat making tears rise in my eyes. I blinked them away hurriedly, trying to find Al. I think it was best if I told him the truth.

By the time I'd gotten to the kitchen, he'd left. I turned and peered over heads, straining my eyes to look for him, but I couldn't see him. I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind.

I spun around to find – Abbey. Who wasn't very drunk, surprisingly. She looked concerned. "Mandy, are you all right?"

"Yeah, of course," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat and turning to look for Al again. "I just can't find –" I stopped. I couldn't breathe.

I'd found him. Arm propped up against the wall the wall, cup in his one hand, leaning over some girl dressed in less clothing than I was. Smiling slightly, and even though I could tell it was fake, it was flirty. He was flirting with her. On our first real date.

I couldn't stop the tears from spilling over this time.

"Mandy, what are you – oh, no," she groaned, seeing what I saw. "What is he doing?"

"Sending me a message?" I guessed out loud, turning away from them and heading over to the box of napkins in the kitchen counter.

"I'm sorry," she said gently. It was genuine. "I really don't understand. He really fancies you."

"Guess not," I said, wiping my cheeks. I was afraid of opening my eyes and seeing them again. He was so close to her – _why_? Is this why he didn't want me to come? So he could flirt with girls without me knowing?

"No, Mandy, you don't get it," she told me, frowning. "He _told_ me how much he likes you. He's been telling me for weeks."

"Wait – _what_?" I said, my eyes snapping open.

She paused uncertainly. "Did he not tell you?"

"Sort of?" I shrugged and threw away the napkin. "I mean, he told me he doesn't like you anymore, but he just freaked out at me –"

"Wait." She suddenly seemed very angry, but it wasn't directed at me. She slit her eyes in Al's direction. "Did he not tell you the real story? And now he has nerve to be flirting with Miss Stuffed Bra over here?"

"_What?_" I asked, becoming more and more confused. There was something I was missing. "What real story?"

"Oh, bloody hell." She leaned against the counter beside me. "Okay, Mandy, this is really stupid. Al was supposed to have told you this ages ago, I don't know why he didn't."

I had a very bad feeling at this. "Tell me."

"Oh I will," she snapped, glaring in Al's direction. Something softened in her expression when she looked back at me. "Look, we never meant to hurt you, okay?"

"Hurt me?"

"It's just that…" She was struggling, now. "Here's the thing, Mandy. Before this summer, we really hated you. I don't even remember why anymore. But the same time Al got grounded for the summer, you apparently really pissed him off, and he wanted to get revenge."

My face slackened. Oh no. "Revenge?"

"Well, sort of," she said. "Like I said – that same day, Al got grounded. I guess he snuck out right after you bugged him, and he hates sneaking out because he's horrible at it, and we were drunk and bored and sort of came up with this plan."

"A plan," I repeated numbly.

"I think it was Kevin who came up with it, really," she said, biting her lip. She sounded very guilty, nonetheless. "He said –"

"I said I was tired of your shit." I froze when I heard Kevin's voice. He came up to us and leaned on the opposite counter. He was definitely very drunk. "I was tired of you running around and being a stupid, annoying little Gryffindor."

"Shut up," Abbey snapped at him.

"Gryffin-_whore._"

She rolled her eyes and turned back to me. "We weren't really thinking of how much this could actually hurt you. But I guess Al wanted to, in a way, and –"

"Stop sugar coating everything," Kevin cut in, taking out a fag from his pocket and lighting it. "We wanted to find the best way to hurt you, Mandy, and Al just guessed you were attracted to him. He wanted you to be jealous of Abbey, because it's pretty obvious she's perfect –"

"I'm not, you wanker," she cut across angrily, kicking his shin. "He just wanted to make you jealous, Mandy, and make fun of you in the process. He hasn't liked me since fourth year. But the plan failed, much to the dismay of _this_ bastard."

Kevin shrugged and took another drag of his cigarette. "I dunno. She seems less Gryffin-whore-ish now."

"Will you _shut up_?" she growled angrily at him. But I didn't blame Kevin, because that's exactly how I felt. Like I was less myself. He'd gotten that spot-on.

"So he was never actually interested in me," I said, my voice hollow. Trying to digest all this. "He just wanted to get revenge, because he was pissed off at me. And use me to get out of grounding."

"No, no, wait," Abbey began, but Kevin cut in.

"Are you kidding me?" he spat. "He told us two weeks ago that he wanted to call the whole thing off because he fancied you!"

"He did?" I asked weakly, hardly believing it.

"He told _me_ that," Abbey corrected, still glaring at her boyfriend. "Al never tells anything to Kevin."

"Bastard," he put in drunkenly.

"Al told me a little while ago that he was done with the plan," she said to me, ignoring Kevin. "And he told _me _how much he likes you, Mandy, even if he won't admit it to anyone else."

"But then…" I was struggling for words, now. I turned to Kevin. "Why were you touching me on Friday?"

He shrugged again. "Dunno. Felt like it."

"Because he needs to learn his boundaries," Abbey corrected, rolling her eyes and looking back to Al, who was still flirting with that girl. "Look, Mandy, I really don't know why he's acting like this, but I'm about to go over there and give him hell for it." She glanced at me. "Care to join me?"

I shook my head. I felt numb and on fire all at once. Humiliated and used. Like I really was an accessory all this time – he didn't even tell me the real reason he was using me. I felt less than myself. Less than a person.

"Mandy, I'm so sorry," she said softly, moving closer to hug me. "I wish we hadn't done this. You're so much better than any of us."

I shook my head again. I just wanted to go home and sob into my pillow.

"I think I'm going to leave," I croaked, leaning back and wiping my eyes. "Do – do you have any floo powder?"

"Shit, I knew I forgot something," she swore. "Wait here, I know it's around here somewhere."

Abbey disappeared into the crowd. Kevin shrugged at me and put out his cigarette in a bowl on the counter, reaching for another drink before he disappeared, too. Leaving me alone.

Al was still with that girl. Closer, now.

I turned from the crowd, feeling like everything inside me was clenching. My head was throbbing, my heart felt just about ready to burst. Tears were streaked across my face. I felt like an idiot. I felt worthless.

I took deep breaths, willing myself to stop crying. I was stronger than this. I didn't have to let him reduce me to this. I didn't have to accept this. I could show him I didn't care that he'd just played me so badly. I looked around for water, something to drink so I could get a hold of myself.

I poured myself some of the punch and turned around, careful to avoid looking at Al. Honestly, I wasn't ready to tell Al how I felt. I couldn't do it. Not tonight. I just needed to breathe, away from all of this. I slowly drank the punch, swallowing my tears back, soothing myself.

It was going to be okay. I was.

At least, that what I told myself before everything went black.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

When I woke up, I couldn't remember anything. The night before was a blank – then I remembered my stupid dress, dancing with Al – then he was gone, wasn't he? He was flirting with that girl. Then Abbey and Kevin, telling me the truth. Then I was drinking punch. Then nothing.

Then I was here. Where was here? Where was I?

I felt arms tight around my waist, then thrashing against my body. I whipped around, discovering it was Al's arms around me – and he was having a nightmare. His grip was tightening, too tight, and his eyes were clenched shut.

"No, stop," he was moaning. He pressed me closer. "No, she's my best friend – NO!" I jumped as he began to shout. "MANDY!"

"Al," I found myself saying, trying to sit up, but his grip was too tight. I shook his arm. "Al, wake up!"

Luckily, he immediately woke, unknowing of his surroundings at first. Then something seemed to click, and the next thing I knew, he'd pulled me into his lap, his arms were wrapping tightly around me and he was rocking me back and forth. His face was buried in my neck, repeating the same thing, over and over.

"Mandy, I'm sorry," he gasped, his voice cutting out and shuddering. Was he crying? "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

I was slowly coming to terms to where I was – in Al's room. But I couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, and I began to panic. What had happened? Why couldn't I remember anything? And why…

"Al," I whispered. A lump rose in my throat. "Al, why isn't there anything on underneath my shirt?"

He stilled. He wasn't breathing, much less speaking.

"Al, please," I begged. I was really scared, panicking, my head was spinning and I didn't know what was going on and _dear Merlin why was I practically naked._ "Please, I don't remember –"

He pulled back and gently grasped my face. He _had _been crying. "Mandy, they…" He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "These guys, at the party…"

"Who?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"I don't know." He wiped his eyes. "They're older than us. I don't know."

"They…" I racked my brain. My heart felt as though it were being squeezed tightly. "They… they put something in the punch?"

He nodded. Rapidly. "Someone should've told you not to drink it – bloody hell, I should've told you, I should've been there –"

"I don't understand," I whispered. Terror was wrapping around my chest, my throat, my mind – everywhere. I felt paralyzed. "They put something in the drink, and…" Then it hit me.

Did they rape me?

I began to cry. The thought of it was enough to scare me – but that couldn't have happened, not to me, this only happened in the scary movies, this wasn't… but why else? Why else would I be naked, save for Al's t-shirt?

Al was shaking violently. "I'm sorry," he whispered, holding me close to him again. "I didn't see you go in the –" _bedroom. _I knew he was going to say that. Al cleared his throat again. "I didn't see them take you in there, but I – I got you out."

"Did they… did they…"

"No," he said immediately. He shut his eyes and held me closer. "No. They were – no." He kept shaking his head, but I understood. They'd undressed me. They'd touched me. But they hadn't…

I kept hearing Kevin's voice in my head, over and over.

'_Did you fuck the bitch out of her yet?'_

"What happened?" I asked quietly, willing myself to stop crying. "Was I…"

"You were delirious," he murmured, pulling away. He brushed my hair out of my face. "It only lasted for a few hours. But I got you here. I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry."

I pressed my face back into his neck. "You saved me."

"I shouldn't have had to," he argued back, voice breaking. "This is all my fault. I never meant for this to happen…" He swallowed hard and squeezed me tightly. "I just want you to be okay. Please."

But I was remembering what Abbey said the night before. When Al was flirting that girl I didn't know. She'd told me how this was just a ruse to make sure Al could still see his friends. That Kevin had wanted to get revenge, because he hated me and at the time, Al did, too. That Abbey had nothing to do with any of it – she was just an excuse.

"You used me," I said suddenly.

Al froze.

"You used me," I said again. He'd never wanted to kiss me in the first place. He was trying to hurt me. And he succeeded.

"Who told you?" he asked.

"Abbey." I shook my head. "You… you wanted to ruin me."

"No –"

"Don't deny it," I snapped. I wiped my cheeks again before looking at him. "All you cared about was being able to go back to Kevin's apartment. With your stupid friends that force you to do all this shit you don't want to do –"

"That wasn't – that was only in the beginning!" he objected.

I pushed myself away from him. I couldn't stand it; I had real feelings for him. Maybe I didn't know what they were, but he knew they were there. They'd always been there. I'd cared about him for as long as I could remember.

And Al had purposefully tried to hurt me.

"Was last night part of your plan?"

"NO!" he roared, with such force that I was startled. He immediately realized this and lowered his voice. "No, I would _never_ –"

"Okay, but you –"

"Would you just listen to my side of the story?" he asked angrily.

"You know what? Sure." I crossed my legs and stared back at him. "Tell me your side. Tell me it's any different than the fact that you and your friends singled me out. Tell me that you didn't bring me to your friend circle because you knew your mum could trust me, so she would let you out of grounding. Tell me how Kevin wasn't going to hurt me through you. Tell me that's not real."

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

My heart sunk.

He looked down at his sheets. "I can't. But that was only the beginning –"

"It's always just the beginning!" I protested. I'd never felt so confused and hurt and betrayed. I thought I knew him. I thought, despite everything we'd been through, despite how much he'd changed, he was a good person. "I thought you –"

"It was the plan in the beginning," he interrupted hurriedly. He sounded terrified, and I couldn't register why. "In the beginning, that's what – but everything changed, remember?" he said urgently. "Because I realized that you cared. You've always cared. You weren't who they said you were, you're _good._"

"But I…" I took a deep breath. "You used me."

"I didn't," he said frantically, grabbing my hand. "I'm so sorry I used you in the beginning, but everything's different now. You know how I feel, don't you? You know how sorry I am. I wouldn't hurt you, and you know that."

I shook my head.

His expression broke. "Mandy, please, you have to believe me."

I didn't know _what_ I felt anymore. What I believed.

He'd never been so unrecognizable.

"I have to go." I sniffed loudly, wiped my face and stood, my hand slipping out of his. I had to shake my head again, trying to make sense of the nonsensicality of all of this. "I have to go."

"No, Mandy, please don't leave," he said desperately. Like he was begging. Showing me for the first time that he actually wanted me there. My mouth ran dry as he stepped closer, hands finding the sides of my jaw, eyes finding mine. "Mandy, I love you."

I suddenly couldn't breathe.

I searched his face, his eyes, anything that could tell me he was lying. His eyes were red and wet and pleading. He was shaking. It was like he'd been revealed, stripped of everything. He wasn't lying, he couldn't be.

I loved him. I thought I did.

But I couldn't handle him playing me like that.

"If you love me," I said slowly, "then why do I feel like I barely know you?"

His hands slid off me, and I turned away. I was shaking, on the verge of more tears, feeling more than just betrayal. More than hurt, more than any kind of sadness I'd ever encountered. Like there was a part of me that had shattered. Unrepairable.

I was fucking _heartbroken._

I remembered this part in the movie. Where the boy tries to apologize, even though there's _no way _he could make up for what he did. And I was the one who was always screaming at the girl, wondering why she couldn't just _see_ how much of an asshole he was, how much he changed her and how wrong everything was.

I had become that girl.

Was Al that guy?

"Mandy, I know…" He trailed off, unable to look at me. "I've never felt like this for anyone. I don't even feellike myself right now. I just know that this is real –"

"Bullshit."

He looked up. "What?"

"Bullshit." I was shaking with anger and hurt and everything in between. I'd heard that line before; I'd heard all those lines. "It's all fucking _bullshit._"

"It's not!" he protested, almost angrily.

"It is!" I retorted. "It's all bullshit, okay? I don't know you! You insist on keeping all these secrets, and I thought it was fine. That you could handle it yourself. I thought all these things you said were okay, because in between it, I still saw my best friend there. Somewhere deep down. But he doesn't exist anymore, does he?"

Al was nearly speechless, and even more than that, he was confused. "Mandy, I don't know what you're talking about. I've always cared about you."

"Bullshit!" I said forcefully. "If you cared for me, you never would've done any of this! I just _let_ you treat me like this and you know what? You were my best friend! How could you do this to me?"

"I never did anything to you!" he yelled desperately. "I didn't do anything!"

"_You hurt me_!" I was screaming now, but I couldn't help it. "You fucking hurt me, remember? And I kept changing for you, trying to like smoking, trying to fit in with your friends, trying to kiss better, trying to be pretty - is it ever enough for you?"

"I never cared about any of that!" he shouted back.

"Bullshit!"

"Mandy, I thought it was clear!" he said, trying to step towards me, but I only stepped back. "Wasn't it? Didn't I tell you why I tried to hurt you? Didn't I ask to take it back?" He wiped his wet face with both hands. "And what about the night before you left? Didn't it mean anything to you?"

"It meant everything." My voice was raspy and sore and still choked from tears. "And now you have the audacity to say that you love me after being with that girl."

"Mandy, I was only talking to her," he said, practically begging.

"Flirting."

"It didn't mean anything," he said, stepping towards me again. My back hit the wall and he stopped. "Mandy, I'm sorry. I mean that. I'm so sorry."

"And you were probably going to sleep with her," I added, speaking to myself more than him. "That's why you went in the bedroom. For her."

"No –"

"I'm an idiot." I shook my head and turned to his window, unlatching it.

"_Mandy –_"

"Leave me alone," I whispered before climbing out the window. I didn't look back, and I knew he wasn't going to touch me. Numbly, I crawled back to my room and collapsed in my bed. My mum burst into my room moments later, finding me curled into a ball, still half-naked and crying.

"Mandy," she whispered, collapsing beside me. Even she sounded heartbroken. "Mandy, what happened?"

I leaned into her open arms, and they caught me.

So I told her everything.

* * *

I wasn't really quite sure what happened next.

It was a blur of calling the Potters, telling everyone in the family what had happened, then telling the _Potters_ what had happened, me half-asleep through the entire ordeal, then going to the hospital. Pretty sure I changed at some point, but I couldn't remember, and I ended up passing out. When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed with white sheets and white pillows and white walls.

And people were crowded around me.

"You're awake," my mum said softly from my right. She pressed her hand to my forehead, pushing my fringe back. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay." I blinked a few times. My siblings and Nell were huddled close to my bed. I could see Mrs. Potter speaking to Al in a low voice across the room. He was still in pajamas, and looked like a mess.

I shut my eyes again.

"You're going to have to tell the nurse what happened," Mum told me, in that same, soothing voice. "I think you're fine, but we just have to make sure."

"Okay," I repeated. "Where are Dad and Eleni?"

"In the waiting room."

"Can you get them?" I asked weakly. I just really needed my entire family there.

"Sure." I opened my eyes again to see Victor leave the stall around my bed. An old witch entered next, with grey hair and large glasses that magnified her eyes. Mum helped me sit up as the nurse approached me, clipboard in hand.

"Muggle drugs," she mumbled, scribbling it down. She peered at me over her glasses. "How did you administer them?"

"They were in a drink," I said shakily. "I didn't know they were there."

"And you passed out immediately?"

"I'm not sure. I can't remember." I shook my head. "I might've been a little dizzy."

"Do you remember anything after you took them?"

"No."

"Al knows," Mum spoke up, gesturing to the other side of the room. She waved him over. "Albus, come here." He did so, avoiding my eyes. And I had to admit I was doing the same.

"Yeah?" he asked quietly.

"Do you remember Miss Mullens' symptoms?" the nurse asked, turning to him.

"Erm, yeah." He looked down at his shoes. "When I found her, she was sort of half-conscious. Wasn't really moving. I took her back to my room, and she was sort of mumbling things… crying and stuff… she threw up twice… thrashed around a lot…" He trailed off and swallowed hard. "She calmed down around two in the morning."

"She threw up twice," she repeated, and Al nodded. She wrote it down before shoving the clipboard under her arm and turning back to me. "We'll do a few tests, but there shouldn't be anything left in your system. You didn't seem to take that high of a dose."

I sat up so she could take some blood. My dad made sure to wait outside with Eleni until she was done – then she bounded inside, leaping onto my bed as soon as she could. As soon as Eleni got a good look at me, she began to cry.

"Don't cry," I told her, immediately bringing her close. But I couldn't help but begin to cry, too. "I'm fine, okay?"

But she wouldn't stop crying, and it wasn't until later that I had a look in the mirror that I realized that I looked absolutely horrid. I would see later that my eyes had bags underneath them, deep purples and pink – a huge contrast from my skin that so much paler than usual. My hair was limp and greasy. My eyes were completely bloodshot. I looked sick.

I didn't know it at the time, so I could only hold her tighter and whisper in her ear. I hated when my sister was upset. Sure, she threw hissy fits regularly, but this time… it was sort of my fault.

"Mandy?" I wiped my eyes when my dad touched my shoulder lightly. "Your mum and I are going to talk to the nurse, all right?"

"Okay."

"You'll be fine here? You can handle Eleni?"

"Don't worry," Victor interjected soothingly, and I was grateful. As soon as my parents left the room, Eleni began to sob harder. I held her tighter and rocked her, kissing her face, so guilty for scaring her.

It didn't take too long for her to sob herself to sleep. Just as she was finally drifting off, I looked up to Al, who was still standing there, arms crossed tightly against his chest. Just watching, expressionless. I hadn't a clue to what he was thinking.

Was it true, what he said? Did he really fall for me? How could I trust him?

"Mandy, you should sleep, too," Addie said softly, jerking me out of my thoughts. She gave a meaningful look to Nell and Victor. "Come on, we'll leave you alone for a bit."

I nodded gratefully, laying down as they trailed out of my stall. Victor drew the curtains shut around me as I wrapped Eleni in my sheets – then I heard their voices.

"You can leave now."

That was Victor. I frowned. Who was he talking to? Not Nell…

"I'm not leaving," Al answered quietly. He sounded determined. "You can't force me."

"Haven't you done enough damage?"

"That wasn't _me –_"

"Al, we know the whole story," Addie interrupted, softer than Victor's harsh tone, but still resentful. "Maybe you haven't realized, but Mandy's changed this summer, and it doesn't seem like you're the best influence on her."

There was a pause.

"I didn't _influence_ her," Al spluttered.

"Our sister would've never try smoking or drugs," Victor snapped. "And you exposed her to this shit to get out of _grounding?_"

"I –" Al exhaled, defeated. "I was an idiot."

"I'll say."

"But I'll make it up to her."

"I don't think you should," Nell put in, clearly thinking as she spoke. "I think it's best if you just left her alone for a bit. Since she just went through something horrible, and she's going to need some time before she thinks about forgiving you."

"It wasn't _me_ –"

"From what we got of her side of story, she was trying to trust you," she cut in, "and you didn't just blow that chance once. Even before this whole thing happened, Mandy kept telling me how much she was nervous about what you thought about her, and not only that, but how Kevin scared her with that he said. She thought he was going to physically hurt her."

"But –"

"I think," she continued over Al's attempted interruption, "she's been a little bit afraid of rape for a little while now."

There was a stunned silence from everyone. Including me.

I kept thinking of the phrase that kept running through my head, paralyzing me with fear – '_Did you fuck the bitch out of her yet?_' – and realized that Nell had probably interpreted what this really meant a while ago. She knew all this. She knew me. She was right.

Nell was speaking again. "And I wouldn't be too surprised if she was a little afraid of you, now."

Al made a strangled sort of noise. "But I would never –"

"You would hurt her," she insisted. I could hear the sadness in her voice. "You _have_, and you're not doing a good job of proving otherwise."

Another silence fell.

After a few moments, Al cleared his throat. "I'm just going to stay long enough to find out she's all right, okay? And then I'll leave her alone. I promise."

I heard murmurs of agreements, then more silence. Footsteps walking out of the room. I didn't know what was happening out there, and I didn't want to know. I swallowed the lump in my throat and buried my face in my pillow.

It was all true. I just _couldn't_ trust him that it wouldn't happen again. That we'd be on a date and he'd suddenly be gone. Flirting with another girl. Sleeping with someone else. Something in me told me that Al didn't _like_ this lifestyle, but he was still stuck in it.

It just seemed that Addie had a point: Al was a bad influence. He was negativity, stuck in his endless cycle of helplessness, trying to bring me down with him. I believed he didn't really know that, whether he truly fell for me or not. He didn't _mean_ to bring me into his cycle. He just did.

And it wasn't _my_ job to get him out. I couldn't change him – not that I'd tried, in all honesty. I couldn't hope he'd stop smoking and doing drugs for me. I couldn't expect that of him. He had to do it for himself, and it was obvious he didn't want to.

The stereotypes didn't fit anywhere. We weren't going to be the best friends who fell in love. We weren't going to be the next-door neighbours who fell for each other. I couldn't see myself as the goody two-shoes, and I couldn't see Al as the smoldering bad boy.

Everything was all _wrong_.

Mostly because I had to stop thinking everything was from a movie.

I nearly groaned out loud from this tiny epiphany. Why could I see that? Why was I being so naïve? Nothing could go according to a storyline because there wasn't one. Bloody hell, how could I have ever believed in that? I knew not every story had a happy ending. I _knew_ that. I knew not everything was a story.

But this was my story, wasn't it? Except this was _real_, and that boy wasn't going to save me after realizing what he'd done to me. And I wasn't going to change him and pull him out of his shitty life. He'd sucked me in, betrayed me, and he was going to leave me alone.

It was up to me now. Like it was up to Al to fix his own life, I had to fix my own. I needed a reality check. I needed to be confident. I needed to remember my values. I needed to remember why I believed in myself. I needed to stop being afraid. I needed to be _myself_ again.

Because this was my story, and I had to be the hero. I had to save myself.

I just never realized how difficult it would be.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

One thing I've always known about myself is that I'm independent. I don't like relying on other people for help, or if people did things for me. I didn't like being entirely alone, but I've never felt the intense need to constantly be around people. I love my family, I love spending time with them but I really lived in my own world.

I really noticed this as my family began to fawn over me. I mean, I understood that I'd scared them and something really bad could've happened, but could they not just leave me alone for a little bit?

Luckily, the crowding didn't last too long. I left the hospital around noon, put up with my family's, "Are you okay? Are you _sure_ you're okay?" and headed to bed. And slept straight through the next day. I was pretty sure that was the longest I'd ever slept before.

I woke up at sunrise, feeling an odd sensation of being refreshed and also being weighed down. Still I ventured out onto my roof, into the red glow of the rising sun, feeling a bit at home for the first time in a while.

It was a bit strange to miss yourself.

But I did. I felt like I was made of up questions, one after the other. A person of questions. I couldn't remember a time I'd felt so insecure and confused and hurt. Maybe they were right, I was too _innocent – _but there had to be a difference between innocent and inexperienced. I was just confused as to which one I was.

Because surely innocent or inexperienced people never felt this way, right? This intense disappointment in myself, in other people, in my mistakes. However, I'd never felt like I was one person who didn't live life to the fullest. I just did so in different ways.

And now I was too afraid.

I hugged my legs to my chest and breathed deeply. In, out. Trying not to feel so angry at myself for being such a horrible Gryffindor. Horrible at being myself. I knew I was irrational sometimes, but I was supposed to _brave._ That was my thing. I wasn't supposed to be afraid of people, or trying new things. I'd always loved the great rush of adrenaline – how could I be scared now?

What next, a fear of heights?

And I'd never thought much of the title of a teenager, and how we were in such an in between stage of figuring out who we were and gaining the knowledge to do so. I'd always known who I was, and I'd never questioned it. I could finally understand why my peers felt lost, because if they felt like _this_ – a great fear of not knowing a _single fucking thing, _and being right about it – then I was lost. And I hadn't a clue what to do about it.

As the sun rose higher, I found myself realizing that it wasn't sudden. I didn't start questioning myself the day before – this had been gradual. I supposed that figuring this out again was going to take some time, too.

That sucked.

While there were the entire mess of questions – who put the drugs in the punch, who nearly raped me, why did Al ditch me, how did he find me, did he really love me – I don't think they affected me nearly as much as the question of _'who did I become_?'.

But what about Al? Didn't he say he felt like this sometimes? It didn't really seem like he was exactly headed in the right direction. And while I was so_, so_ angry and hurt that he used me, I couldn't just stop caring about him. I didn't want him to go back to smoking and drugs and being around those people. It didn't feel right to me.

I normally went in when the sun had completely risen, and the streaks of purples and pinks and reds disappeared into the blue sky, but I left far earlier than that. I crawled back into my window, feeling restless and jittery. I wanted to _do_ something. I wanted to make some sort of change that would bring my life back to a balance, if not normal.

And at the same time, I wanted to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers.

I forced myself out of my room and wandered the hallways. My home wasn't particularly huge, but it was designed rather oddly, and I loved it. I knew the maze like the back of my hand, but when I was little, I used to pretend to get lost in it. I still liked doing that sometimes. The house was quiet at six in the morning, like a sleepy, relaxed fog. I tiptoed around. Trying to get lost.

Suddenly, I heard tiny noises coming from one of the rooms – the living room downstairs. Frowning, I creeped over, careful not to make any noises and step over all the creaks in the floorboards and peek in the room.

The noises were coming from the television, turned down so low that it wouldn't wake a sleeping person. I saw Victor sitting on the floor in front of the screen, controller in his hands, playing some video game.

He didn't make a sound as I sat down beside him. He didn't stop playing. He didn't even move his eyes away from the screen. I pulled up a controller and connected to the console, settling back and poking him. "Two player?"

"All right," he murmured, still not looking at me. His dark hair was dishevelled, eyes red like he hadn't slept all night. I felt the intense need to hug him, but I didn't really feel like getting into a wrestling match at the moment.

To my surprise, he crawled over to the console and switched the game to _One Track._ That racing game we'd always played when we were little. My lips twitched for the first time in what felt like ages.

Victor didn't look at me when we started playing. In fact, he didn't say anything for the first three races (he won). No gloating, no telling me to leave, nothing. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to ask.

That hurt to admit.

It's just that my brother and I had been close when we were little, and the fact that he was letting me play again felt as though we'd substantially decreased the distance that had grew in between us. I wondered if he'd ever gone through this phase of rebelling against everything our parents taught us. I wondered if I'd ignored it, or just never noticed.

Was I ignorant before? Was I self-centred? I couldn't remember.

We'd just begun our third race when I spoke up, not looking away from screen. "So why are you up so early?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't sleep."

"Any reason why?"

"No." He sighed, still rapidly clicking buttons on the control, but I could tell his mind wasn't in it. "Yes."

"Something that caused you to play video games all night?"

"Better than lying in bed and thinking."

"I guess so." I swerved the car in the game to bump his, and his lips twitched. "What were you thinking about?"

"You." He bumped his car back. "Al. Our parents talked to his for a long time last night, while you were asleep. His family had a huge fight. And James talked to me, finally."

I felt guilty. The Potters had been close friends with my family ever since we'd found out we were both wizards, and I never wanted there to be any kind of rift between us.

"So I guess you know," he said, slightly louder. I was startled.

"Know what?"

"James is gay." He paused, still not taking his eyes off the screen. "In love with me."

I didn't know what to say. I loved my brother, but his voice was so expressionless, I couldn't tell how he felt about it. I couldn't tell if he was considering his sexuality or even what he thought of gay people.

I looked down to my console. I heard my car crash. "Yeah, I knew."

"I guess this is why he was avoiding me for the past month."

"I didn't know he was avoiding you."

"Me neither." He sighed again. "Okay, I guess I did know. But I didn't know why. He saw me with Nell last night, I think I was holding her hand, and he pulled me aside and said we needed to talk."

"Oh."

He finally put his controller down and rubbed his eyes. "I had no idea."

"I know."

"I don't want to lose my best friend, but…" He was struggling for words. "I don't care if he's gay. But I can't pretend I feel something more for him when I don't."

"You don't have to."

"And I like Nell," he admitted. His hands were still over his eyes, but I could see that his cheeks were going a little pink. "I really like her."

"He didn't make you feel like you should return his feelings, did he?" I asked quietly.

"No," he admitted. "But I don't… I don't really know what to do. I don't know how things won't be awkward now. And we have that lease for the apartment in September…"

There was a moment of non-awkward, yet non-comfortable silence.

"Mandy?" he burst out suddenly, startling me again. He sat up straight and looked at me for the first time. "You really scared me, you know that?"

"I –"

"You scared all of us," he said, pulling the controllers away before pulling me into him and planting a kiss on the top of my head. "Merlin, I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too." I rested my head on his shoulder. "I… I'm really scared, Victor. And I've never been scared before."

"That's fine."

"No, it's not," I argued weakly. "I'm supposed to be a Gryffindor, I'm supposed to brave. I don't want to be like this anymore."

"Bravery has never been about not being afraid, Mandy," he said, pulling and picking up the controller. Our cars were dead last in the race now. "Fear isn't new to you. You can only get your rush you love _because_ you're scared."

"That's not…" I trailed off.

"Think about it." He turned off the game and rubbed his eyes. "I think I'm going to take a nap. Do you need anything?"

"No, no." We stood, but before he could leave, I launched myself on him. He laughed. "Okay, maybe I do."

"You'll be fine," he reassured me, smiling. "You're Mandy. You can get through anything."

And all I wanted to do was believe him.

* * *

Victor was right.

About bravery, I mean. I realized that he was right. Whenever I pulled one of my crazy stunts, it's not that I wasn't scared. I loved doing it _because_ I was scared. Not because I felt fearless, but because I felt so scared I was going to shit my pants. That's what made it fun.

I decided I was going to go back to the stream. It was the place I went to think, to clear my head. To catch frogs and go stargazing. I hadn't been there in a while, and I missed it.

My parents said it was okay if I went only if I had my wand. They could tell it meant a lot to me, and even if they were worried… well, it _was_ only a block away from my house. A short bike ride.

I decided to go right after I put Eleni to bed – mostly because she wouldn't let me out of her sight. I think I'd scared her most of all. I was just walking my bike out of the garage when I saw a large figure emerge from the shadows.

I gave a little yelp and dropped my bike.

"Hey, hey, it's just me!" I squinted in the little light coming from my house and realized it was Kevin. As you can imagine, that didn't exactly help my nerves; I backed up a few steps, beginning to shake.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"I just wanted to talk for a second," he said, raising his hands up in surrender. "I swear. I won't touch you."

I took a deep breath and nodded, but didn't come forwards. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to tell you something." He shook his head. "Well, apologize, really. I didn't mean to scare you so much that day in your van. I just wanted to tease you. I'm sorry."

"That's your idea of _teasing_?" I asked in disbelief. "Bloody hell."

"Works for Abbey," he said, shrugging. Before I could retort, he added, "I also wanted to tell you what happened. I'm sorry, I actually saw you drinking the punch, but I guess I was drunk and it didn't register to me what was probably in it."

"You did?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "It kind of hit me a few minutes later. By that time, you were gone, so I went to find Al and he got you out."

"Oh." I looked down to my shoes. So Al wasn't going to sleep with that girl. He really did save me. Did that mean he cared? "I… thanks."

"I'm really glad you're all right, Mullens," he said, nodding to me before apparating out. I was left alone, bike still fallen over, a little shocked. I mean, Kevin had always seemed like person who just could _not_ give a shit, and here he was… apologizing. Twice.

I shook my head and got onto my bike and started riding towards the stream. I couldn't believe I just had a decent conversation with the guy I'd been scared of for weeks. Or Abbey at the party, who I'd been jealous for so long. Even Steven, who creeped me out.

I guess everyone has a heart, deep down.

I rode straight into the forest, heading on the dirt path before straying off a bit, revelling the wind in my face. I followed the stream up to the opening, where a tiny pond had formed, trees circling around it. I instantly felt a bit better, just seeing it. I dropped my bike and started climbing my favourite tree – the tallest one, with a huge trunk and sprawling branches.

Climbing was second nature, almost. I quickly took my favourite route up to the top branches – as in, the ones that weren't too weak to hold my weight. I shifted myself so my back was against the trunk and used my wand to make the leaves part so I could see the stars.

I'd forgotten how serene this felt.

I don't know how long I sat there, at peace, when I heard ruffling and steps below. Gripping my wand tightly, I let the leaves drift back to normal and lowered myself a few branches, trying to peek and see who else had gone for a walk in the forest late at night. I saw a figure – a boy – stumble into the clearing, collapsing beside the pond. He curled his legs to his chest and held his hands to his head and was shaking.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was Al.

* * *

I couldn't be sure, but it was most likely that my jaw had fallen. I was practically frozen. Al hadn't come to this place in _years_ – why was he here? What was wrong? I wanted to get down from the tree, tell him I was there. Help him. But as much as it seemed like he was in dire need of a hug, he also looked like he needed to be alone.

So I watched, enraptured, as he began to speak aloud.

He put his hands behind his head and stared at the pitch-black shy. "I've read every holy book," he said clearly, as though he was speaking to someone. "The Bible. Gita. Quran. Torah. You name it. And in the end, I think they all say the same thing, in different ways." He closed his eyes. "Be a good person. Turn to God when you need to.

"I never really knew about this," he confessed. "It's more of a muggle thing. But I've read books and books about this, and it's incredible. How do they believe in something they can't see? Why do they?

"But I think I get it. I finally get it."

He opened his eyes. They were misty again. "This world... it's huge. But so small in the scheme of things, at the same time. And for some reason, it's easy to feel alone, and I am. I feel alone because I am. I've pushed everyone way.

"And it makes me wonder how many people have done this," he said, voice breaking. "Why did I push them away? I love them so much. But I'm not the only one, and I think that's why Muggles believe in God. Because it's a whole lot easier than being alone.

"I just wish someone understood."

I could barely breathe, in fear of missing something.

"So, God, I'm alone." He laughed shakily. "I guess some people would blame you, but I don't. Maybe you get lonely. You know how it feels. I don't blame you, because you didn't do this to me. I did.

"And maybe I just want to believe there's something out there that really, genuinely cares, you know?" he asked, swallowing. "Which is bullshit. I know my family loves me, and I have plenty of family. I'm lucky. I know that. There's nothing wrong with my life, not really, so nobody understands why I feel this way. Maybe you do."

_I do._

"It's just that everything is a disaster," he admitted. "My parents really cracked down on me after they found out what I did, so I left and stayed in Diagon Alley for a day. I knew it was wrong to leave, but don't worry God, I was caught. By _The Daily Prophet_. And they managed to get a lovely shot of me smoking.

"Oh, and it doesn't stop there," he said, laughing sarcastically. "Before that, I decided to shell out bullshit to my family about how it's their fault, when it's not. But I blamed them, can you believe it? And then I had the brains to say how these are my choices because I'm of age. God, I'm fucking seventeen. I don't know what I'm doing. I'd like to be myself, but I don't even know who that is."

He took a deep breath. "But I did something stupid. I decided to insult everyone in my family. My dad, for not being around more, when it's not his fault. My mum, for not giving me my freedom, when I don't really deserve it anyway. My siblings, for nosing in my business that they have no part of, but they do. I insulted them, packed my bags and left.

"I know I'm an idiot," he whispered. "I knew it as I said it, but I couldn't stop. So I left before I could say more. Because I really don't deserve my family. I really don't.

"But it just got worse, because I decided to go to Kevin's. I can't stand him anymore, okay? Not only for what he made me do to Mandy, but everything he stands for. He's disgusting. And I've always known that. But I went there anyway.

"'Course, he let me in. Drunk off his ass, high as a kite. All our friends were there. It was one in the morning, so of course they were. But for once, I just didn't feel like partying. Just once, I didn't feel like faking it, that everything was fine. I just wanted my friends to be there for me."

He gave a dry chuckle. "Like they gave a shit."

_I give a shit, Al. Merlin, I really do._

"He started shoving drinks in my face," Al said, shaking his head. Like he was remembering saying no. "I didn't want to numb myself. Not tonight. But he didn't get it, because that's how he always deals with his fucked up life. He started calling me a -" Al broke off, running his hands through his hair.

I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say.

"I just couldn't shake the feeling of how wrong it all was," he said, staring up at the sky again. "I don't know if it's wrong, God. But I don't like this anymore. Drinking until you can't think anymore. Getting high for a thrill. Smoking so you fit in. I've never seen anything wrong about it until now. Sure, there's a health thing, but I just..."

He trailed off, pulling a piece of grass out of the ground. He turned over and over in his fingers. "When did it become okay for us to rely on these things to forget our shitty lives? Why am I so hooked? Why can't I just make my life better instead of making it worse so I can keep ruining my liver and my lungs?"

He paused. "My mind. I feel like I'm ruining my mind."

He let the grass go and sighed. "I quit tonight. I quit my family, but I'm going to show them how much I really love them. But I quit smoking, I quit drugs, I quit drinking." He closed his eyes. "I don't want to be numb anymore."

He paused again. "She doesn't make me feel numb."

I froze.

"Have you ever felt like there was someone who just gets it?" he asked. "Gets you? Someone who you could trust with your life? Someone you would die for?" He smiled a little. "I love my best friend. My real best friend. She's been my best friend since we were practically in diapers. I've loved her my entire life, and I only just figured it out. But you know me," he added, smile dropping. "I screwed it up, like I always do.

"But it doesn't mean I stop feeling it," he said quietly. "I think I get that now. I don't think it goes away. Even if she hates me, I can't stop thinking of her as my best friend.

"She's really beautiful, you know that?" he asked. I felt a shiver run down my spine. "She's got this way of seeing the good in everyone. Even me. But she gets how awful I am too, because I hurt her. She's got more common sense than any Ravenclaw I know, but she's insane. Loves adrenaline. Loves adventure and imagination, and she's not afraid of being _her_." He closed his eyes. "I've never met someone like her, and I've tried. Trust me. But she's the only one."

I was speechless.

"I know I'm being selfish, talking about myself and choosing our first conversation to be about this shit." He chuckled again. "I'm not asking for you to make things better. I don't even know if I really believe you exist. It's just that I want to believe in the idea of you. That's there's really someone who wants to listen. I think there are rules for these things, like I have to go to temple or something, but I don't really get it. I just thought you're here to help. Sorry if I'm not doing this right."

He took in a sharp breath, voice all kinds of shattered and defeated. "I think it's pretty obvious I'm a fuck-up."

And with that, Al finally broke down from the pressure and began to cry.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

There were a two things I knew Al hated doing, even as a child. One was apologize. The other was cry. I wasn't sure why, but I was a hundred percent sure he hated doing those things. Maybe he thought they were signs of weakness.

I watched as he sat there after he stopped crying, breathing deeply, eyes closed. I didn't know if he was still praying. He was kind of beautiful, in a way. Human. And I wanted him to understand that humans make mistakes, and still deserve love. Especially from his family. Especially mine.

It's just… I never knew he felt this way. It wasn't like there was a whole lot of _new _information, but I just didn't know he felt so intensely about these things. I didn't even know what God was, in all honesty. I didn't know how alone he actually felt.

I knew I should've been unbelievably angry with him, but I don't think I could be after that. I've never been all that great at holding grudges. The fact was that what happened to me _wasn't_ his fault. No, he shouldn't have ditched me and started flirting with another girl, and I was still hurt over this, but he didn't plan to get me raped. He was the one who saved me.

But he also used me. Lied to me.

There was also the fact that he didn't _tell_ me to do anything. I mean, he pressured me into smoking that first time, but he never did it again. He never told me to smoke weed. He never told me to change myself. I shouldn't have let his comments and Kevin's insults affect me that much. My change was _my _fault.

I was so conflicted. I understood how sorry he felt, I really did. I understood that he regretted it. I understood that he wanted to fix things, but he felt helpless and didn't know how. From an outsider, it just seemed to me that there was a simple way to fix things – but that was the problem, wasn't it? He needed help. Help that he kept pushing away.

Although, he _did_ quit smoking. He quit drugs. That spoke volumes to me.

Maybe I was naïve and stupid, but I wanted to give him a second chance. Just for friendship. Deep down, I had never and could not believe he was a bad person at heart. I didn't owe him anything. I just wanted to help him get back on his feet again.

Al didn't move as I started climbing down the tree. He didn't have anywhere to go. I don't think he even _heard_ me come up to him. Seemed too lost in himself. Only when I plopped down beside him did he look up.

"Mandy," he said, a little dazed. Then something clicked in his mind, and he seemed to realize that I was _here._ He sounded somewhere in between terrified and panicky. "Wait, _Mandy_? What are you doing here?"

I shrugged, settling into the grass, not looking at him. "Needed to get out for a bit."

"But you…" He ran a hand through his hair. Then quickly wiped his face with his sleeve, remembering that he'd been crying. "How – how long have you been here?"

"The entire time."

He swore loudly and covered his face with his hands. I twiddled my thumbs a little. I didn't feel too awkward. I just wanted him to get over his embarrassment so I could help.

He finally exhaled loudly in resignation. "Okay. You know everything now. Don't do the pity thing, I hate it."

"I don't pity you," I said irritably. "I think you brought this mental breakdown all by yourself. You knew what you were doing was wrong and you did it anyway. In fact," I added, smirking, "you _need_ this mental breakdown."

"Tell me something I don't know," he retorted. "Then why are you here?"

"Because I give a shit."

He snorted. "You shouldn't."

"Just drop the act for a second, will you?" I demanded. "Maybe that's one of the biggest problems of yours, did you ever realize that? You don't have to act like anything for anyone. I know you're miserable and broken down and I don't think you need to snap at everyone who tries to help you."

"I –" He broke off. "Right. You're right."

"You have to stop pushing people away."

"I know," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. You should yell at me for as long as you want. I don't really deserve you caring about me."

"I didn't come here to yell at you_._" I shifted closer and took his hand in mine. I hoped this looked more friendly than romantic. "I didn't mean for you to pity _yourself._"

"I _don't_," he said sharply. "I don't pity myself. I fucking hate myself."

We fell silent for a moment. I didn't know what to say. In a way, I could see why he hated himself. I would hate myself too, if I treated my friends and family this way. I would be disappointed in myself.

"Al," I said after some time, "what happened?"

"Erm. Well, I had a huge fight with my parents –"

"No, no, not just now," I said, shaking my head. "When we were eleven. When you started making fun of me. When you started smoking. What happened _then?_"

Al went quiet for another moment, thinking. He was gripping my hand firmly.

"I think it started when I was Sorted," he admitted. "I mean, I sort of felt like a failure. I couldn't even get into Gryffindor. And then I found out about my family – you know. War heroes."

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "You didn't know before, right?"

"No, I didn't. I guess that's when all the pressure started." He turned to face towards me. His eyes were shining again. "I started reading the newspaper and stuff. I realized how much they were expecting of me, and I'm not even as close to being as brave as my dad.

"Then I thought you didn't want to be friends anymore," he admitted, eyes flickering down to our hands. "I mean, I'd always felt a bit inferior in that way. You were always looking for adventure, and I'm not really into adventure. I'm into sitting in the back of the library and reading books all day."

I felt my expression crumbling. "But I didn't mean –"

"I know you never meant it," he assured, "but that's how I felt. And still do, sometimes. I'm half-convinced you're going to run away and live this adventurous, amazing life, and you'll leave me behind."

I was speechless.

"So I made friends in Ravenclaw. Ones who were like me who liked to get competitive for grades and we studied together and stuff. They just didn't like you because you stuck out and the professors loved you, and they got jealous. They pressured me into teasing you, too. I thought you'd moved on and didn't care anyway." He avoided my eyes as he spoke. "I wish it wasn't true, but by the time I'd gotten used to making fun of you, I'd started believing them."

"Oh." I never got used to that. The fact that he'd genuinely hated me for all those years. I swallowed thickly. "Okay."

"I'm sorry." He squeezed my hand. "I started smoking in fifth year. Right in the middle of studying for O.W.L.'s. I was over at Kevin's house over at Easter. His entire family smokes," he added. "That was the first time I'd ever tried smoking, and I got hooked. Ever since then, it was non-stop going over to his house, getting drunk and high any chance we could."

"And that continued up until now." He nodded, and I shook my head in astonishment. "You know, he came to apologize right before I came here."

"He did?"

"Yeah." I shrugged. "He was even sober. Looked like the guilt was eating at him."

"It happens," Al said thoughtfully. "Pretty rare. He looked freaked out when he told me you'd drunk the punch, you know? I don't think he likes rape all that much, either."

"What happened that night?" I asked quietly. "Why'd you get so mad and ditch me?"

"I…" He ran a hand through his hair again. "Look, I don't know if I ever realized it before this summer, but I've always liked who you are. Just the way you think about things and how you don't care about the shit I've always cared about. Society and the media and all that."

"_Oh._" I furrowed my eyebrows. "So it was the dress?"

"I dunno. You weren't yourself that night." He was struggling for words. "Look, that entire crowd is constantly trying to either rebel or conform to an ideal, and you were the _only_ person who didn't do either. And I really love that about you."

My face suddenly felt as though it had been doused in flames.

"I overreacted," he admitted. "I was just so angry because you were trying to be like them. I also…" He ducked his head. "I sort of despise public displays of affection."

My eyebrows shot up. "_Really_? But we snogged a ton of times in Kevin's apartment –"

"Yeah, but that was for show, remember?" he pointed out. "I thought we were kind of together by that party. And I hated that it was our first date," he added, almost shyly.

I was getting a little confused. "What do you mean?"

"I dunno," he mumbled, turning red. "I've dated a few girls, and it had been casual and meaningless. I just wanted to do things right with you. I didn't want everyone knowing our business." My eyes widened in understanding.

Bloody hell, Al was _romantic._

"Oh," I said, biting my smile back. "Okay."

He cleared his throat. "So, after that, I'd gotten a bit drunk and was talking to some stupid girl to – to make you jealous," he admitted, glancing apologetically at me, "and then Kevin came up to me and said that you'd had the punch and disappeared. So I checked every bedroom, and sure enough…"

My cheeks felt unbearably hot again.

"I sort of lost it," he said, looking a bit embarrassed. "I punched one of the guys, Kevin punched the other. You were completely out of it. He helped me get you back to my room and… well, I guess you know the rest."

I swallowed. I couldn't believe it. "I don't know what to say."

"It was terrifying," he told me. "Honestly, if he hadn't been there, I wouldn't have known what to do. You were…" He shook his head and shut his mouth, closing his eyes like he was trying not to think about it.

Before I really knew what I was doing, I let go of his hand and slowly wrapped my arms around him. It still made me a bit nervous to be doing this after the whole ordeal, but I wanted nothing more to hold him at that moment. I just acted on instinct.

"What happened after?" I whispered in his ear. He seemed a bit shell-shocked, but he slid his arms around my waist. "After the hospital yesterday. What happened?"

"Oh." He took a deep breath. "I guess you heard about most of it. I had a huge fight with my parents and told them some horrible things. I packed up a bag and took all the money I had and went to the Leaky Cauldron for a night. Drank and smoked just about all night and slept the entire day."

"_Al._"

"I know I shouldn't have," he said, voice breaking. "Someone from _The Daily Prophet_ caught me smoking, I'm sure my parents saw it. I didn't have enough money for another night at the Leaky Cauldron, so they kicked me out. I went to Kevin's, and he just told me to forget it all and drink."

"And you quit," I said softly.

"I hadn't quit before just now," he said, adjusting me on his lap and pulling me closer. "But I just wanted to talk to someone. I thought I might've been able to talk to him, after that night, but…" He pressed his eyes to my shoulder.

"You don't want to feel numb?"

"No. I don't." He breathed deeply. "I'm tired of the superficiality of it all. I'm tired of running away from everything. I'm tired of not feeling like I'm _there, _you know? Like I'm present but I'm not involved and I don't feel a thing."

I nodded. "I really understand that."

"Have you ever just felt so empty?" he asked me, nearly choking on the question. "Like there's literally nothing and no one that can fill this space that's horrifically big and painful. And it never stops growing, you know? And then I just keep noticing how empty and shallow reality really is - how do you not notice that?" he demanded.

"I'm not sure," I answered softly. "It's not that I don't notice it. I just try not to focus on it, because I'd go insane."

"I can't ignore it. I just wish it could stop. All of it. I hate knowing that I'm going to have to go through this shit for the rest of my life, and I don't want to anymore, Mandy." My heart froze at his words, and I lifted my head to find his eyes. They were red and swollen and heartbroken.

"Al, you don't mean that, do you?" I asked weakly.

"Sometimes I do." He buried his face in my shoulder. "I just feel like the little things that make me happy are always the things I ruin. Like my family. Like you."

"I've always been here," I admittedly quietly. "I never hated you."

"But you should." He shuddered. "Why do I always hurt the ones I love?"

"We all do, Al." I took his hand and squeezed it. "It's human, okay? You're human. It's completely normal, you've got accept that. And the people you love happen to love you too. You can apologize to your family. It's not all lost."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I squeezed his hand again. "I know it's hard, but you have to let some things go. Stop letting the pressure get to you. Find an outlet."

"I work out a few times a week."

"It's not enough sometimes," I whispered to him. "Write, take a walk, listen to music, relax. There are some things you can change, and some you can't – like society. You just have to accept that, unless you'd like to be Minister of Magic or something."

"Okay," he croaked, nodding.

"So what can you change?"

He took a deep breath and leaned back, wiping his eyes. "My friends, I guess. I can apologize to my family. And to you."

I smiled.

"I don't really know what I'm doing, otherwise," he admitted. "I study a lot and get good grades, but I haven't anything to work for. My future's sort of looming. Unknown. In the dumps," he added with a sarcastic chuckle.

I blew out a long breath, smiling fully now. "That's something we can figure out."

"You'd help me?" he asked. "Really?"

"What am I doing now?" I asked, laughing.

"But…" He was struggling to say this. "It's just – why me? Why do you still want to be around me? Why are you willing to help?"

"Like I said," I told him, shrugging again. "I give a shit. Unlike your friends."

He scrutinized me for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought. "You don't forgive me, do you?"

"Not fully. Not yet."

"But you're giving me another chance."

"Yes, I thought that was obvious." He smiled weakly, and I grabbed his hand. "Come on, we'll deal with this tomorrow."

"But where am I -"

"You can stay with me," I said matter-of-factly, pulling him up off the ground. "I think you need to some sleep and food. Then we can get your life sorted, okay?" I turned to pull him with me, but I suddenly stumbled back into him, his arms crushing me close to his chest.

"I love you," he whispered. It was like sending a shiver through my heart. "It's so easy to love you, Mandy. Thank you."

I was blushing the entire way home.

* * *

My mother was not happy.

In all honesty, I'd completely forgotten how much my family did not approve of Al at the moment. And I couldn't exactly say that they were like me and couldn't hold grudges and forgave easily. They didn't happen to be in love with him, either.

So when I stepped into my quiet home just before three in the morning, my mum was _already_ pissed off that I'd been gone so long. Just imagine the look on her face when Al stepped in behind me. It would've been hilarious, if she weren't furious.

"Before you say anything," I blurted out, holding my hands up in surrender, "I didn't go out to see him. We bumped into each other. And we talked for a long time, nothing else."

Her lips pursed tightly in a straight line. I heard Al gulp behind me.

"Mum, I know he did something wrong, but it's okay." I barely knew what I was saying at this point. I was exhausted and my brain hurt and I needed to get to bed as soon as possible. "I mean, it's not okay, and I haven't really forgiven him, but I think he needs a change. He doesn't really have anywhere else to go."

"He doesn't have anywhere to go?" Mum asked, forgetting her anger for a moment in surprise. Her gaze shifted to Al. "What happened?"

"I left," he admitted, shifting from one foot to the other, avoiding her eyes. "I want to go back tomorrow and sort things out, but I don't think – I mean, going back now is just –"

"He's just going to stay the night, Mum," I cut in. "That's it."

She only glared at me.

"He's sleeping on the floor, too."

Al groaned, and she finally cracked a tiny smile.

It was gone in another moment when she gave a long sigh and crossed her arms against the front of her bathrobe. "Al, you know you're family and you're always welcome, but I'm not sure this is appropriate."

He nodded. "I understand."

"You have a lot of explaining to do in the morning."

"Yeah." His voice was shaking, but he knew it was the truth. "I will. I promise."

I could see my mum didn't want to allow this, but she always knew when something was important to me. I could tell that there was another long conversation headed my way this morning for me, too. Mum nodded to me before tiredly heading back upstairs.

"He'd better be _staying_ on the floor."

I suppose she had a point.

* * *

I think I'd thrown Al one of my old sleeping bags before collapsing in bed. That was the fastest I'd ever fallen asleep in my entire life. When I woke next, my room was glowing in the orange-pink colours of the sunrise, and who else but Al was sitting at the edge of my bed, his hand in my hair, stroking and soothing my head.

I think it would've been slightly creepy if he was staring at me, but he wasn't. He was staring out my window, watching the sun peek out from the horizon, absent-mindedly running his fingers through my hair.

I closed my eyes as I heard my door open behind me. I felt him turn, his hand becoming still. There was no mistaking my mum's footsteps.

"Not sleeping?" she whispered to Al.

"Mandy is." He paused and moved another strand of hair away from my face. I could hear the nerves in his voice. "Checking up on us?"

"Of course." That was all she said before she left, closing the door behind her. When I opened my eyes, I saw Al looking at me so tenderly I felt something tighten in my chest.

"Sorry for waking you," he whispered immediately, moving his hands away and crossing them in his lap. He looked incredibly guilty. "Couldn't sleep."

"'Sokay."

"Need a smoke," he admitted. This much was true; he was jittery and agitated. I sleepily took his hand in mine and squeezed it.

"Try to resist, okay?" I whispered, my eyes falling closed again. "You have nothing to worry about right now. Go back to sleep."

He exhaled, and I felt his breath ghost across my face. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Sleep is wonderful."

He chuckled lightly, slipping his hand out of mine before crawling back into his sleeping bag. I didn't know if either of us had managed to fall asleep, or even how much time had passed before I heard someone's footsteps running towards my room and barging in loudly.

Only Nell.

"Go away," I groaned, throwing a pillow at her. Fond memories of sharing a dorm room, honestly. Though it wasn't normally that _she_ was the one who was up first.

She threw the pillow back at me, aiming for my head, but it slid over top of me and landed on Al on the other side of the bed. I began to laugh – but then I caught sight of Nell's face. She looked furious.

"What happened to you?" I asked, frowning at her.

"Nothing," she seethed, crossing her arms tightly around her, "but I seemed to remember a certain someone who manipulated you, hurt you, lead you on and ditched you just so you could nearly get _raped_ –"

"Hey, that wasn't his fault –"

"Yeah, that guy?" she continued as if I hadn't interrupted. "Why the hell is he staying over?"

I climbed out of bed, biting my lip. I know she was just being protective, and rightly so, but I didn't think she understood why I let Al stay over. Why I was ultimately going to help him get back on track.

I also was pretty sure she couldn't see that he was sleeping on the floor in my room.

"Look, Nell," I said quietly, fiddling with the hem of my shirt, "I think some of that was my fault. I shouldn't have let some of those comments get to me, and I picked those clothes because I wanted to –"

"Bullshit," she said angrily.

"It's true!"

"Oh, come on, Mandy!" she snapped, grabbing my arm and dragging me over to my closet. She shoved through some of the choices we'd picked out. "Would you have ever worn this before? Would you have even _considered_ the clothes Addie got you?"

"I –"

"No, because the Mandy I know didn't care," she stated. "You _never _cared about this stuff."

I began to feel extremely irritated. "Well I'm sorry, but if you haven't noticed, people change."

"Yeah, but you changed for _him,_" she pointed out. I shifted uncomfortably at that. "You can't deny that. You told me you were afraid he thought you were ugly."

"Not afraid," I mumbled, wishing she'd shut up. She didn't know he was in the room, and I had to deal with this after – not her. But the night before, he'd also said I was beautiful. Which one was the truth? "Not afraid, he said I was ugly."

"_Exactly._" She exhaled loudly and gave me a desperate look. Merlin, she really did care for me. "Mandy, why did you forgive him?"

"I haven't forgiven him _yet_ –"

"He's in your house –"

"I know he doesn't deserve it," I whispered, hoping he couldn't hear, but it was pointless to delude myself that he couldn't. "I _know_ that, Nell. But he's torn up about this, and his life, and I know it's going to take a while for him to make it up for me. I don't trust him yet. But I want to help him now."

Nell stared at me in disbelief.

"You're too good for him, you know," she said, shaking her head in resignation. "You deserve someone who doesn't hurt you like that and change you. I feel like I barely recognize you."

I wrapped my arms around my best friend and squeezed tightly. "I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing this time."

"You don't make plans," she mumbled against my shoulder.

"Yeah, well." I let go and smiled at her. "I'll see you at breakfast, okay?"

She nodded and hugged me again before leaving. I headed straight to my bed and crumpled into it, burying my face in my pillow and hoping desperately Al wouldn't bring it up. But without fail, I heard him stand and sit on my bed.

"Mandy," he said softly, all kinds of guilt in his voice. "Did I really do that to you?"

I just wanted to disappear. "Do what."

"Make you feel… like _that._"

I shrugged.

"Dammit, Mandy, just tell me!" I looked up to him to see him clutching my duvet, jaw clenched. "Why did you let me do this to you? Why couldn't you just tell me how much I was hurting you?"

I shrugged again and sat up, avoiding his eyes. "I was in love with you."

"You - _what_?"

"I'm love with you," I admittedly shyly. I'd only just realized it, but it wasn't exactly breaking news. I'd always loved him, even if I'd questioned it.

"You're – you love – _how?_" he demanded, all sorts of ferocity in his eyes. He looked absolutely torn. "You can't_._ Not after that. Not after I used you and said those things and made you smoke and –"

"I knew you were using me, though!" I insisted. It was like everything was making sense. Why I was so willing to go along with it. "I just – I wanted you back, so badly, any way I could –"

"But you –"

"Why do you think I put up with your shit?" I asked, brushing my hair out my eyes. "You're right, I would've punched the shit out of someone else – but not you. And now you know why."

"_Fuck,_" he swore, leaning back, covering his eyes with his palms. "Fuck, this isn't fair, Mandy –"

"This isn't _fair_?"

"I don't deserve you!" he moaned. "Not at all, this isn't right, this isn't how I wanted this to happen."

"How did you want this to happen?" I demanded.

"I – I wanted to take you out," he stated, suddenly looking at me intensely. "I wanted to take to a movie and put my arm around you. I wanted to hold your hand all through dinner and make stupid jokes about how fancy the place is. I wanted to kiss you goodnight at your doorstep. I wanted to take this slow."

What the hell.

Scripted, much?

I narrowed my eyes. "That sounded like it came out of a book."

He turned red. "Yeah, well, his words are way better than mine."

"No." I shook my head and crossed my arms against my chest. "No, that's bullshit. I want to know your words, and that's it. And I don't care if they're perfect."

"I can't do that."

"Then how do you deserve _anyone_?" I asked. "Because when people are looking at you, they're looking for Al Potter, not an imitation of him that spouts off scripted lines."

He paused. "Is that why you don't know me?"

I suddenly remembered that's what I'd told him before. When he said that he loved me the first time, I told him I didn't feel like I really knew him. What I did know was how he was so reluctant to be himself.

And I remembered how I compared _everything _to a fairytale, and you know what? I couldn't blame him for wanting to be Prince Charming. That's all I'd been looking for the entire time. But I was finally realizing I didn't want it anymore.

"I was wrong," I admitted slowly, not meeting his eyes. "I do know you. I shouldn't have said that I don't. I just don't think I could handle knowing the parts of you that I don't like."

He suddenly became very quiet. "I love you in spite of those things."

"You shouldn't say that."

"Say what?"

"That you love me."

To my surprise, he snorted. I instantly put up my defenses.

"Well, how do I know if it's the truth?" I asked, my voice more vulnerable than demanding. "How am I supposed to know that this isn't you using me again because you don't have a place to stay or something?"

He tried to hide it, but he looked hurt. "Guess I deserved that."

"That's the thing," I confessed quietly. "That's why I don't know if I can handle it. Because you're so different around your friends, and one minute it seems like you care, and the next minute you said I was the ugliest girl in school."

"I never said that," he said immediately. "That was Kevin, and he's an idiot – oh, Merlin," he added, breaking off with a groan. "You heard that? That's why you bought new clothes?"

I turned red. This was really, _really_ embarrassing.

"Bloody hell," he groaned, grabbing one of my pillows and hugging it to himself. "I didn't even _know_ I could fuck up this badly."

"So it's true?" I asked, before I could stop myself. "What Kevin said?"

"Of course not," he dismissed quickly. "I just couldn't bloody well interrupt Kevin and start talking about how amazing I think you are, right? He won't listen to anything he doesn't want to."

"And you were scared to interrupt," I added.

He let out a long breath. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I really do think you're beautiful," he said quietly, almost shyly. My face felt even hotter, if that was possible. "Looks are for first impressions. I don't really remember what mine was of yours, we were too young. I just... know who you are, I guess."

"So what about now?" I asked, almost equally as shy. "Am I really that bad?"

"Hell no," he denied. "Kevin likes half-naked girls who are so vulnerable they'll sleep with anyone. You don't fit in that category, and you shouldn't want to."

"So what are your standards, then?"

"Normal girls. I don't know. It's hard to generalize."

"So you like me better in boy's clothes?" I asked in disbelief. "Because you seemed to like how I looked on that night of the party -"

"No, I didn't." He thought for a second. "Well, I did, but I didn't like how strange you were acting. People aren't defined by their clothes, you know? It's the act that comes with it."

"So you liked the boy's clothes," I repeated, stumped.

"You don't get it, Mandy," he said, almost impatiently. "I like _you_, not your fucking clothes."

_Oh._

That should've been obvious to me.

"Like I said, I don't remember my first impression of you," he told me. "I never thought you were ugly. Past first impressions, I don't think looks matter."

I frowned. "That's not true. People sometimes don't talk to people because they look disgusting that day -"

"They don't matter to me," he clarified, looking away. "I can be a decent person. Sometimes."

"Yeah." I nodded, suddenly understanding. Suddenly feeling like an idiot. It was so shallow how I'd been acting. Sure, I should've dressed appropriately, but past that, I should still be the same person. And I used to be much more confident than before.

He chuckled at my expression. I was realizing how smart Al actually was. I realized I'd subconsciously marked him as shallow, but he was smarter than that. And he didn't need to brag to show it.

This boy felt foreign and familiar at the same time. He was the same kid from all those years ago who'd grown up. He thought too much. He was lonely. He chose the wrong way to deal with things. He was shy. He didn't have a clue to what he was doing with his life. But he was also the most clever person I knew, who didn't see reality as a dream - but he imagined. He liked extraordinary things. He was romantic. He loved his family more than anything in the world, even if he didn't know how to show it. He was more than his mistakes.

I smiled gently, almost sadly. "You know, I wish you were at least half as good at loving yourself as you are at loving me."

He didn't have an answer for that.

I scooted closer to him, alarming him for a moment. I didn't back away. I didn't want to. "Look, I just want you to tell me how you feel. Honestly. Without trying to be someone else."

"Erm, no, I don't think –"

"Look at me," I interrupted, using my palms on his cheeks to direct his eyes towards mine. "Look at me and just say the first things on your mind."

His eyes widened, seeming terrified.

"On the count of three," I told him, sliding my hands off of him, holding his gaze. "One... two..."

"I – I want to love you," he blurted out. My breath hitched in my chest. "I want to hold you. I don't – I don't really give a shit what we're – we're doing, I just want to be able to – I dunno, to hold you. I just like making you laugh and forgetting everything else. And I want to kiss you. So – umm, basically, I'll do anything you want, because I just want to love you – _properly_, without anyone around, without caring what they think, and… yeah," he finished weakly.

I couldn't breathe. It was unplanned, rushed and messy. Didn't really make sense.

But it was real.

He blushed so hard I thought he was going to explode. "Oh, bloody hell," he groaned, burying his face in his hands again. "That was horrible, wasn't it?"

I swallowed roughly against my dry throat. "No."

"Shit." He glanced up, looking entirely mortified and ashamed. "Maybe we should skip to the part where you kick me out for being a complete and utter -"

"Shut up before I snog the living daylights out of you," I stammered, shifting away from him. If possibly, I was blushing harder than him.

Merlin, I loved this boy. For some reason, I really loved him.

"Mandy?" I looked up, still blushing. He was nervous again. "I know I screwed up. And I don't deserve a second chance. But… you said you want to help me, and I don't want to push you away."

I grinned.

"I can't publicly confess my love in the Great Hall or anything," he said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Don't think I could do anything like that."

"I'd probably kill you if you did."

He let out a shaky laugh. "I just want to make this up to you, somehow. For everything I did this summer."

"You will," I assured him. I couldn't help but see the potential between us. I mean, nothing that had happened between us was right. Nothing about our relationship was healthy. But it was the truth.

But we could fix the huge mess we'd managed to make. We could figure out where we were with each other, and we could forgive each other – and ourselves. We could move past this. I knew we could.

Our relationship was repairable. _We_ were repairable.

It was just going to take time.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

"We are not watching a chick flick _again._"

"I love this movie!"

"Not a selling point."

"You picked last time," I insisted stubbornly, turning away from Al and putting the DVD in the player. I loved this particular muggle invention, I had to admit. "We're watching this one." Al threw a pillow at me from the couch.

Typical.

I bounded back to the couch at the exact same moment Al decided to stretch out over the tiny thing, and he was so tall that his shins were flapping off the edge. He gave me a wicked smile as I stood in front of him, scowling.

"Move, prat," I growled, unsuccessfully trying to shift him over. He didn't budge.

"I'm comfortable here, thanks."

"Aren't you supposed to make _me_ comfortable? I'm the guest."

"You're here too often to be a guest."

"Or you're just a terrible host."

"Not likely – _hey!_" He gave a yelp as I planted my arse onto his stomach. Don't look at me like that; with those muscles, he could handle it. He shoved me off and scooted, giving me my spot next to him.

"Movie's almost starting," I said cheerfully, sitting down and grabbing the thin blanket hanging off the back of his couch. It was nearing the end of August, and it was getting a bit colder at night now. Al tugged some of the blanket over his legs and put his arm around me to pull me closer.

I know what this looked like, but we were not – I repeat, _not_ – back together.

Since Al's mental breakdown, we'd reached a sort of middle ground. I helped explain what happened to our parents, and they agreed to help Al rid of his smoking addiction and stay away from the weed and alcohol. He apologized to his entire family, and of course they forgave him. They'd even told the Daily Prophet to lay off Al after the first article about him came out.

And he hadn't seen his friends in two weeks.

Al pretended that it didn't hurt him, but I could see it did. He hadn't contacted them in those weeks, afraid that he might be sucked back in because it was just too _easy,_ but they hadn't tried, either. I didn't have a clue why. I thought Abbey and Steve genuinely cared for him, and the last time they saw him, he was on the verge of exploding.

Either way, I couldn't help but be (perhaps a little selfishly) relieved. He spent nearly every day with me since. In that time, we'd done things that didn't involve smoking or drugs or drinking – like bowling. Walking in the park. Going to the beach. Watching a shitload of movies at Al's house, like we were doing then. Al shared my love for horror movies, but not for romantic comedies.

I think we all know how much I loved those.

"Crap," Al said suddenly, jerking me out of my thoughts. "We forgot popcorn."

'_Feature Presentation'_ was already scanning across the screen. I groaned. "You get it."

"I got it last time!"

"Did not!"

"Get it or I'll tickle you again."

I narrowed my eyes. "You wouldn't."

"You know full well I would."

"You realize tickling is a form of torture, right? Like, right up there with the Cruciatus – AL, GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!"

He grinned, moving his fingers lightly along my sides. "Extra butter, Mandy."

I was panting from over giggling already. "You're – you're effing _straddling_ me – you – you think I can – go get popcorn?"

"You can do magic."

"Get _off._" I managed to shove him off of me and dump him straight on the floor. He landed on the carpet, laughing as hard as I was at this point. Merlin, I loved those moments.

"I'm full from dinner anyway," he decided, plopping back beside me and wrapping the blanket around us. I smiled and snuggled into him. Even if I was determined to keep our conversations as friendly and non-flirty as possible, I never said no to snuggling. Ever.

"What are you guys watching?" James asked, walking into the kitchen across the living room and opening the fridge. He squinted at the screen as he reached for the orange juice. "Another chick flick?"

"Unfortunately," Al muttered, a light smile still brightening his face as he leaned his head back onto the couch. "Want to join us, James?"

He shrugged, focusing on his glass of juice. It wasn't out of pity – we usually asked anyone who was there to join us, besides Eleni. The reason we didn't watch movies at my house was because she _always_ wanted to watch, and they weren't quite… age appropriate. But James had watched movies with us a few times.

I suppose I couldn't help but also feel a bit sorry for him, since Victor and Nell had become "official" the week before. My brother and James had talked it over, and James agreed that it wasn't fair that he was holding Victor back from dating Nell. But I knew they were still both torn up over it.

They didn't want this to come between their friendship, and they were pretty determined for it not to. They still had plans to live with each other in September, and James didn't glare daggers at Nell. I think he was really trying to move past it.

But he just looked so… _sad._

"I don't really feel up to watching a chick flick," he confessed, looking away from the cheery music on the screen. He took a large gulp of juice from the carton. "Besides, Lily is forcing me to go to this party."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I know this hot gay boy," Lily announced, striding into the room. Her eyes narrowed when she saw James, orange juice mustache and all. "You are _not _going like that."

He glanced down at his t-shirt and jeans. "What's wrong with this?"

"Could you make _some_ effort?" she muttered, rummaging through her purse. She was wearing a pretty, sheer top with a skirt. Her heels were so tall, it made my feet hurt just looking at them – but Lily looked great.

I leaned my head back on Al's shoulder, thinking as Lily dragged James back upstairs. She was so confident in those clothes, and I couldn't help thinking if there was a connection between the attitude, the clothes and what happened to me.

"Al?" I stared determinedly at the television. "Why do you let her go out like that?"

He snorted. "I don't try to argue with her."

"But aren't you scared?" I asked in a small voice, fidgeting underneath the blanket. "I mean… nothing really ever happened to me when I was wearing… well, clothing I like wearing. More covered up. But that one time I wore that dress…"

Al frowned at me. "You think Lily might get raped because of what she's wearing?"

"Merlin, I hope not," I said, shaking my head. "But… is that why _I _–"

"No," Al interrupted immediately. "No, it's because those guys were disgusting and would've done that to any girl who was drugged."

"Are you sure?"

"It wasn't your fault," he said firmly, tightening his arm around me. "Nobody has a right to force themselves on someone. No matter that they're wearing."

"But girls who wear less are more likely to get in those situations," I pointed out sadly. "It's not fair, but I just don't want Lily or Addie to get hurt because of their clothes."

"Me neither."

"I just want them to be proud of themselves." I hesitated. "When I wore those clothes, they weren't for me. But they like it, and they should proudly wear whatever they want without having to worry about it."

Al didn't say anything. Probably didn't know what to say.

I snuggled into his shoulder and closed my eyes. We'd never talked about what happened – well that specific part of it. The part that we would rather not remember. And I didn't know if we _needed_ to. I wasn't scared it would happen to me again, but it did make me nervous to the possibility of it happening to someone else. I was so aware of how often it did happen to someone else.

It seemed that summer was when I'd become aware of a lot of things. I was now consciously aware of other people – and I cared what they thought. I realized that people judge their first impressions of you based on how you dressed. I found there was a world outside my little bubble, one of twisted people and sick minds – but there was also a lot of beauty in the most unexpected places.

It was almost shallow, how little I felt compared to Al – but it wasn't that I really was superficial. I didn't believe that how much emotion I felt had anything to do with that. I had different ways of dealing with my problems, a way that didn't involve bottling up my emotions and letting them collapse.

But he did, and he turned to things that probably added more to his stress than helped it. He'd been clean for two full weeks, but I wasn't naïve enough to think that he was completely fine. I knew he still felt bitterly about expectations and life in general, and until he figured out a good way to deal with it, I didn't mind holding him. If it made me feel a bit safer, and if it made him feel a little less empty.

We continued watching the movie like that. In this gentle, not quite awkward, almost comfortable sort of silence. The thin line between friendship and a bit more. I saw him doze off in a few parts, and then hastily stare at the screen when he realized he had. I had to bite back my smile.

"Mandy," he said quietly, about two-thirds way through the movie. I glanced to him; he was staring at the screen, but his eyes had glazed over. "You got your Hogwarts letter, right?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, why?"

"I got Head Boy," he admitted. My jaw dropped.

"Congratulations," I said excitedly, leaning up to kiss his cheek. That brought a small smile to his face. "That's amazing, Al."

He got a little pink in the face. "I guess. I mean, it's going to be a lot of hard work, and… I dunno." He avoided my eyes. "People are going to be looking up to me and shit."

"Oh," I said, suddenly realizing why he was so apprehensive. "Al, you'll do fine."

"I dunno," he repeated in a small voice. "I'm really not a role model."

"There's a reason you got picked for this, Al," I said confidently, taking his hand. I hadn't done that in a while. "You'll do fine, and you're still not alone in this. Whoever is Head Girl shares half of your work, and you know I'll keep you on track with quitting smoking and all."

I had a feeling no one had seen him as vulnerable as I had. He squeezed my hand gently and took a deep breath. "You sure?"

"Yes," I said firmly, nodding. "Don't worry so much. It's okay to screw up."

"I…" He struggled for words. I could see he was looking for a way to say thank you or a way to apologize, he was _always_ doing that, but before I could tell him he didn't need to, his lips were on mine.

I'm not going to lie. I loved kissing him. It was soft and gentle but persistent, and I hadn't kissed him in weeks. It brought up that funny fluttering in my stomach and tingling sensations everywhere. For a second, I lost all resolve and kissed him back.

The next second, I abruptly pulled away.

Al immediately knew he'd done something wrong, because he grasped my hands tightly and started panicking. "Mandy, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to – it just sort of happened –"

"No, it's okay –"

"No, it's not –"

"Al, I _like_ kissing you," I said loudly over his ramblings. This quickly shut him up, and I smiled. "I really do, okay? I don't mind."

He took another deep breath and let go of my hands. "You made it pretty clear before that you don't want to do this stuff."

"We never really talked about any of this," I admitted. And if I was being honest, I didn't want to. "I wanted to be friends for a while. To help you as friends until you don't feel like such a mess anymore."

And maybe I didn't quite trust him with my heart just yet.

"Yeah." He was so determined not to look at me, and I knew he was hurt, but this was for the best. "Yeah, okay."

"I just want you to focus on getting better for a while."

"I know."

"I don't really want anything to get in the way of –"

"You're not going to date other people, are you?" he blurted out. His eyes went wide when he realized what he'd just said, and he quickly tried to correct it. "I mean, if you want to, it's completely up to you, but if you could give me a heads up, it'd be nice – _why are you laughing?_"

I couldn't stop, for some reason. "You think I'm going to date other guys?"

"Well – you _could_." His face was slowly turning redder and redder. "If you wanted to."

"Who would I date?" I asked teasingly. He clearly didn't take it that way.

"I don't know."

"Maybe one of the many boys who find me attractive?" I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "You know, Kevin made it clear that I'm not exactly an icon of beauty in the eyes of teenage males –"

"Kevin's a –"

"And it's hard to date someone else when you don't want to." I snuggled back into his side so he couldn't see how red my face was getting. "Not when you're in love with someone else."

His arm snaked around me as we fell quiet again – but not for too long. His lips pressed against my hair a few minutes later. "You can't blame me for asking."

"We're not dating other people just because we're friends _now._"

"Okay, okay." He was nearly whispering now. "You don't exactly need me around. You're so independent, and I love that. But you can't blame me."

"I…" I didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to feel inferior to me. "Al, just because you need _help, _it doesn't mean you're not independent. You were just around the wrong people. You don't _need_ anyone – especially not your friends."

"It beats being alone," he said quietly, and suddenly I understood why he put up with his friends for all those years.

"I guess." I took his hand again. "But you don't need anyone more than anyone else does. I wasn't there when you went to the drugstore to get that gum and patch for smoking. You went by yourself."

He was blushing, but I felt a surge of pride for him. "Yeah."

"You're my best friend. This is just what best friends do." I kissed his shoulder before pressing my cheek back against it. "You're not a burden. I need you as much as you need me. I wish you didn't feel otherwise." His arm tightened around me as we fell silent again.

"What do you think's going to happen this year?" he asked, barely audible over the noise of the television. I shrugged.

"Who knows."

"Don't you wonder?"

"I – no." I shrugged again. "My mum and I talked about this. I'm going to try my best to work hard for what I want to do and not worry about the future. I think I'm pretty good at that, except for the 'working hard' part."

Al chuckled.

"She told me about something called the Serenity Prayer." Al shifted in recognizition. "Yeah, it's in one of those holy texts you read. She's muggle born, so she knows about some of that stuff. You remember it?"

He nodded. "Just about… how you have to understand what you can change and what you can't."

"I think it's brilliant."

"You're really not worried about the future?" he asked uncertainly.

"I try not to." I stared at the screen, but I definitely wasn't watching the movie. "What do you want to do after Hogwarts?"

Al let out a long breath. "Hell if I know."

"None at _all_?" I said in surprise, turning to face him. When he said his future was in the dumps, I didn't think he'd meant it. He shook his head. "But you love reading – I mean, you must have some idea within that."

"Not yet," he told me, looking embarrassed. "I don't even like writing all that much."

"What did you tell the head of your house in fifth year, when we were deciding careers?"

"That I was undecided," he admitted. "I just took courses to keep my options open. It's not fair that I have to decide now of what I want to do for the rest of my life."

"I guess it's not."

He didn't say anything for a moment.

"I'm scared, okay?" he burst out harshly, not looking at me. "I'm scared that all I'm going to do with my life is be bossed around. I don't even know why I'm Head Boy."

"Maybe it's a chance for you to learn how to lead," I said softly.

"Bullshit." He shook his head. "Never mind. You're right. But I'm just scared that when we go off into the real world and all that's left is the same ministry desk job, the same job day after day, over and over." He didn't say it, but I knew what was bothering him.

He was scared of losing his own sense of adventure: his imagination. His interest. His wonder. And now I understood how I was his escape.

"Maybe you should consider how the real world doesn't have to be that monotony," I said, contemplating out loud. "Maybe it's the adventure in between. Maybe we just have to look at the world selectively, and there is no 'real world'. Not really."

"I hope so," he said bitterly. Sadly.

"Sometimes it's better to look at the world in parts," I contemplated quietly. "Because you're right, in a way. Society can suck. It can be superficial and biting and the worst kind of cycle of monotony. But we are part of society, aren't we?"

"I suppose."

"And if we look at it in the parts we appreciate and love, it won't be so bad." I nudged him with my shoulder. "We don't have to focus on the bad. Maybe that's the problem. Awareness, knowing what we can and cannot change in a society, and choosing our battles. And we're young. We're not minister of magic. We can't choose all of them."

"I know you're right, but…" He hesitated. "It's almost shallow to ignore our awareness."

I shrugged. "Maybe being shallow isn't a bad thing."

I seemed to me that before awareness, I would've been called shallow. I wasn't the typical stereotype of shallow – not an airhead, not obsessed with my appearance – but I wasn't fully conscious of the world outside my own little adventures. But I was so much happier with myself and everyone else.

Awareness could be terribly depressing.

It caught Al in webs and cycles of self-destruction, and he didn't realize it. And I realized just how many people could be caught up in the horrible truths in society that they couldn't live their lives anymore. They were too focused on being perfect by society standards, but hating the standards, because that sort of perfection doesn't exist on a realistic level. Therein comes our insecurity.

And it was clear that our insecurities were at fault. The reasons why we were influenced so easily – but sometimes, it didn't have to be a bad thing. There were the negative influences, and then there were the positive ones. And I was sure we could understand the difference.

Insecurity was new to me. I knew it wasn't going to go away anytime soon. But I was smart enough to know that there was more to life than fitting in with other people and being aesthetically acceptable. I _knew_ that. But there were people who didn't, and it was hard for me to ignore that fact.

On some level, a lot of people were trying to be perfect and live up to unrealistic expectations. Just like Al. Just like me. Once we started, it was going to be hard to stop. I couldn't resent Al for bringing me into his life, because that's all I ever wanted.

"I think we're all scared of failure," I said, squeezing his hand again. "It's not just you."

"You are, too?"

"Of course I am," I said gently. "But we have to take chances, even with the chance of failure."

He kissed my forehead. "I guess we have to work for whatever makes us happy." I smiled.

It occurred to me that the reasons for living weren't what society induced, but the exact opposite. To do what made you happy, no matter of your level of "perfection", no matter how hard you failed. To do what was best for you.

And maybe we'd figure out the rest someday.

THE END


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty: Epilogue  
**

_Al's Point of View: Spring, Seventh Year_

"I thought you'd quit."

I didn't bother glancing away from my cigarette. "I did."

"'For good this time,'" Scorpius mocked, making imaginary quotations with his fingers.

"I did, okay?" I snapped at him. "I fucked up again, don't expect like you didn't know it would happen."

"I knew it would," he admitted. Then he added in a quieter voice, "Though I hoped you wouldn't."

I sighed and took a long drag. Why the hell did this stupid little stick filled with tar and Merlin-knows-what have to be so tempting? Why did I spend so much time thinking about it and craving it? I was supposed to be over this habit. I _wanted_ to be over this habit.

But things got difficult sometimes.

"So why this time?" Scorpius asked, throwing his first fag and reaching for another one. "Head Boy duties? N.E.W.T.s? Mandy?"

"All of it." I sunk down and leaned against the wall. He sat down and joined me. I could already feel my insides numbing. "Everything. None of it makes sense anymore."

"We both know that's not true."

"What the _fuck_ do you know."

"Enough to know that you take things way too seriously sometimes," he said, shrugging off my insult. I grunted at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you do. Just because one thing goes wrong, it doesn't mean your entire life is falling apart."

"I _know._"

"No, you don't," he retorted, rolling his eyes again. "So what happened? Not Head Boy stuff, because you're good at that –"

"No, I'm not –"

"Just skip to the chase and tell me what got you here." I immediately fell quiet.

He knew me too well.

Scorpius Malfoy and I became friends when he first caught me sneaking a smoke – which, I'm not proud to say, was quite early on in the year. He had the same habits as I did – smoking, drugs, drinking, all of it. But he held no shame, and no plans to stop.

He was aware of how bad these things were for him, so he wanted _me_ to stop. He and Mandy had helped me through this year in that sense, and I no longer had any regrets about ignoring my former friends. They made it clear they didn't want anything to do with me, and I was fine with that. I didn't like their lifestyle anymore. Scorpius and Mandy helped me figure that I'd never really fit there in the first place.

Scorpius hated my old friends, and I often wondered if he realized he hated them for the same reasons he hated himself. He was stuck in the cycle and he _liked_ it. But every time I found myself in his corner and demanding for a cigarette, he told me he didn't want to put up with my bullshit, even if I put up with his. I knew it was just because he didn't want anyone to be as miserable as him. Even if misery loved company.

But he was a good friend. He cared deeply for people he trusted, and for some reason, he trusted Mandy and I. But he didn't like his place in Slytherin, his place in society as a Malfoy, and above all, he _hated _his family. I was waiting – _dreading –_ for the day he was going to finally crack.

After all, I knew exactly how that felt like.

And it doesn't just happen once. It happens all the time, creeping up on you when you least expect it, when you feel like you've gotten somewhere, when suddenly, everything just comes crashing down and falling apart. Scorpius was held together by a string of cigarettes, and he needed one breakdown to start healing.

I took one last drag and put out the cigarette on the stone floor. I couldn't bring myself to look in his eyes. "I had a fight with Mandy."

"That's more like it." Scorpius didn't even seem surprised, even though I barely ever fought with Mandy. "Did you finally have a row, then?"

"'_Finally_?'"

"The sexual frustration between you two is suffocating."

I chuckled. My face muscles felt stiff, but it felt good to laugh. "Sorry."

"Don't worry, it's entertaining," he said, sniggering. "So what happened?"

My smile fell and I instantly ached for another cigarette. Or Mandy.

"I said something I shouldn't have," I admitted quietly, covering my eyes with the palms of my hands. "It just came out." Scorpius seemed to sense I didn't really want to talk about specifics.

"What made you say it?" he asked.

"I dunno." I clenched my hand in a fist. "Sometimes when she thinks she's helping me… it's like she thinks she's _better_ than me. Because she's not caught up in smoking or alcohol or anything of the sort, and sometimes she gets so _condescending_ –"

"What the fuck, Al?" he said disbelievingly. "Mandy's not like that, and you know it."

I crossed my arms against my chest. "Sometimes that's just how it feels."

"People don't help other people if they think they're better than them," he said, scoffing. "If Mandy thought she was better than you, she wouldn't bother. She'd write you off as a charity case. She wouldn't love you, and I've overheard her telling you that she does."

I felt unnaturally warm with guilt. "I should apologize."

"Probably." He put out his second cigarette. "We really do hurt the ones we love."

"Do we?" I asked absent-mindedly, remembering the summer again. And how badly I'd screwed up in just that way with my siblings and parents.

"Which is why my family must _really_ love me," he muttered under his breath. My jaw tightened.

"Scorpius, you can come over for Easter, you know that."

"I'll never hear the end of it," he dismissed quickly, standing. "Look, I'll see you after hols, all right?" Without waiting for an answer, he left.

He was a great friend. But sometimes I wished he accepted my side of things, too.

* * *

I knew Mandy went home for Easter holidays, too. I was tired from travelling all day, then spending time with my family and wrestling with James and eating until my pants felt too tight. But that little fact kept nagging my mind as I tried to go to bed that night.

_Why_ had I said that to her?

This wasn't like the summer before, when I said all this bullshit to try and convince myself I didn't like her. We were best friends now. We were practically inseparable. Sure, things got a bit awkward when we were trying our best not to jump each other, but we were fine. Why had I blown up at her?

I think it was clear that I wasn't going to be able to sleep until I apologized. I swung my legs off of my bed and forced myself to get up and climb out of my window. I did my best not to look when I had to leap over the gap between my house and Mandy's – still _hated_ heights – and made my way to her window.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd done this. I didn't think I'd gone over to her room like this, even last summer. She'd crawled over to my window more times than I could count.

I opened her window easily; she always forgot to lock it when she was younger, and clearly that hadn't changed. She was curled up in her bed, fast asleep. I slipped inside her room and shoved the window down gently so I wouldn't wake her.

I sat down at the edge of her bed, feeling a little annoyed. How could she be sleeping when my stomach was in knots? We just had a fight that morning. I never understood how she had the remarkable capability of letting things go. I envied this quality. I sometimes wondered how she was in Gryffindor, with her ego practically nonexistent, but then I realized she _did_ have pride. There were just some Gryffindors who had the decency not to flaunt it.

I was so, so, _pathetically_ in love with her.

And I could say that now, without internally doubting it even a little. I knew Mandy better now. Our seventh year was, oddly enough, spent mostly rediscovering each other. I understood her, even if she still surprised me at times.

Sometimes she bugged me with her adventure talk. It was a little hard to admit that her insecurities bothered me, because they were _my _fault, but they did. I hated when she was tugging at the hem of her shirts and how she was trying out makeup and spent more time in front of the mirror.

It didn't seem much like Mandy to me. Just seemed like any girl. But I realized that she was any other girl, even if she was someone to _me._ I couldn't possibly expect her to be who she was in my head, especially when she put up with me, just as I was. I'd been overcoming addiction and speaking to my family again and trying not to let my former friends bother me, and she'd been nothing but understanding and patient.

And then I took my anger out on her.

Maybe I was just tired of being the one who needed help.

Deep inside, I knew it wasn't true. She was experiencing insecurity for the first time in her life, and I knew other girls bullied her for it. I knew, from the way I held her at times, that the almost-rape in August still bothered her. Mandy was so much better at dealing with these things than I was. She never asked for help, even when she needed it, and maybe it was just a Gryffindor thing she did, but I hated being the vulnerable one.

I still shouldn't have said what I said.

Time to suck it up and apologize.

I reached over and took her hand, pulling my fingers in between hers. Mandy blinked sleepily and stretched, squeezing my hand as she did so. She didn't seem the slightest bit surprised that I was there.

"Couldn't sleep or something?" she asked, closing her eyes.

"No."

"Well, are you getting under the covers or not?" she asked irritably, slipping her hand from mine and rolling over to make room. "Eleni made me play tag with her for hours, I'm exhausted."

"But you – _what_?" I spluttered, flabbergasted. It wasn't the invitation to sleep in her bed that shocked me – that happened sometimes – but that she didn't seem the least bit angry.

"It's not that surprising, she had two chocolate cupcakes."

"No – you're not mad at me?"

"For what? Oh – _oh._" Her eyes snapped open suddenly. Her brown eyes shone in the moonlight. "Well, I'd forgotten about that up until now."

"You _forgot_?" I repeated to myself. And there I was, practically tearing myself up over it.

"Wouldn't you have preferred that?" she asked, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Wasn't exactly nice, what you said."

I shifted uncomfortably. "I guess."

"Eh." She shrugged. "It's okay. I'm over it."

"You are?" I asked in disbelief.

"I mean, it was sort of true, wasn't it?" she pointed out, beginning to fiddle with her blanket. "I was thinking something like that, back in summer when I'd tried weed. That the high felt artificial and I liked my adventure highs better."

"I still shouldn't have said that," I mumbled guiltily, eyes dropping down to my lap. I could see her nod in the corner of my eye, and I knew she was thinking of my words.

'_You're no better than me! You're constantly searching for your own high in your own, fucked up way!'_

"How did that even come up?" she asked, chuckling almost sadly.

"No idea." Everything before that point was a blur. After I'd said that, she'd looked so shocked and hurt and I'd wanted to rewind and put those words back in my mouth. Then she'd run away. For good reason.

"I don't think you're better than me, Al," she said quietly. "You know that, don't you?"

"Sometimes."

"I really wonder what goes on in that brain of yours," she teased, reaching over to tap my head lightly. "How that thought could get in there for even a second."

"It's hard to imagine differently," I admitted with some difficulty.

"But you don't have a reason to feel that way," she said, biting her lip as her fingers traced down my head to my jaw. "You're clean. You're doing brilliantly as Head Boy. You're going to try Quidditch once it's warm enough."

"I said _maybe._"

"Good enough for me," she said, smiling and scooting closer. "My point is that you've come a really long way since last summer. And I –" she cut off, her hand dropping to her lap. "Well, I haven't, really."

"What are you talking about?" But I knew what she meant. She hadn't changed since last summer – but I didn't think she needed to.

"You know," she said uncomfortably.

"You're getting better grades," I joked, and she cracked a smile. Though this was true. Being friends with a Ravenclaw did have that side effect.

"Girls talk," she confessed, "and it bothers me. And maybe you think you don't deserve me, but there are girls telling me that I don't deserve you."

"That's not –"

"Don't say it's not true," she warned, "because we could go back and forth all night. Maybe this just never goes away."

"Maybe," I said, "and we just have to live with it."

"Maybe."

A silence fell between us. I couldn't help but think that maybe she glorified me as much as I glorified her. Was that normal? I hadn't a clue what I was doing anymore. I'd been in relationships before, but not one where I actually felt something for my girlfriend. I couldn't tell what to do in this situation. There's no guidebook to falling in love.

I resented that very much.

"Oh, bloody _hell_," Mandy burst out in a moan. "We're not even dating, Al! We've spent seven months trying not to snog the living daylights out of each other and convincing ourselves that we deserve this _friendship_, you realize that?"

A small smile tugged on my lips. "Imagine going through all that to not date at all."

"To _not_ – you just – are you serious?" she spluttered. I was shaking with silent laughter by this point, and she lightly smacked my arm. "Stop laughing at me!"

"It's funny!" I insisted, grinning broadly. "If we actually just did all that and stayed friends –"

"Oh, _shut up_," she demanded, grabbing my shirt in her fists. And before I could register that she wasn't going to head butt me, her lips were on mine.

My hands were immediately reaching for her, one buried in her hair, one gripping her waist to bring her closer. It had been so _long_ since we'd done this, and whatever we'd done last summer couldn't compare. It was every kind of rush and every kind of calm. It was as though I could fathom how we deserved each other – because it felt like _this._

She pulled back. Our noses were still touching. "I didn't really expect that to work."

"You usually don't use that tactic to get me to shut up."

"I panicked."

"Because you think," I said, grinning again, "that after I told you that I _loved_ you, we were really going to stay friends?"

"Well, forgive me for not being able to perform Legilimancy," she said crossly, but I could see she was trying not to smile. She pressed her forehead to mine and closed her eyes. "It's been a long seven months."

"I love you."

"I got the gist of that, yeah."

"I _do_," I insisted, making her laugh. I dipped my head and kissed under her jaw. "Even if you're insane."

"I'm going to have to shut you up again."

This time when she kissed me, there wasn't even a trace of fear that was in the last one. I felt her lips curve into a smile before she nipped at my bottom lip and pushed me onto my back.

It was familiar, like that summer morning all those months ago. The one I looked back to and thought of more than I would ever admit. Warm and peaceful and right. But it was also different. Nothing in between, no restraints, no pressure, no misunderstandings. Just Mandy and how she smelled like peaches and how she felt in my arms.

Her kisses were a bit groggy - a little sloppy. I guessed mine were, too, but she seemed to be trying very hard not to be. Over the year, Mandy confessed quite a few things to me, and one of them was the reason she'd had a panic attack when we almost had sex. I never realized how those offhand comments - well, I guess they were insults - had made her feel. I'd said stupid things to try to convince myself I didn't care about her, but I hadn't known she was thinking of those that night.

I knew she didn't tell me to make me feel guilty, but I did. I knew I wasn't nice to her, but degrading a person like Mandy enough to make them insecure wasn't okay. And I couldn't help remembering how she'd told me that when we nearly had sex, all she could think about was how I was going to taunt her. For her body. For the way she kissed. Or if I was going to forget it was her first time.

I wanted to fix that.

Because I wanted her to know that nothing felt as good as her, and how close she felt. Like I knew her inside out. I moaned as she moved against me, her knees pressed to the mattress on either side of my hips. I felt her smile again.

"Am I doing this right?" she whispered against my lips. I opened my eyes and let my hands slide down from her waist to the back of her thighs, pressing her closer.

"There's no right or wrong," I said. She was nervous again. I could tell. I made sure our eyes were locked before I spoke again. "Tell me if we're going too fast or not enjoying it. Or if you want to stop. Anytime."

She took a deep breath and nodded. For some reason, we'd both sensed that this wasn't just fooling around. And I knew she was nervous that she wouldn't be good enough, but I don't think any guy in existence has been so picky as she'd thought me to be. Especially about someone they love.

The truth is, I was terrified when she'd panicked so badly. I thought I hurt her or did something wrong. I thought maybe I'd pressured her into doing something she didn't want to do. I found out later that it wasn't the case, but still: I never wanted that to happen again.

"Are we really doing this?" she murmured, still hovering closely above me.

"If you want to."

"I think I do." She bit her lip. Girls never realized how effing sexy that was when they weren't trying so hard. "Do you think we're ready for a relationship now?"

"Yeah, I do." I leaned up and lightly kissed her nose. "We definitely weren't last summer. But we can give this a shot if you're ready."

"I am," she confirmed, dropping down to kiss me again. I felt her hands reach under my shirt, fingertips sliding against my chest and my abdomen. I repressed a shudder and opted to kiss her harder. The hem of my shirt was slowly pushing higher and higher, and I got the hint.

The bed creaked as I turned us over, careful to make sure we didn't tumble to the floor. I pulled my shirt off before leaning down and kissing her again. Her hands cupped my jaw softly. She sighed against my lips and I could feel her relaxing as she tilted her head. Just enjoying the feeling.

Because she honestly felt incredible. I felt heat and a few nerves start to build in my gut. The good kind. The kind that made things a bit more exciting. I let my hands slip underneath Mandy's shirt, tracing the smooth skin of her waist. She let me move it up until her stomach was uncovered, trying to push at my chest to let me take her shirt off. Instead, I pinned her down again and began to attack her neck with my lips.

She let out a small moan, as though she'd tried to repress it. I pressed my lips slowly down her neck, stopping to suck at the side. Gently. She let out a shuddering breath as I made my way up to her other ear, and pressed a kiss behind it. Her eyes were closed, but it didn't seem like she was nervous anymore. I wished she could see herself like this. How I did.

I realized I was staring, because she opened her eyes a few moments later. She bit her lip again, instantly looking worried. "What happened?"

"Nothing." I pressed an open-mouthed kiss to her lips. "You're beautiful."

She rolled her eyes. "Not naked yet, Al."

"So?" I asked, grinning. "I know what you look like."

"And the cliche compliment still stands?"

"Had to say it at least once," I said, chuckling as I brushed her dark hair away from her forehead. "Just so you know."

She blushed. Merlin, I loved when she did that. "Okay."

"Now you should say it back."

"Oh, shut up," she said impatiently, pulling me back against her. She kissed the laughter off my lips, gently coaxing me down until our bodies were pressed together. I felt her bare skin against mine and instantly wanted more.

I pulled her up until we were sitting, Mandy practically in my lap, still kissing me. My hands were pushing her shirt up again, and she broke off abruptly to pull it over her head then immediately went back to kissing you. I pulled away, dodging her lips.

"What?" she said, sounding a bit annoyed as she opened her eyes. "Why're we stopping?"

"Not stopping," I said, looking at her as much as I could make out in the moonlight. "Want to see you."

She struggled for words. "Why?"

"Same reason you watch me work out," I shot back cheekily. She turned crimson. I pulled her fully onto my legs and kissed her. "I don't know what you've been thinking, but I've been wanting to see more of you for months."

She was quiet for a moment. "People say I'm the ugliest girl in school."

I wanted to kill Kevin for saying that. "No, they don't."

"They do."

"Those people wouldn't know what beauty was if it hit them in the face," I said dismissively. "All they know is what they've imagined to be perfect. But you're real."

She wouldn't meet my eyes. This was my fault. "Al."

"You don't get it, you know?" I found myself saying. I didn't know where the words were coming from. "You can't see you how I see you. And you don't understand how lucky I feel."

Her face was hot in my hands as I cupped her jaw and pressed our lips together. Her arms, previously wrapped around herself, came loose and clung to my shoulders. I felt like we were easing into this again. Into being comfortable. As much as a first time can be comfortable for a girl.

She sighed into my mouth as my hands travelled down. She was so warm and soft and pretty. I heard her breath hitch as my hands reached her bare chest. Her eyes were closed. Just feeling. I hoped it felt good. She deserved that.

She didn't open her eyes when I leaned her back onto her sheets. I kissed her lightly, dragging my lips from the corner of her mouth down her jaw, stopping to nip at her neck for a second before starting to kiss her collarbone. Then lower, as slowly as I could. Sure, she was nervous, but I didn't want to freak her out by doing too much at once.

I pulled off my pyjamas. I thought it would've been better if I went first - and I was pretty sure I was right. She was beginning to get more and more nervous at this point, especially when I tugged off her own pyjamas. Her legs drew closed, so I settled above her carefully and stopped.

She took a deep, shuddering breath as I stroked the hair out of her eyes. If I hadn't been as close as I was, I never would've heard her next words.

"I'm scared," she admitted.

"I know." I kissed her forehead. "It's okay."

"It's not okay, it's weird," she corrected, "and not for the reason you're thinking. It's weird because I live for this stuff. All the adrenaline. And there's lots, trust me."

"So what's wrong?"

"I don't know." She took another deep breath. "Sometimes I just remember that night. Like in that bedroom. I don't know if I'm just imagining it, because I don't remember their faces, but sometimes I just... feel their touching. And taking off my clothes."

I let her bury her face in my neck. She wasn't crying, but she still seemed pretty shaken from just admitting that. "Mandy, I know it bothers you."

"You do?" she asked weakly.

"Yeah." I dropped my side onto the bed, so we could talk properly. "Sometimes, when we're just sitting in your common room on the couch or whatever. You just tense up all of a sudden, and I usually I was touching your leg or something."

"Oh Merlin." She seemed embarrassed. "Al, I.."

"It's okay," I assured. "I just want you to want this. Completely relaxed and comfortable. Otherwise it'll really hurt."

She swallowed and nodded. "I really want to. If I haven't killed the mood."

"I'll be fine if you will," I said, grinning. She smiled and I kissed her, tangling my hand in her hair.

When she broke off, her eyes were shining. I had a feeling she needed to tell me, just to get it off her chest, and now she could let it go. She looked excited, though still very nervous.

"Just go really slow," she whispered, "okay?"

I answered by rolling back on top of her and kissing her neck again. She let out another moan, and I couldn't help smiling against her skin. I made sure to be as slow as I could as my hands slid down her sides, lingering at her hips. I traced the top of her underwear, still kissing her neck, just trying to get her used to it. But her breath hitched even when my hands felt downwards, and I held still.

"Mandy, if -"

"I'm okay," she said breathlessly. "Honestly."

I reached up to kiss her once before continuing movement with my hands. I was suddenly very aware of sounds around us. The furnace. The fan in the corner. The faint noise of crickets chirping outside. Mandy's panting. My own breath held in my lungs.

She let out another small noise from the back of her throat. I hoped it was a positive one. I just wanted her to enjoy this. And she seemed to slowly relax, her legs falling a little more apart every minute. I hesitantly tested the hem of her clothing before slipping underneath.

Her face buried in my neck immediately. Her hands clutched at my chest as I felt her, gently, slowly. She made another small moan before her breath hitched, and I hesitated again.

"Don't stop," she mumbled against my shoulder. "Feels good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." She moaned again, muffled against my skin. I felt relieved, but most of all, I was really, really turned on. I hoped Mandy didn't notice.

Her eyes were closed as her hands came up to hold my jaw, lifting her head off the bed to kiss me. Her lips lowered to my neck, hands sliding down my chest as she placed lazy kisses on my skin. My forehead fell against hers as she took my hands and moved them away so she could wriggle out of her underwear. And she was the one who took off mine.

That was Mandy. Always daring.

I'd quickly put on protection, and then we stayed still. Foreheads pressed together, nearly every inch of our bodies brushing lightly, causing tingling and vibrations at every touch. I'd never done this with someone I loved. It was Mandy's first time, but mine as well, in a way.

She let out a long breath. "I love this."

"We haven't started yet," I whispered teasingly.

"Maybe that's why." I kissed her smiling lips, and she sighed. "I love you."

"Love you too," I said softly. And as slowly and carefully as I could, I moved into her.

* * *

"We just had make up sex."

"Hmm?"

"We just had make up sex." Mandy turned to face me, eyebrows scrunched together in disbelief. "_Make up sex._ For our first time."

"So?"

"_So?"_ She huffed and turned away again. "Bloody hell."

"Are you complaining?" I asked, nuzzling my face in her hair. "Sexual tension is gone."

"Speak for yourself," she grumbled, and I laughed. I couldn't care less that our first time had been after a big fight. This was a long time coming. After everything we'd been through, I didn't give a shit where we were or when we did it. I just wanted her.

Okay, so the sexual tension was killing me too much to care.

"Fine," I agreed, my fingers tracing her hip. She snuggled into me. "Tension is gone for _now."_

"Again, speak for yourself."

I grinned, and she turned around to kiss me. She didn't seem shy anymore. I think after having sex, most people realize it's not exactly the thing you centre your life around. But it was fun, and as I realized that night, _so _much better with the person you love.

"So it was good?" I asked. "I mean, for the first time?"

"Yeah." She kissed me again, on my neck this time. "It won't hurt the next time, right?"

"No, it shouldn't." My breath hitched involuntarily as she nipped at the juncture between my neck and shoulder. "That will be sooner than later, if you keep doing that."

"Maybe," she murmured, grinning mischievously. She opted to snuggle into my chest instead.

"Maybe not," I teased.

She sighed and closed her eyes. "Need some sleep. Adrenaline is wearing off, and Eleni did chase me for hours, remember?"

I chuckled and stroked her hair, staring up at her ceiling. Her walls. Nothing much about her room had changed since we were eleven. Same blue walls, same posters of mythical creatures everywhere. She'd changed more than she'd redecorated, which I couldn't say for everyone.

"Al?" she said sleepily. "I need to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"I'm going away next year."

I was suddenly wide awake, all exhaustion slipping away from me. "Away? Where?"

"All over the world," she said softly, soothingly. Like she could sense my sudden panic attack. "I got into this Care of Magical Creatures program. Hagrid recommended me. I get to do a solo trip to research these creatures."

"That's _incredible._"

"Yeah." She smiled at me. "I'm not really sure what I want to do, but I think these sort of things are it. Adventures. Trying new things. I don't want to be tied down to the same job for the rest of my life."

"I wouldn't expect less from you," I said honestly. This had 'Mandy' written all over it, and I wasn't going to say anything to ruin it, even though my heart was beating painfully in my chest. "You're going to have the time of your life."

"I know."

"When are you leaving?"

"Halfway through July."

"That's..." _Soon. Too soon._

"Al." She was trying to catch my eye, but I was avoiding it. "I don't want to go alone."

"You - _what_?"

"I want you to come with me." My eyes snapped immediately to hers. I could see in the little light that a blush had spread across her cheeks. "I really want you there."

"I..." I was stammering. "Am I _allowed_ to?"

"Doesn't say you're not."

"But..."

"It's just a year," she said pleadingly. "You could come back after and go to school or something. And you said you didn't know what you're doing, anyway."

This was true.

"But this is your adventure," I said. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want to go an entire year without seeing her. I felt like I'd just gotten her back, even though we'd technically been with each other for a year now. But this was not my comfort zone, or even close to it.

"I don't want to go without you," she said quietly.

"Are you sure?" I said weakly. Because all I could think of was that time I admitted that I was a bit scared of her doing that. Going to her adventure and never coming back.

She was silent for a moment. "I think everything in your life is going to influence you, somehow," she said, reaching for my hand. "I want to be influenced by as many things as possible."

"You have been craving this for years," I said, trying to smile and failing. She was going off on her adventure. She could see the world now, like she'd always wanted to, and I didn't see my place in that. I was selfish. I knew she could tell how I was feeling.

Mandy squeezed my hand tightly. "I don't want to go on any adventure if you're not there. You just..." She trailed off and took a deep breath. "You mean too much to me to leave behind."

And just like that, my mind was made up.

"Okay." I was nodding, but my mind was racing furiously in every direction it could. But I was sure about this. "Okay."

"You'll go with me?"

"I'll go with you," I said firmly. Maybe I needed to take a chance. Maybe I needed to do something crazy and unexpected and unlike myself. Maybe that's what you needed to do, to figure out who you are and what you wanted to do in this world. I kissed Mandy, again and again until I could believe it myself. Her eyes were shining with excitement when I pulled back, a smile edging its way onto my lips. "I'm going with you."

If there was one thing I'd learned, it was to figure out what exactly made you happy. What made you want to get up on the rooftops and show everyone how deliriously wonderful you feel. To figure out what made you feel proud of yourself. What made you feel like you belonged.

And then never let it go.

* * *

A/N: Okay. Well. This is the end of Mandy and Al's story. I can't even tell you how much I enjoyed writing these two. I loved exploring these themes in this story, and though it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster and a _huge_ challenge in writing in general, I am so glad I decided to write it. It was a coming-of-age story to me, and hopefully for someone else out there.

I may be doing a spin-off for the Scorpius in this story, and how he meets Rose. Maybe a one-shot or a short story. Keep a lookout!

Thank you so so much for reading. Love you all :)


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